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'overall entrepreneurial spirit' - Stanford -- Roommate prompt


jaybee 5 / 5  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
PROMPT: Virtually all of Standford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you of that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better.

(currently 1996 characters out of 2000 max. long)

Hi, there. I have to say that I have been wondering who you would be since I was a young girl. It is finally that year -- 2012, and I am so excited to start my new life. I cannot wait for the adventures and trials that we will endure together in our dorm, especially those midterm all-nighters. I am an only child, which makes me value the relationships I develop with others even more. I have many conservative values, but if you do not, that only excites me more as I am always interested in hearing the other perspective.

Together, there is nothing that we cannot overcome. I am not afraid of anything. If there is a spider crawling on your mattress, I will gladly pick it up and set it free from its own horrific experience- no spider guts, please! I love to do yoga and I am fluent in American Sign Language, two things that calm my nerves. If you are stressing, I can show you some moves. I love sports and the outdoors, and I plan on joining the novice crew team, rock climbing, and training for a marathon. If you need an adventure, I'm your girl.

My favorite thing about Stanford is its overall entrepreneurial spirit. I want to be a sustainable business owner, and I look forward to getting some startups going while here. So, if you see a wall covered with whiteboards, tape, and scribbles of numbers, do not be alarmed; it's not another one of my art pieces, I am just keeping track of my pennies! Art is a very important part of who I am. I might hang some of O'Keeffe's, Basquiat's, or even my own work up. With regards to art, I hope that my taste in music will grow on you; It's a bit unusual. I love CocoRosie (sisters with beards!) and The Tallest Man on Earth (his voice cracks, but I love it!) and some clean rap. Amongst all of this, I am someone that you can count on. I know that we will have an amazing time together during the years to come. The most important thing to me in life is those whom I spend it with. So, tell me about yourself. By the way, I'm Jade.
pringles 6 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
This essay really does tell about you as a person. It's clean and I don't think I saw any major grammatical errors.
However, it was a little impersonal in tone. I think you could change some of your sentence structure to achieve a more personal tone.
Sentences like : "I am an only child, which makes me value the relationships I develop with others even more." could be redone and made more easy to read and make the essay define you even more.

I also like that you seem to understand that Stanford's admissions officers are your true audience and tell them many things that they really care about. You make yourself seem ambitious and daring. Especially with the part about entrepreneurial spirit.

All in all i liked it!
I'm doing the same one, could you take a look? please and thank you :)
TheLeader 2 / 36  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
Overall, great job. Your essay shows a lot about yourself, and how you can easily get well with your roommate and other future classmates. It shows the school you have good traits and pretty neat interests. Take a look at my edits above and let me know what you think. Good luck!

Please take a look at my essay(s) again :)


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