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'orphanage for HIV positive children' - Extracurricular short essay for Common App


qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Nov 7, 2012   #1
Please mainly check on grammar and clarity of thought. Thank you all very much :)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Going to Agape Home, an orphanage for HIV positive children, has truly been a blessing in my life. At Agape Home, each student like me is assigned a child, and the pair becomes 'buddies'. When I first met my buddy, Nim, she was very reserved. When students and I arrived at Agape on a song thaew (Thai share taxi), the children normally ran towards us in excitement. In contrast, Nim stayed behind watching from a distance, and I had to walk towards her first. These past three years, I have tried to be patient with Nim, by realizing that it takes time for someone who has already been denied to open her heart again. In doing so, I could see Nim slowly letting me into her world. Now she freely makes silly jokes, gives me enthusiastic hugs, and sometimes lies on my legs while I fiddle with her hair. To be honest, my original intention of going to Agape was to add an extra activity that could enhance my resume, but now I go eagerly because I know that someone special is waiting for me. I have loved going to Agape and building a personal relationship with a broken hearted girl, and I long to participate in any such community service programs as a college student as well.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Nov 7, 2012   #2
I think it would be better to allocate the last two sentences to the things you could learn through this experience. How could it change your behavior? I mean, you should highlight the positive aspects of the experience
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Nov 7, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for your input!
Could you clarify what you mean by, "allocate the last two sentences to the things you could learn through this experience."?


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