Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


Since its opening, I have always considered Snow Mountain as a place of comfort; common app essay


asi677 2 / 3 1  
Sep 14, 2014   #1
Hi I just wrote my essay for my common app and I would be extremely grateful for any suggestions and edits :) thanks!

Prompt: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

The sound of fizzing fried food and the low rumble of voices in many different languages surround me as I leave the kitchen and navigate around the tables. I find my customers, set their food down, and return to the cash register, where my customers come up, thank me for the food, and pay. These few simple steps and basic human interactions can be done by anyone, but to me, they hold a special meaning. I find solace in my work and in my grandparent's decade old restaurant, Snow Mountain, a place that has taught me love and a passion for business.

Since its opening, I have always considered Snow Mountain as a place of comfort. As a child, my parents left me there in the care of my loving grandparents. My grandparents watched over me as I spent my days learning Chinese, attracting customers with my cute naïve baby smile, counting rocks, and occasionally trying out the stove in attempts to make my grandparent's classic chicken. Sadly, these talents were never mastered. But as I matured into a teenager, the influence of Snow Mountain on my mindset and hobbies became more pronounced.

As I transitioned into a high schooler, the aging of my cousins into needy elementary school children became a problem. My grandpa often took time away from Snow Mountain to take care of my cousins, leaving my grandma single-handedly manage the restaurant alone. For her, it was occasionally too busy and hard to handle, so I decided as a freshman that I would be more involved. That day, I became a server and began keeping track of the store. Working made me intrigued in how my grandparents managed to successfully run their business, so I often quietly listened to my grandparents, my dad, and my uncle discuss bills, costs, and profits. As they discussed, I often made mental thoughts to their conversations like what kinds of foods would give us the most profit and the best locations to buy certain materials. Over the past three years, my love for business management grew and expanded into marketing and finance, two fields that I have experienced in a National Youth Leadership Forum for Business, FBLA, and my internship in school.

In addition, Snow Mountain has always been the best place for me to just relax. Homework, the competition to be at the top, and other aspects of high school often left me very stressed and angry. But walking into Snow Mountain every day after school was like a wave of cool, refreshing summer air, calming me and brightening my mood. I could pursue my interests of business management in Snow Mountain while working hard to brighten my customers' moods. I was able to endure long hours of work while boosting my communication skills in an entertaining way. Snow Mountain was the sunlight that came after a long day of studying and working in the storm.

Through my hectic schedule packed with activities such as music lessons to dance class, Snow Mountain was a place that I could count on to make me happy. To others, it is just another small, family owned restaurant, but to me, it is ultimately the place where I am perfectly content.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 14, 2014   #2
You certainly created a well discussed essay that not only shows how you were totally content and peaceful, along with inspired to learn by Snow Mountain. Aside from my suggested edits, I don't believe you should change anything else :-)

the aging of my cousins into needy elementary school children

- aging is not the proper term. instead say :My other cousins who also stayed with my grandparents were growing into..."

leaving my grandma single-handedly manage the restaurant alone.

- to manage the restaurant alone .

so I decided as a freshman that I would be more involved.

Working made me intrigued in how my grandparents managed to successfully run their business

- I was intrigued by the way my grandparents...

As they discussed, I often made mental thoughts to their conversations like what kinds of foods would give us the most profit and the best locations to buy certain materials .

- I made mental notes about the kinds of foods that they said were profitable and the best locations for food supplies.

n addition, Snow Mountain has always been the best place for me to just relax.

pursue my interests of business management in Snow Mountain

- ... pursue my interests in ...

my customers' moods
OP asi677 2 / 3 1  
Sep 23, 2014   #3
Thank you so much for your suggestions! I have fixed everything you said. :)


Home / Undergraduate / Since its opening, I have always considered Snow Mountain as a place of comfort; common app essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳