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An Opportunity Of A Life Time


mszxsunshine 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2009   #1
Constructive Criticism is VERY welcomed =]

In the summer of 2009, I was given the opportunity of a life time; a path that led to many accomplishments. I was one of the limited numbers of students chosen through a rigorous admission process to attend the Academy of Business Leadership (ABL) hosted at UCLA. ABL is a dynamic and innovative non-profit organization that provides business and leadership education to youth from different parts of the world. Out of the ABL Seven Core Values, perseverance was the main principle that impacted me most because my actions displayed dedication, commitment, and optimism.

My battles began before I even attended the program because my family is not high class, but yet not deprived enough to obtain much financial aid, and transportation was also an issue. After many daily phone calls, emails, and letters requesting more financial aid, my tuition fee of $1,100 was reduced to $450 thanks to the generous sponsorship of Merrill Lynch.

At 5 a.m. each morning, I would take a 2hour bus ride to UCLA. In picture books, the bus is portrayed as a very warm and welcoming type of transportation, but it was all a deception. As I took a seat in the back of a crowded bus, the man that was waiting at the post also proceeded to sit directly behind me. At first, all I heard was a soft murmur, thinking that the man must be singing to himself. As his chants grew, it turns out he wasn't humming to a tune, but was using profanity in a very angry tone. Moments later, the back of the bus was filled with sparking noises. Curious to know where it originated, I took a quick glimpse behind me and found out that the noise was created from a sparking taser in the hands of the man. I was finally able to let out a gasp for air when the man finally got off at his stop. On the bus, I encountered all sorts of people and incidents, but this did not prevent me from taking the metro and I learned to become more aware of my surrounding environment.

The main challenge of ABL was the Business Plan Competition; our class was divided into groups of four members to create a virtual business plan of a new product. I was competing against people that have already been exposed to the business world, but my limited knowledge was actually an advantage, it became a motivation to work harder, and rise above everyone else.

On the night of the Harry Potter premiere, I stayed up until 3 o'clock working on the business plan while all my friends went to the movies. I was devastated, but knowing the fact that I am not just any ordinary student gave me incentive to carry on with my work. There were late nights where I just wanted to give up and go to bed, but I was determined, and my teammates depended on me. It definitely took perseverance to pull myself together to attend class daily with lack of sleep, be very attentive during lectures, not arriving home until late evening and yet able to complete a detailed business plan.

Working in a group of people with the same goal allowed us to build trust, friendship, and support when we were on the verge of breaking down. As a result of all the effort and time my teammates and I sacrificed, besides placing first in the oral business plan presentation, we also placed third in the overall best written business plan.

The experience at the Academy of Business Leadership brought me one step closer to attaining my goals of becoming an entrepreneur. It allowed me to fall and fail in a safe environment where no one will judge me, and everyone was given chances to crawl back up again. I am proud of the fact that I have gained knowledge and experience that no other ordinary high school student would ever imagine. I successfully graduated ABL as a leader of today, and the view is worth the climb, every time.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 11, 2009   #2
Is the essay question about an opportunity of a lifetime? Or a meaningful achievement? Instead of clamming many accomplishments from the first sentence, wouldn't it be better to leave this to the reader (maybe rephrase by "path that led to transformative growth.") LIkewise, you write: because my actions displayed dedication, commitment, and optimism. Wouldn't it to show this with specific experiences (instead of telling the reader your opinion and conclusion?)

For instance, you talk about being able to reduce the tuition fee thanks to sponsorship but miss the opportunity to impress the reader by explaining how you secured Merrill's funding.

but my limited knowledge was actually an advantage, WHY - please give examples.

The incident about the man with a taser in the bus is dramatic but tangential to demonstrate your bravery when your essay is about dedication & perseverance.
OP mszxsunshine 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2009   #3
Alright, THANK YOU! I shall fix it up


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