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'In order to change the views of the world I must rise higher and do greater things'


soccersick 2 / 4  
Sep 24, 2012   #1
Very rough Draft still needs some work i think

Five decades after the civil rights movement it would seem that the battle to be regarded as equals is still on all for those of African descent. When most people think of "black" people the first thing that most likely pops into their mind is sports. Plain and simple, there is no way around it; black people are often associated with. With this dominance comes recognition, and with the recognition comes a hunger to imitate, this hunger is what is crippling those of African descent and also dictating the light in which they are viewed by the rest of the U.S.

Over my life I have received countless backhanded, stereotypical compliments such as "For a black person you're kind of smart." These compliments, although seemingly harmless by those who give them, have slowly but evidently made a very positive impression on me. Yes, I would be telling a lie if I were to say that the backhanded praises did not bother me in the beginning, but I began to take in the words and decided to make an effort to change the minds of those who carelessly judged only by their media informants. I was convinced that if I were to continue excelling and producing results rivaling to those of even the strongest students in the grade then I would no longer be subjected to being the butt end of a "joke", which seemingly only I was aware, no longer would the cruel plague of the stereotypical crap which people had come to perceive as fact haunt me, I was a man who would be thought of as an equal from the beginning, a now clear misconception on my part.

We began the first day of Team Sports class with 6 team captains who were to select the teams for the week. Although nobody whom I was really familiar with stood at the helm, I still felt confident that I would be chosen fairly quickly due to my prowess at that particular sport. This was not the case, but I really didn't mind, as I strode to my team I jokingly said to my captain "What a Steal" he then responded to me "I would've picked you sooner but you're smarter than most black people and that had to be taken away from somewhere."As my team laughed in amusement, I stared at them in disbelief, was he implying that black people only had a certain amount of potential which had to be translated from one side of the spectrum, academics to the other, athletics. After this event it became clear to me that high school was not the right frontier to make my mark. In order to change the views of the world I must rise higher and do greater things, college is another step that I need to climb in order to achieve my goal, I am eager to bring my standards, goals and enthusiasm to "COLLEGE", and in turn gain what I know will be invaluable experiences.
foxyh 5 / 7 1  
Oct 1, 2012   #2
You have a good focus and you carry it well through out the essay. I did notice that you like commas a lot, my advice to end sentences then begin new ones.

We began the first day of Team Sports class with 6 team captains who were to select the teams for the week. Although nobody whom I was really familiar with stood at the helm, I still felt confident that I would be chosen fairly quickly due to my prowess at that particular sport. This was not the case, but I really didn't mind, as I strode to my team I jokingly said to my captain "What a steal" he then responded to me "I would've picked you sooner but you're smarter than most black people and that had to be taken away from somewhere." As my team laughed in amusement, I stared at them in disbelief. Was he implying that black people only had a certain amount of potential which had to be translated from one side of the spectrum, academics to the other, athletics. After this event it became clear to me that high school was not the right frontier to make my mark. In order to change the views of the world I must rise higher and do greater things, college is another step that I need to climb in order to achieve my goal. I am eager to bring my standards, goals and enthusiasm to "COLLEGE", and in turn gain what I know will be invaluable experiences.

I hope this help!


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