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I AM NOT AN OUTSIDER. I'm not a typical Egyptian. Common app essay


kayanabdou 2 / 4  
Oct 17, 2015   #1
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

"Happy birthday!" "Kol sana wenta tayeb!" "La mulți ani!" It took nearly 5 minutes for my parents to finish singing happy birthday to me in English, Arabic and Romanian. I took a deep breath, looked down at the flickering candles atop my cake, made a wish and blew. The heat of the candles left my face while the acrid scent of smoke entered my nostrils. My ears were absorbed by the many ambulance and police sirens constantly reverberating through the streets, yet the only object my eyes could focus on was the television. My mind was not present. I was continuously replaying the conversation I had with my father merely a week earlier, on the way back from being let out of school early, asking him if all the rumors of an upcoming revolution were true. He unpretentiously replied, "We will look back at this day and laugh!" But there we were, on the L-shaped couch in the center of my living room, witnessing the dramatic scenes of chaos in the streets of Cairo. We sat still, cake untouched with no words to describe how we felt. Egypt was the center of the world's attention.

I have lived in Egypt for the majority of my life, but I am not what one would call a typical Egyptian. I travel frequently, speak four languages, go to a international school and simply don't look like most of the people around me. I'm not saying that I'm an outsider, or that I don't fit in, in fact, over the years I managed to affiliate myself with multiple social groups in my community, Egyptian and foreigner. But that's not the point. The point is that most of the people that knew me thought that I would leave my home once the uprising began, which was the case for basically most of my friends. They assumed that a person living in a house with an Egyptian father, Romanian/American mother, Romanian grandparents and two Thai cats would be the first to leave when problems arise. That was the complete opposite of my intentions. Throughout my life in Egypt I did my best to improve the community I lived in by organizing a Charity that aids underprivileged people in need of medical treatment, cleaning the streets around my house and taking part in charity soccer games. I created an identity for myself that I couldn't just leave behind. Even during all the mayhem that was happening, my father and I spent long nights in the streets of our neighborhood protecting our houses from burglars. That was what my life consisted of, helping others. How can one just pack his bags and flee? To me that was hard to interpret.

Still, night after night, day after day, the fighting escalated leading to my school being closed for three weeks. For any teen, an extra three-week holiday would be something out of a dream, but for me it just created room for worries. I dreaded the day where I had to leave, the day that was slowly creeping up on my family. As a 13-year-old boy my biggest concern was choosing what to take with me if we were forced out of the country. Every morning I would stare at the 7ft tall bookshelf alongside my bed, filled with all my life's memories from signed soccer balls to family pictures, clearly remembering every memory. It was then that I realized that this curious piece of furniture was a reflection of my life and the only object that could define me. Every shelf acted as a new era of my past, a new piece to my life puzzle and a new memory. I would've never been able to choose one thing to keep, not until I have completed my journey, and my story. Luckily I didn't have to, that one wish in front of the T.V on the 28th of January added a new memory to my bookshelf.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 17, 2015   #2
Kayan, could you do us a favor and provide us with a copy of the complete prompt response that you are trying to answer? It would just help us to better analyze your essay for content and responsiveness if you could do that. The essay that you present is truly compelling but I have some questions as to its relevance to the prompt.

You talk a lot about staying in Egypt during the uprising and doing your best to keep your neighbors safe. You speak of the volunteer activities that you have had in the past. There are also references to your way of life and physical appearance. Somehow these topics do not seem all connected to me. They seem to be speaking of a different aspect of you as a person at every turn. I guess I would figure out the purpose of this format more if I knew what the prompt requirements are. I hope you can provide it soon.

I think though, that since this is an essay about being an outsider (?) then maybe you should instead be focusing on the reasons that people view you as being an outsider in Egypt. It seems that you do live the life of an outsider in the country because of your background. So perhaps, instead of focusing on your volunteer activities and the fact that your parents chose to stay in Egypt during the turmoil that existed, you should instead shed light on why you are an Egyptian. What are the cultural roots, emotional connections, and other aspects of being an Egyptian, in the true sense of the word that you embody? Regardless of your different physical appearance and family wealth, tell us what makes you an Egyptian, what do you share in common with the typical Egyptian that you feel is special about the people? Discuss that point and then perhaps, you will be able to better establish that you are not an outsider, regardless of how people first view you. I just feel like that is the true target of this essay, finding who you are behind all of the trappings of everyday life.
OP kayanabdou 2 / 4  
Oct 18, 2015   #3
@vangiespen
Here is the prompt that I am writing to: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Thank you for your advice. When writing the essay I really wanted to show that I'm culturally diverse and differ from my community, don't you think that by me writing about why I'm Egyptian kinda cancels out the whole diverse and unique idea? I basically want to show the admissions officers that I can bring variety to their campuses mostly due to my identity of being distinct.

Either way I will make alterations to the essay according to your helpful advice and see how it gets on :)
Many Thanks
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 18, 2015   #4
Kayan, you may be on to something there. Like I said in my previous post, my comments were based upon the existing information in your essay and my assumption of the prompt. Now that you have delivered the actual prompt, I can see that your answer may be considered a very good look into your background as a mixed race Egyptian. The thing is, I am not sure if you should be retaining the activities that you did in Egypt during the uprising. It does not seem to fit into the background requirement. I also still believe that you should talk about how you are an insider regardless of how you look.

Now about your concern. I know that proving your diversity will show your ability to thrive in a diverse college community. However, your background is more interesting than that. You are a unique Egyptian who looks different from others but has a strong love for your mother country. I really think that you should play that up as part of your background story. In my point of view, as a reviewer, I would tend to remember a person who has a unique background in terms of her looks but has a strong love for her countrymen, regardless of how they view that person.

I do not believe that it would cancel out the diverse idea. Instead, I think it would help to further enhance it based upon your various life experiences. Then again, I can only offer comments and advice. The final content of the essay is really going to be based upon what you finally want the essay to contain :-)

I look forward to reading your revised essay when you can get it ready for posting here :-)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 21, 2015   #5
Kayan, I read your essay and here's my observation.

- the prompt was partly answered, partly because you did write about the incident that will remain in your memory forever and is a part of your struggle as well as success, however, the prompt is also asking for something that you think will complete your application. You shared a story of struggle, of survival but not of an event that will answer what the prompt is asking.

- the logical order of your essay is quiet challenging to comprehend too, you went from a multilingual appreciation and diversity of your nature to the war in Egypt and ended to a book shelf of memory, what do you want your readers to understand, what is the message of your essay?, this are the questions I have.

- what I get out of your essay is you being diverse and multilingual but I still don't get it, see yourself as a reader of your essay and you will understand what I mean.

Now, I wish to see a complete revision of your essay here on EF so we can assist you further, the part where you were proving that you're bilingual is a good part other than that the whole piece should be revised.


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