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"Overcoming Adversities" - My College Readmission Essay


greyfidelity 1 / 2  
Apr 22, 2016   #1
Hi guys! I'm applying to be readmitted into my university after being disqualified for poor academic performance. I'm required to write a personal statement explaining my difficulties leading to disqualification and how I will/have changed as a student. Any feedback would be much appreciated!!

Dear Admissions Counselor,

In light of being disqualified from ___ in 2013, I would like to explain what influenced my poor academic performance, and why I am ready to be a student at ___ again.

During my last semester at ___, my grandmother's health was declining. My family decided to move her into our home, and while my parents were at work I would take care of her. Watching my grandmother lose herself and eventually pass away took a great toll on me, which led to a loss of focus and motivation in school and life in general. Following my disqualification from ___, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and felt as if I had been losing my sense of self; it became increasingly difficult to step out of my comfort zone. I had never felt so challenged as a person, battling my own destructive thoughts on a day to day basis.

Although my grandmother's death and my diagnosis took part in derailing me from achieving success in my classes, the hiatus from ___ allowed me to realize that my academic faults and shortcomings were mostly due to my poor study habits, time management and use of resources. I learned a lot about myself during that hiatus, and the most important thing that I took away from my experiences is that adversities do not have to determine how you will live the rest of your life. After months of stubbornness I sought out help and worked on my anxiety issues with a therapist, which allowed me to crawl out of the "safe space" I felt confined to. I began taking classes again at ________ College in the summer of 2015, receiving A grades in the courses of Medical Terminology, First Aid and CPR, and Anatomy and Physiology, as well as making the effort to develop lasting relationships with my professors. While working two to three days a week as a waitress to save money for class, I also started to shadow physical therapists in the pediatric and outpatient setting; I have wanted to become a physical therapist since I was 18, and I have always wanted to pursue a career that allows me to benefit others. The anatomy and physiology of the human body fascinates me, so I have spent a lot of my free time researching and teaching myself about the body and medicine. I have become eager to learn new things every day, and I feel that I have left the girl who didn't appreciate her education in the past. More than anything, I am grateful for the time that I took off, because it has showed me that my shortcomings could have been avoided had I been a more dedicated student, and that I should never take great opportunities for granted.

Returning to ___, in my opinion, would be the most valuable stepping stone to my future. Learning the mechanics of the body and aiding those in need are my passion, and pursuing a degree in Sport and Exercise Science will allow me to be a more dedicated student who is interested in their field of study. I will commit more time to my coursework, spend more time studying and I will use the resources and office hours provided to me at ___. I will take twelve to fifteen credit hours a semester, which will put me on track to graduate in the fall of 2018. I will also continue to complete observation hours under physical therapists to gear me in the direction of applying to ___'s Physical Therapy School.

Overall, I feel that I have overcome the obstacles which previously hindered my academic performance, and that I am ready to be a (insert University+school mascot here) again. Thank you for your time and consideration.

JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 23, 2016   #2
Dear greyfidelity,

It is a pleasure to be working with you today.

Your essay is very inspiring. I wish you success in your studies and that you make your dreams come true.

You have strong writing skills.

Here are a few things I would like you to correct:

... and while my parents were at work, I would take care of her. ...

... Returning to ___ , in my opinion, would be the most valuable stepping stone to my future. ... When you omit "in my opinion," it adds more confidence to your sentence and essay. Own it! You are now prepared and ready to take this challenge, and you know it.

... I will commit more time to my coursework, spend more time studying, and I will use the resources and office hours provided to me at ___. ...

... Overall, I feel that I have overcome the obstacles which previously hindered my academic performance, and that I am ready to be a (insert University+school mascot here) again. Thank you for your time and consideration. ... "Overall, I feel that" makes the sentence weak. You don't feel that you overcame the obstacles. You want your last sentence to make an impression on the reader. So get to the point by saying that you have overcome the obstacles.... It makes the sentence stronger.

I hope my insights help in the betterment of your essay.

Good luck!
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 24, 2016   #3
Hi Brandi, first of all, I do understand that we need to be truthful with our writing, especially when it comes to the negative adversities that had happened, however, I believe to approach your essay with this unfortunate event is not the best way to start the essay.

I can see that you received a comprehensive remark here from one of the EF contributors and I hope you follow through. As this is a readmission essay, there is one thing that you have to prove to the council, that you are worthy of becoming a part of the institution. That this chance of re-admission will only be the start towards achieving greater heights in life.

Moreover, you have to be able to showcase, your can - do attitude, this will create more character to the essay and will definitely show them the real you and what you are capable of doing and contributing to the institution.

Do remember as well that, this is an opportunity that you long for and you should have your best foot forward. I wish you the best of luck and do let know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 24, 2016   #4
Ivy, thank you for adding that comment. I think the essay was missing a little confidence too. It needs a more "can do" attitude as you say.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 24, 2016   #5
Hi Juan, indeed, confidence is missing in this essay.
The thing is, once you write, the reader, specially the admission council, will feel the sincerity, the confidence and the heart that you put into your writing and this should be pictured in the essay.

Moreover, the writer needs to believe in himself / herself, remember, the more you accept that you are the best and not the second best, the more power you give to the essay that you write.

Nevertheless, the essay just needs a little bit of polishing, a lot of heart and believe that re- admission to college is within reach and last but not the least, the courage to endure the challenge ahead. The essay is the start of a new beginning, a beginning of life's greater challenge and even more so greater success.
OP greyfidelity 1 / 2  
Apr 24, 2016   #6
How would you suggest that I start off the essay? My grandmothers health issues are the main reason that I felt unmotivated, so I feel like I would have to fabricate things to make it sound another way. :(
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 24, 2016   #7
Perhaps do not start the essay with sadness. I would rather write a brief introduction were you foreshadow the events, but you don't give it all away. You can state a thesis where you tell the reader that despite the adversities you went through, you are ready to get back in the program and succeed. In the following paragraph, you can discuss the reasons for your academic performance, which you already have. And continue with what you have. However, when you begin writing about your goals, make sure you sound confident. Look at the points I wrote in the first message. "I know," "I am ready," "I have what it takes," etc. In my opinion, I like that you are honest about your Grandmother. Just do not begin right away.

I understand what Ivy is saying. Focus on all of the positive aspects from this experience, and how it made you grow into a more centered person, etc. Something in that realm. I like your essay so far though.
OP greyfidelity 1 / 2  
Apr 24, 2016   #8
How does this sound?

Dear Admissions Counselor,

In light of being disqualified from ___ in 2013, I would like to explain what influenced my poor academic performance, and why I am ready to be a student at v again.

I entered the University of ___ as a Health Sciences Pre-Clinical major in 2012. As someone who skated through school in the previous years without much difficulty, I assumed that my experience would be similar at ___. Although I possessed the vision to be a successful student, I lacked the willpower required to do so; this eventually resulted in being placed on academic probation in the fall of 2013.

During my last semester at UCF, my grandmother's health was declining. My family decided to move her into our home, and while my parents were at work, I would take care of her. Watching my grandmother lose herself and eventually pass away took a great toll on me, which led to a loss of focus and motivation in school and life in general. Following my disqualification from ___, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and felt as if I had been losing my sense of self; it became increasingly difficult to step out of my comfort zone. I had never felt so challenged as a person, battling my own destructive thoughts on a day to day basis.

Although my grandmother's death and my diagnosis took part in derailing me from achieving success in my classes, the hiatus from ___ allowed me to realize that my academic faults and shortcomings were mostly due to my poor study habits, time management and use of resources. I learned a lot about myself during that hiatus, and the most important thing that I took away from my experiences is that adversities do not have to determine how you will live the rest of your life. After months of stubbornness I sought out help and worked on my anxiety issues with a therapist, which allowed me to crawl out of the "safe space" I felt confined to. I began taking classes again at Seminole State College in the summer of 2015, receiving A grades in the courses of Medical Terminology, First Aid and CPR, and Anatomy and Physiology, as well as making the effort to develop lasting relationships with my professors. While working two to three days a week as a waitress to save money for class, I also started to shadow physical therapists in the pediatric and outpatient setting; I have wanted to become a physical therapist since I was eighteen, and I have always wanted to pursue a career that allows me to benefit others. The anatomy and physiology of the human body fascinates me, so I have spent a lot of my free time researching and teaching myself about the body and medicine. I have become eager to learn new things every day, and I have left the girl who didn't appreciate her education in the past. More than anything, I am grateful for the time that I took off, because it has showed me that my shortcomings could have been avoided had I been a more dedicated student, and that I should never take great opportunities for granted.

Returning to ___ would be the most valuable stepping stone to my future. Learning the mechanics of the body and aiding those in need are my passion, and pursuing a degree in Sport and Exercise Science will allow me to be a more dedicated student who is interested in their field of study. I will commit more time to my coursework, spend more time studying, and I will use the resources and office hours provided to me at ___. I will take twelve to fifteen credit hours a semester, which will put me on track to graduate in the fall of 2018. I will also continue to complete observation hours under physical therapists to gear me in the direction of applying to ___'s Physical Therapy School.

I have overcome the obstacles which previously hindered my academic performance, and I am ready to be a (___ school mascot) again. Thank you for your time and consideration.
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Apr 25, 2016   #9
Hi Brandi,

Your essay looks good to me.

Fifth paragraph:

... will allow me to be a more dedicated student who is interested in their field of study. I willam ready to commit more time to my coursework, spend more time studying, and I will use the resources and office hours ...

I want you to print out the essay once you are done editing. Then, read the essay to yourself and see how it sounds to you.

Other than that, it is good to go. Have someone read it for you as well. Listen to it and what you don't like. Check for the flow of words.

Good luck!


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