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'an orthopedic surgeon' - CORNELL College of Agriculture and Life Sciences


ashleigh7217 1 / -  
Dec 12, 2009   #1
this an idea i have, not sure how to put this all together or if it will be even good enough..please help

College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major

To tell you the truth, I don't remember the exact count on the batter. Or even what pitch was called. All I remember was the excruciating pain I felt as I released the ball. I overlooked the pain and finished the game, but I couldn't help but notice the immediate swelling. I didn't take the time to truly worry about my arm until the thirteen hour plane ride back from Japan. By the time I was back in the states and saw a doctor it had been two days. My elbow was still inflamed even though I iced it and took Advil. After talk to my pediatrician I was informed to go get an MRI done and have injections into my elbow. I wanted to know what was going on and understand everything behind this injury just as I did to all my previous ones. However, I knew this one would be more serious than the others. This is when I met Dr. Bae, an orthopedic surgeon in Boston.

He walked in with such confidence and I knew right there my injury was diagnosed. Before he told me he asked me questions about myself and my interests. This made me feel comfortable. As we were talking, I found out we both had the same interests; he was a doctor, I want to become a doctor, he played baseball, I play baseball. We were both pitchers and connected instantly. The MRI's were shown and he thoroughly explained how and where my ligament was partially torn. I was crushed. I thought could I ever play again? He read my mind. He told me, "I'm going to take my doctor's hat off and tell you something," I had no idea at this point what he will say. "We live in the real world, as a doctor I'm going to tell you that you need to take six months off. But once again this is the real world and I know you are a competitive athlete." I sat there so intrigued in his speech. He went on explaining how I need to be smart about my injury, and I choose when I should play or not. The risk of me playing will increase the probability of it tearing completely. The risk of me not playing will be me not being seen college coaches, which means a loss of scholarship opportunity. He put the science behind my injury and applied it to my own life. This is when I knew at that very moment that I wanted this career.

(havent finished ending)
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 12, 2009   #2
"Throughout my childhood I have been fascinated on how things worked which has grown immensely over the years. From school subjects such as chemistry and anatomy, to everyday life such as sports has drawn my attention."

These two sentences are basically irrelevant to the rest of your essay. Either get rid of them, or find a way to tie your "sports injury" story in.

"I love to help people. That is a fact. I know with these two factors of selflessness and curiosity that life sciences would be the perfect fit for me. Within life sciences, I want to pursue a career in the physician assistant career."

This section is choppy and rather redundant. With a bit of rephrasing and condensing, it could be much smoother: "I love to help people, and my selflessness and curiosity have led me to aim for a career as a physican assistant."

"As I sat there, scared of what really might be wrong with my arm as I saw the foot long needle injected into my, the comfort the physician had calmed me down. They were so graceful and seemed so intrigued into their job that I asked, "Do you ever get tired of doing the same thing ma'am?""

First of all, you have some grammar errors that need to be fixed; change "my" into "me" or "my arm", and change "the comfort the physician had calmed me down" to "the physician's calm attitude gave me a sense of comfort." Also, you refer to "the physician" (or do you mean physician's assitant?) as "they", but later on you only mention one woman. If that is the case, then "they" should be changed to "she".

This essay has some potential, but you need to expand on your themes a lot more. I also noticed that you mention that your injury occurred in the summer of 2008, which would be considered two summers ago, not "last summer". Instead of relying on your description of a single incident, perhaps add some more examples- you say that you're "selfless" and "curious", for example, but there is no apparent proof of your selflessness or curiosity in your essay. You could also mention some additional steps you've taken to reach your goal- have you taken AP classes in chemistry or biology, for example? Have you volunteered at a hospital or a research lab? Your essay is a good start, but it needs a lot more information to best represent your interests and goals.


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