Tell us about a personal quality, talent, acccomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Throughout my life, I have always been known as the quiet, shy girl. When I got to high school, this didn't change; in fact, it got worse. I didn't know many kids, was often withdrawn, and hardly ever spoke in class unless it was absolutely necessary. Any sort of public speaking, from answering a question in class, to the dreaded presentations in front of everyone I didn't know, was enough to send my head reeling and my heart beating so fast it felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I realized that I didn't want to have to go through my last two years of high school like this, constantly worrying that my teacher was going to call on me, eating a quick lunch so I could go back and hide among the bookshelves in the library, and not enjoying school.
After the first semester of my junior year, I learned about a part of the Boy Scouts called Venturing, which includes both boys and girls around my age. After a first meeting with the local Venture crew, I decided to join. I quickly got to know the people in my crew and soon considered them friends. As I spent more time around them, I grew more confident, and, surprisingly, accepted the position of Vice President of Communications. I began to enjoy school more, and found myself feeling more comfortable engaging in casual conversations with my peers, and even asking questions in class. The crucial moment where I realized how much I had changed happened during a campout with my crew and many other crews from around California. One morning during announcements, someone held up the bandana that I had dropped the night before. The "tradition" is that a person who loses something has to sing "I'm a little teapot" in front of everyone. When it was my turn, I walked up to the front with loads of encouragement from my crew, sang, and did the motions to the song in front of dozens of people I had never met before. After I finished, I jogged back to where my crew stood with the biggest smile on my face, high-fiving my friends, because I knew that just a year before I would never have done anything so radical, and I had truly conquered my fear. Now that I understand what I am capable of accomplishing, so many doors have opened, and nothing will hold me back from reaching my goals.
I've already gotten this checked by a couple people, but I would appreciate more feedback before I submit it, thanks!
And if you could check my other essay, titled My pet, that would also be great!
You have a strong essay, but it could be better in some areas.
For example when you end your first paragraph with and not enjoying high schoool it sounds a bit awkward. You could probably create a new sentence with that thought instead and it would add to your essay and create a better transition into the next paragraph. If you create a better transition then your essay will flow better and it will make your essay stronger.
Your second paragraph is good, but it could be a little better. You could focus on the experience you had and then you could make a separate paragraph that goes into greater depth about how it affected you. You do this well in your final few sentences, but if you add more then your essay will be much stronger. For exapmle, you could say something like my experience at the campout changed me for the better because...
Also I enjoyed your concluding sentence. It is stated very nicely, but you might want to change the wording a bit.
"Now that I understand what I am capable of accomplishing, so many doors have opened, and nothing will hold me back from reaching my goals."
instead you could say:
I now understand that I can accomplissh anything and because of this so many doors have opened. My experience with the Venture Crew has taught me that being shy isn't the right way to live because it prevents me from reaching my dreams.
Overall it was nice, just needs a little tweaking. Good luck
P.S. Thanks for your comment on my essay :)
