Hi,
I hope that this essay is good in content and grammar structure. I am still worrying that the introduction isn't a strong grabber. Also, i do not know if I am telling more than showing. Thanks. The conclusion will come soon.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Coming from a "privileged" upbringing, I am surrounded with many opportunities and reliable people that formed my well-rounded characteristics and prepared steps for my future. I was able to enrich my education and social networks from superb schooling, experience different surroundings from traveling, and partake in extracurricular activities to explore in different interests. In addition to the provided opportunities, my experiences working with my father, golf career, and mother's cancer diagnosis motivated thoughts of higher aspirations and prepared components of my future.
Helping out my father in his restaurant, I observed the complicated work he encountered to give my sister and I "privileged" lifestyles. Watching him persevere through long hours of work as a chef, I realize that his job will not be suitable for my future. As a result, I acknowledged that I should utilize my given opportunities to improve my education and characteristics to ensure a better lifestyle in the future. My standards and expectations for my future life and occupation grew. I understood that by getting a job that uses more "brains" than hard labor, I will have to take advantage of the knowledge learned from well-represented schools and friends from my social networks. I now aspire to receive a well-represented job and become financially independent from debts. In return, I desire to follow my school's motto, "men with and for others," and contribute back to society.
As one of my most enjoyed interests, golf is a big portion of my life. It allowed me to prepare life-values, like integrity and perseverance, for my everyday usage. In addition, golf provided opportunities for me to volunteer at the First Tee, meet new people, and explore different environments. Golfing for school influenced me to embrace leadership and teamwork. Although golf is an individual sport, playing for my school was a training ground to compete to my best ability and to give encouragement to my struggling teammates. As the captain of the JV golf team, I took the responsibilities of being a team player by encouraging struggling teammates to finish strong and making sure my performance motivated my teammates to play better. Because of this sport, I was able to easily expand my social skills, knowledge of social issues, and character development.
Recently, my mother had surgery because she was diagnosed with liver cancer. In her recovery period, I learned how to be independent and to be a leader in my household. Because my father has to take care of my mother, I am solely responsible for my sister, my family's financial paperwork, meals, and chores. I discovered that this challenging experience without my parents' support will prepare my future independent lifestyle. By accomplishing this challenge, I feel ready to take on my independent lifestyle in college and in my future occupation.
For your intro, you could use an anecdote or metaphor about your upbringing to grab the audience.
Helping out my father in his restaurant, I observed the complicated work he encountered to support our family's privileged lifestyle
Try not to use the word "it"
I understood that by getting a job that uses more "brains" than hard labor, I will have to take advantage of the knowledge I learned from well-represented schools and friends within my social network.
Well-represented is a vague word; try "prestigious", if that's what you're going for
Also, the last paragraph doesn't fit with the rest of the essay; seems like you just threw it in there.
Otherwise, your content is strong, but grammar needs work. Watch your tenses. Keep it up!
I don't like this part:
receive a well-represented job and become financially independent from debt----it is too general to really mean anything, and it expresses a passive attitude (i.e. to be"given" something instead of to "earn" something).
In return, I desire to follow my school's motto, "men with and for others," and contribute back to society.----I corrected the school motto so that it does not exclude women. Even if the school is all-boys, the "others" are people of both genders.
As one of my most enjoyed interests, golf is a big portion of my life. It allowed me to prepare life-values, like integrity and perseverance, for my everyday usage. If you want to say a sport taught you about integrity and perseverance, you need to back that up somehow.
I think the examples you gave do not require as much description as you gave them. It is important to tell not only about the significance of the activities but also about how they shaped your aspirations. You do not tell much about your specific aspirations. If you want to "ensure a better lifestyle" you have to have a plan. So, adding some specific goals can help you improve this, I think.
:-)
