Here is the prompt: Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
This is my rough draft for UF. Any comments or criticism would be helpful. Thank you! :)
"Sign up is on the back wall guys," Ms. Londeree hollered. I had so much to do that week, a lacrosse tournament and three huge tests, should I really take this on? One excuse came after another. I had enough on my plate as it was. Of course, God, the thought of Senior Year popped into my head, it was my last chance. Oh what the heck, I took that pen hanging on the clipboard with nothing more but a piece of tape and printed my name nice and neat. I felt motivated, ecstatic but nervous all at the same time to finally be singing at the Talent Show. I've been wanting to sing every year on that stage in the Performing Arts Center, but never really tried. I've watched friends' plays or bands perform, but I wanted someone to watch me for a change. Everytime I got a chance to practice I would, whether it was: walking from class to class, in the middle of lacrosse practice or volunteering at an event, I was always practicing. Before I knew it, the big day was here. You know the saying, "Time flies when you're...freaking out!" Eight was my number on a list of eighteen. Studying those lines over and over again, the words you've read probably a million times looks like a big blur now. It's all in your head, I close my eyes and say a quick prayer; don't let me down now God. My name is called, I step out onto the stage. The lights are blinding, cameras are all flashing, friends and family are there to support me. All that time I spent preparing and I've only got one thing to rely on, my heart. You've got to think with your mind, but feel with your heart. Riskiness is the blood running through my veins. The song begins, I open my mouth and began to sing. For the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn't a turtle. I stepped out of my shell and for once the room was mine, all eyes on me and I'm not going to lie, it felt so amazing! Applause at the end was the cherry on top. I didn't care if I was good or not, I just wanted to be able to overcome my fear and have my voice heard. When I enter college, my voice will be heard. Not by how much or how loud I speak, but by how powerful my actions are. I want to be counted and it only takes one person to make a difference, right? Get ready University of Florida here I come full speed, no brakes, ready to take on new challenges and don't expect me to stop.
this was a wonderful story, I felt moved by your experience!
I'm not the best at grammar, so I'm not going to comment on that, but I have a couple things for you.
"Sign up is on the back wall guys," Ms. Londeree hollered. I had so much to do that week, a lacrosse tournament and three huge tests, should I really take this on? One excuse came after another. I had enough on my plate as it was. Of course, God, the thought of Senior Year popped into my head, it was my last chance. Oh what the heck, I took that pen hanging on the clipboard with nothing more but a piece of tape and printed my name nice and neat. I felt motivated, ecstatic but nervous all at the same time to finally be singing at the Talent Show. I've been wanting to sing every year on that stage in the Performing Arts Center, but never really tried. I've watched friends' plays or bands perform, but I wanted someone to watch me for a change. Everytime I got a chance to practice I would, whether it was: walking from class to class, in the middle of lacrosse practice or volunteering at an event, I was always practicing. Before I knew it, the big day was here. You know the saying, "Time flies when you're...freaking out!" Eight was my number on a list of eighteen. Studying those lines over and over again, the words you've read probably a million times looks like a big blur now. It's all in your head, I close my eyes and say a quick prayer; don't let me down now God. My name is called, I step out onto the stage. The lights are blinding, cameras are all flashing, friends and family are there to support me. All that time I spent preparing and I've only got one thing to rely on, my heart. You've got to think with your mind, but feel with your heart. Riskiness is the blood running through my veins. (are you sure "riskiness" is the word you want to use? it feels a bit awkward used like this. Perhaps adrenaline or excitement? it's up to you though.) The song begins, I open my mouth and began to sing. For the first time in my life, I felt like I wasn't a turtle. I stepped out of my shell and for once the room was mine, all eyes on me and I'm not going to lie, it felt so amazing! Applause at the end was the cherry on top. I didn't care if I was good or not, I just wanted to be able to overcome my fear and have my voice heard. When I enter college, my voice will be heard. Not by how much or how loud I speak, but by how powerful my actions are. I want to be counted and it only takes one person to make a difference, right? Get ready University of Florida here I come full speed, no brakes, ready to take on new challenges and don't expect me to stop. (this seems a bit "challenging," and it may work for you, but it sounds like you are telling them what their choice will be. I like it well enough, but it could be taken as "cocky." I'm not sure if you could phrase it differently?)
sorry I couldn't be more help!
good luck~
