Opportunity is my main concern with choosing a school. FIT TRANSFER ADMISSIONS ESSAY - why FIT?

Hi! I really want to get into FIT and would love if someone could give me any advise on how to make this essay perfect thank you!

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments.

Opportunity is my main concern with choosing a school. Having the chance to achieve many of my goals is important. I didn't put opportunity as a priority when I chose to attend Manhattanville College. I pride myself in being ahead of the rest and doing it all by myself. I also have my flaws and chose to go to a school that would make everyone around me happy but myself. I took it as a challenge to accept Manhattanville and stay but I was defeated and worn out. I am interested in marketing and see myself striving in it in the future. I looked for opportunities here and took them. I got a job at the library as the marketing/graphic design assistant. I got the job by my experience with marketing. In high school I looked for any internships that would benefit me and I was able to do three. I started out interning at a campaign by doing the usual phone banking and canvassing. Then they gave me the opportunity to intern for the legislator who won because of my team and me. I helped her the following summer with her newsletter and social media. That same year I got an internship at a radio station and helped with their entertainment news and social media. All these internships help me realize I love helping companies and people gain popularity. It's amazing how many things go into marketing. I learned important skills like knowing the right time to post a article and how it affects who sees it. I also learned how to make my writing appeal to different age groups for example at the radio station to wrote to mostly young adults or teenagers but at my legislative job I learned to write to community members and higher authorities. It took hard work and a lot of my time to get these jobs but I did everything I could to gain any experience I could get as a high schooler. Majoring in advertising and marketing communications will help me learn and apply my learnings to future jobs and internships. It will also help me achieve my goal of getting my bachelors degree in Advertising and Marketing Communications. Fashion Institute of Technology is exactly that, a school with opportunities. I value all the connections FIT has and how they are the stepping stone for their students so that they can get in the job world of New York City. I need a school that expresses creativity and allows room for growth. In my junior year of high school I took a course at FIT and got to listen to amazing speakers who I still follow today. They inspired me to work hard but to also have passion in your work. I put my own creative touch to any piece of work I do even if it's the smallest news article. I put my voice in all my writing and ideas. Being career focused isn't always on my mind. I also have interests in the fashion world. I have a blog that I don't publicize and I love it. When ever I have see a new trend or just a photo that inspires me I write about and put it up. It there for anyone to see but I like that it's my outlet to express my love for fashion. This semester I decided to tell my friends and family about it and they all ended up loving it. I was afraid to show people my creative side but now I am open about my interest in styling, magazine journalism and even fabrics. I am now a leader instead of a follower, I believe it's important to be both in your lifetime because It allows to grow and learn. I know FIT is a school for people who are willing to fall down when trying hard. I have never gotten things handed to me and I never will. I work hard to all the things I want in life. I work hard to get good grades, make friends, find jobs, network and get connections. I will bring diversity coming from an Ecuadorian background where both of my parents came here as immigrants. They taught me to keep on fighting and never accept no's. They made me who I am today and I want to repay them for all their sacrifice. An Fashion Institute of Technology student is a committed creative person and that is exactly what I am.

Joanna, your essay is currently in need of revision in terms of content and chronology. You seem to also be more focused on your past academic experience rather than providing a more convincing and personalized response to the reasons why you chose to transfer to FIT. Don't put that information as almost a mere afterthought towards the bottom of the essay. It will be best if you present the information required in the same order as it is stated in the prompt requirements. That is because the reviewer expects to read the response in a clear manner, which the prompt is designed to assist them in doing.

Learn to use paragraphs in order to separate your discussions. Each paragraph should have a specific concentration for discussion. The rest of your personal information is relevant and provides a preliminary interview that works for your needs. However, the current format of the paper makes it stressful to read. In this current form, the reader tends to stop reading a few times, I know I found myself doing so, because the letters start to just become a huge pile of letters on the page. You are not writing an FB status update, nor are you Tweeting information. You have more than adequate word count in this instance, so there is no need to fit the information so closely on a single page. Give the reader's eyes a chance to breathe.