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The open cremation site; A place where I'm perfectly content


impatient101 8 / 17 3  
Dec 28, 2013   #1
Please help me with my common app essay!!

There's a sense of calmness in the air. For the moment, it's just me and several lifeless bodies on the cremation platforms by the banks of the holy river Bagmati. Some of them are in the middle of cremation, while some are being prepared for it. For many an open cremation could be a repelling sight, but to me, it's the scene I've been a part of for very long, way too long to even remember since when. I'm familiar with every aspect of this place, maybe too familiar, such that every time I enter this cremation site, a sense of belonging fills my heart and I feel content.

A mix of disparate smells ranging from the smell of sweet incense to the smell of the bodies being cremated encapsulates me. There's a hustle of activities going on around me but those activities don't seem to matter anymore. The sound of the footsteps of hundreds of people walking on the stone pavements, of vendors shouting to sell their goods and of people chattering; all seems to fade away along with the smoke that seems to disappear somewhere. All I hear is the soothing sound of bells ringing in a rhythm and of conches calming every nerve in my body. All I see now is the Hindu death ritualistic practice being performed by the priest for the cremation. I look at the son control all his emotions as he puts the fire in the mouth of the deceased. Then the priest puts more piles of wood on the top and after a while the scene is just an ablaze of fire and I can see the fire burning with all its intensity in the river. The act of lighting the fire for the cremation by a family member seems bold to me. I feel my mind being empty of all the worldly troubles as I gaze into the fire.

As I stand across the river I can't help but look at the magnificent temple of Pashupatinath above the cremation area. The temple where this cremation site is located is home for lost and troubled souls. For the moment I'm one of them. As I breathe in the smell of various lives that reside here at the temple, a wave of nostalgia fills my heart and my thoughts go back to all the early mornings I came here on my birthday, countless weddings that happened here and the precious moments I got to spend with my dear ones for the very last time. The grandeur of this place welcomes me and all the feelings of insecurities and worries disappear. My troubles get lost in the splendor of this place as I get lost in the lull of the moment temporarily.

As I walk amongst the holy crowd chanting mantras, I envision the extremity of devotion that surrounds me. I see it in the eyes of an elderly worn and torn by life who has come to visit the temple one last time. I see hope in the face of a beggar every time a visitor passes by him and how he is still able to maintain that indelible smile on his face. Watching this warms my heart and I feel the emotions stir up within me. Amidst the chaos of life, the temple gives me a space of my own where I can think freely. I see faith in everyone here .Every time I visit the place, I gain faith; faith in myself, faith in people around me and simply faith in life.

On my way back I see the holy sadhus. Covered in ashes from their head to toe, these devout men smile at me their heavenly smile, I smile back feeling content.
GoonerTH14 2 / 4 1  
Dec 28, 2013   #2
Okay, in the first paragraph it's the scene I've been a part of for very long, way too long to even remember since when. Try not to end your sentence on "when." Say "way too far back to even remember."

Grammatically, it's fine, but I really think it could use some restructuring. I think you spend too much time describing the cremation site, instead of explaining its significance. I really liked your second to last paragraph; that's when your message becomes clear.

This might sound like too much, but I think you should condense the first two paragraphs into a tight, sensory anecdote (you already have snippets of it) focusing on one your most poignant moments. Then, go on to give a bit of background: why are you at the cremation site so often? Are you religious? etc. Lastly, the majority of the essay should explain the why?

From what I could glean, I'd say the takeaway of your essay is "in the face of death, you see life." Roll with that and you'll make a solid essay.
ericeric 1 / 3 1  
Dec 28, 2013   #3
-your using words like "disparate" and "encapsulate" that sound like you went through your essay with a thesaurus

-"of people chattering; all seems to fade away along with the smoke that seems to disappear somewhere." ==> "of people chattering; all seems to fade away along with the smoke."

-use different words than "fire" each time it gets repetitive

-ending your essay with you smiling is cliche

-you havent really learned anything in this essay

-there needs to be some reason a college would want you after reading this, some issue a college could help you with

all in all, its a good story, but it needs more analysis, less description of the scene itself, also lots of awkward words
OP impatient101 8 / 17 3  
Dec 28, 2013   #4
Thank you so much for your feedback .
Would you please point me out the awkward words so that I could make changes?
Also, how do you think I should conclude the essay?
Please let me know. That would be very helpful.


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