I don't know if I did good on my essay. I need help to improve it.
UC PROMPT #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Throughout my high school years, I was always timid and quite that affected my self-esteem. Every time the assignment was to present a presentation in front of the class, I begin to tremble. I would achieve the assignment, but I would not feel the success of having done so. In my junior year I was able to become a little more outgoing than usual yet I still had my shyness that prevailed my outgoing behavior . It was not until my senior year I had to face my fear of presenting without the tremble. I attended the National Honors Society and the advisor was asking for officers. I was aiming to be secretary of the club, but as soon as the advisor said that a speech was required along with the nomination my trembling began. I had two days to present a speech that would express my enthusiasm toward the position and I signed up for it.
This was an opportunity to show my peers that have visibly seen my flaws before in past presentations that I was not going to continue to be withdrawn from them. I try to focus all my attention to what I was going to say, I wanted to create a speech that could describe the devotion I was going to bring to win over my peers. I tried to memorize the speech so I would not be able to stumble over the words once I spoke and I did so in front of the mirror since my little brother did not have the patience to hear my speech several times.
After having two days to practice, it was time to face the challenge of whether I had the courage to face my fear. I waited for the nominations to be announced and notice that only two people were running. I knew that it was between the runner up for valedictorian of the senior class, who was one of my best friends, and me. I was surprised to be running against her , but I was not scared to do so because at this point I was already proud of myself to face my timidity.
Once my name was called I stood up, went in front of the class, and began my speech. I spoke without the habit of trembling and I made sure my eye contact was focused on everyone in the room. When I finished, I felt the success I yearned for. The nominees were sent outside to wait for the results so I stood outside, which was the most nerve-racking moment in my life . We were all called back inside to hear the results and it turned out that I did not win the position for secretary, but I won for treasurer. I was honored that I won for treasurer even though I wanted to be the secretary. Because I overcame my diffidence, I believe I can overcome any obstacle that blocks my path to succeed.
Hi, there. I am not very good at grammar myself, but I noticed a few mistakes in your essay.
Every time the assignment was to present a presentation in front of the class, I begin to tremble.
I suggest you use active voice, and maintain consistency in tense; Every time I was to present a presentation in front of class for my assighment, I began to tremble.
I would achieve the assignment.
There might be a better word for "achieve," mayb you could just say "I would complete the assignment?"
In my junior year I was able to become a little more outgoing than usual yet I still had my shyness that prevailed my outgoing behavior
You can say; yet my shyness still prevailed over my outgoing behavior/ or yet I still had my shyness overshadow my outgoing behavior.
This was an opportunity to show my peers that have visibly seen my flaws before in past presentations that I was not going to continue to be withdrawn from them.
This was an opportunity to show my peers whohad seen my flaws...
After having two days to practice, it was time to face the challenge of whether I had the courage to face my fear.
Maybe it can be better to say; , it was time to face the challenge to test myself whether I had the courage to face my fear/or it was time to face the challenge to test my courage against my fear
I waited for the nominations to be announced and notice that only two people were running.
Tense; I waited for the nominations to be announced and noticed that only two people were running.
You could describe in more detail about your feeling, the sense of achievement you had after your speech, and relate them to the person you are now/how you've changed.
I hope my comments would help. Good luck!
1.0 very bad
10.0 very good
5.0
There's so much potential in this essay, but it's splotched with disappointments. Give me SOMETHING that repudiates the formulaic approach in favor of real sentiment, mood, details...
Details may be the most oft misunderstood aspect of a good essay; too many and you lose sight of the point; too few and you turn in an essay that just isn't special.
