I'm a very outspoken person, friendly and I like to meet new people. I also love to sing and read in my spare time. I see myself as someone who is very persistent, and will always get back on her feet. I am a believer of God, His love, guidance, and protection upon my life. I have gone through things in my life that I never thought I would be able to get myself through.I did of course with the guidance and direction from God and my mother. My goals are to become the best that I can be through all my trials and tribulations. I feel that God put me through things so that in the end I will be successful. I will stay determined and focused on my goals. Palm Beach Atlantic fit into my goals being that it isn't too far away from home and it's close to the beach. When I get depressed or need to think about things ocean water always seems to soothe me. I also get to interact with others who have the same aspirations about life after high school. My present goals are to finish high school and attend Palm Beach Atlantic in the fall of this year to major in Pre-Pharmacy and minor in Psychology. Palm Beach Atlantic Pharmacy program is good but not as big as others. With a student-faculty ratio of 12:1. Being that it is this way it let's the students develope an experience kind of like the one that they will have with their patients. Another important goal of mine is to graduate from Palm Beach Atlantic. I also plan to become closer to God and continue to keep Him first in my life. I see Palm Beach Atlantic as a place for me to achieve all of my goals. I truely believe that Palm Beach Atlantic is a place for me to make all these things possible, through hardwork and dedication. Being that this is a Christian University this school will provide me with the proper education and a positive learning enviornment as well as experience. With Chapel services thats a time for me to start fresh and clear my mind for the upcoming week. Furthermore, I will learn more about God and be getting an education at the same time. With determination, the push of my mother and through God's will I will be successful at Palm Beach Atlantic. I am certain that Palm Beach Atlantic is the best choice of school for me.
I think that the sentences are choppy and the ideas are just being listed. I do not see who you are! Talk about yourself more than the university. The University people already have information about themselves. You can do it!!! I have faith in you.
I enjoy movies. The latest picture I viewed was "500 Days of Summer". In the movie a man goes through life believing the perfect girl will come to him in a random "You've Got Mail" sort of way.
I love the scene when he sees Zooey's character with an engagement ring on her finger. How could she get married when she did not even want a boyfriend? He runs out of her place and when he arrives in the middle of the street the scene stops and gets animated. Then another day comes.
See the movie if you haven't already. It is in my NCAA bracket for movie picks of 2009.
Comment: After reading your essay, I don't really get the feel that you are stating what your present and future goals are. I think you don't really need to write about the school you want to go to. They want to know about you, not the school. I feel that you are just writing everything down.
Divide this into a few paragraphs so that the reader does not run away from it! Paragraphs make a piece of writing more manageable.
I'm very outspoken and friendly, and I like to meet new people. I also love to sing and read in my spare time. I see myself as someone who is very persistent, and will always get back on her feet. (Right here, add some sentences with your thesis statement and the main idea you want the reader to remember.)
Then, start paragraph 2:
I am a believer of God, His love, guidance, and protection...
Palm Beach Atlantic fit into my goals, because it isn't too far away from home and it's close to the beach. ------- hmmm.. it might be nice to say something about your intellectual and professional interests that can be pursued there, too.
With a student-faculty ratio of 12:1. --- incomplete sentence
Being that With close-knit classes, the students develop an experience kind of like the one that they will have with their patients.
Another important goal of mine is to graduate from Palm Beach Atlantic. ---- too obvious!
Good luck!! Stop using that expression "being that it is (such-and-such), ..." It is sort of a nonstandard colloquial phrase that makes writing confusing. Not everyone would agree with me, though. It might be okay. :-)
who are you?
do you like your life?, surroundings?
things that you are very proud of, and something that you want to improve on after getting accepted from college.