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UC prompt 1 "Operation Iraqi Freedom"

samicaligirl92 1 / 1  
Nov 15, 2009   #1
Please help me with any grammar errors or any revision advice! Thank You!
* means new paragraph

Prompt # 1: Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

* Operation Iraqi Freedom; Some say it is an honor to go to war, but it is a horrible feeling to watch a loved one board the plane. The day my dad got onto that airplane, my life spiraled downward at full speed. I was left with my stepmom to take care of me, which, at the time, I was actually excited about. It was freshman year and I was so excited that my dad was "defending our country". A few days passed, and my stepmother, Michelle, seemed to have everything under control. Until I came home to find out that on her way home from dropping me off at school, she had crashed into a house and nearly died. Not being of age to drive, I ran all the way to Whittier Hospital to find her in ICU, paralyzed. For the next week or so, I practically lived in the ICU hoping things would take a turn for the better.

*I soon found out that she was high on cocaine and she had passed out at the wheel during the accident. Not only was my stepmom a drug addict but my best friend was gone. I counted down the days until my dad got home.

Things only got worse from there, including her drug addiction. Some days I would come home to her overdosing again, and would have to pin her down or keep her from running up and down the streets naked. Then other days I would come home to find her trying to "cut all the drugs out" of her skin with a knife. Slowly things started disappearing from around the house . Apparently, she was selling our belongings for drugs.

*The day of my father's arrival finally came. A few days later, he found out that she spent over $50 thousand and that she was addicted to drugs. Right away, he filed for a divorce only to find out that she was married to two other men in different counties and was taking their money too. The court made us sell our house due to the debt. We had to live with my aunt and start anew. All we had were the clothes on our back. Everything else was gone.

As a fourteen year old, not only was I trying to live my own life, but I had to take care of a grown woman. Because of the chaos that was happening in my personal life, I was unable to stay focused on my school work. My grades suffered drastically and at the end of the first semester, I was no longer eligible to stay in my honors classes. Since then, I have continued to challenge myself and take rigorous courses. I have made a personal commitment, that despite any of any external mishaps, I will try my hardest to be the best that I can possibly be. Having to grow up at a young age was difficult but also benefiting.

* I have learned that although I have encountered misfortune and tragedy in life, I am given two choices; the choice of blaming past events on my failure and going nowhere in life, or the choice of putting it all in the past and succeeding. From this, I am choicing the path of resilience and success.
pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Nov 16, 2009   #2
First of all I would like to say that I appreciate your fathers bravery to protect our country.

You need to spend more time talking about how you grew from your misfortunes.

You slightly talk about it towards the end
I would say you talk about you problems (50%) and then talk about how you grew (50%)
OP samicaligirl92 1 / 1  
Nov 16, 2009   #3
Thanks for your input :-)

I have been trying to incorporate more about how I grew.
But I don't know how else I could do that!
If you have any ideas, hat would be great!
I'm stuck :/
pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Nov 16, 2009   #4
Well here is how I did my UC prompt

I was exposed to the realities of life at an early age (terrorism, deaths, violence etc) --> I realized the world was evil --> I had developed a dream to change the world --> My answer was politics --> Then i talk about how politcs changed the way I am

I made my growth a gradual process.

If youd like go view my thread, I posted my UC prompt; I can use help as well :/

And see how I made it flow some what?

but it will give you an idea
pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Nov 16, 2009   #5
Look at my threads, youll get a basic idea on how to do it
Moonshadow0302 - / 68  
Nov 19, 2009   #6
It's a moving essay, but it doesn't really show how it shaped your aspirations. Your dad going to war - how did that affect you, except that it left you with your stepmother. If that is the case then you need to perhaps say that more strongly, that your dad left to defend the country but left you defenseless in the process with a drug addict. Without describing in too much detail how she coped with her addiction, perhaps you can talk more about how looking after her affected your grades.

At the end however you need to show in a positive way how you have come out of it. This positive part has been dealt with very briefly and very offhandedly if you know what I mean. Look at this sentence -

Since then, I have continued to challenge myself and take rigorous courses.

Show what courses you took, and what grades you achieved, which will show that you did make a positive comeback.

I have made a personal commitment, that despite any of any external mishaps, I will try my hardest to be the best that I can possibly be.

Also at what point did you make this commitment? Was it after your dad got back and you realized that you had let yourself go? And what made you make this commitment? There is no before or after to this sentence.

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