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'overwhelmed with emotion' - Transfer Applicant - George Washington University


daisylad 2 / 5 1  
Nov 25, 2015   #1
Please tell us what excites you about being a member of the GW community. (500 word limit)

The idea of going to college in a completely different environment makes me overwhelmed with emotion since this is something I always knew I wanted. The idea of transferring to a university in one of the world's most important cities, one that so potently houses the love for art, business, and politics, further elates my motivation to attend. I am invigorated by the life in Washington, D.C., and when I ponder the idea of attending George Washington University, I am beyond thrilled by the college experience that I am about to live.

I decided that GW is the right fit for me because of the broad diversity of the school. The fact that I will be spending countless moments with peers who come from all over the world makes me ecstatic with what's to come. Coming from a country half way around the world, I am positive that this will allow me to interact with students whose different perspectives and backgrounds will further broaden my own, improving my skills in networking and collaboration. I am also eager to experience the in-college housing, which I am confident will result in a memorable college life and social experience, both of which I am eagerly seeking.

I look forward to participating in various athletic and spirit programs and collaborate with the students by joining different student organisations, mainly in leadership and community service. I believe these activities will result in the development of my personal growth. The academic life of GW buzzes with energy and the location of the school is just right for my love of entrepreneurship. Not only will I get business skills through studies, I will also get to see how business is conducted on a daily basis. Through the array of bustling small businesses in Washington, D.C., entrepreneurship students are put at the centre of a creative mind map, where there is no limit to where your imagination can take you. On top of that, my vision is to collaborate with peers who possess the creative skills to make a positive impact on society.

Simply thinking about the idea of being a member of the GW community excites me. I cannot even imagine how I will feel to actually be a part of it. I know it will be life changing, and I am ready for it.

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Please let me know how it is. I really want to get into this school!
irhame 52 / 50 25  
Nov 25, 2015   #2
TheAn idea of going to college in a completely different environments makes me overwhelmed with emotion ... The idea of transferring to an university in one of the world's ...

I am invigorated by the life in Washington, D.C. andwhat is more, when I ponder the ideanotion of attending George Washington University ...
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 25, 2015   #3
Daisy, try to be more specific in terms of your discussion. The ideas that you have set forth in this essay are quite abstract and seem to paint a rosy picture of what you think your college life at GW will be like. It is not based or grounded in the reality of your future situation. It seems that your concentration in attending college is more geared towards the social and athletic aspect of your college attendance. That should not be the case. While the city and the university community may appeal to you strongly, remember that you are attendign college to get an education. Not to spend all your time partying, engaging in sports activities, and socializing with your peers. That is called a country club membership :-)

Instead, try to balance the content of your essay. Show your seriousness as a student by explaining the academic aspect of your college life and how you are excited by the prospect of being able to attend this university. Use examples of the libraries, research centers, and other student education facilities that are related to your chosen major in describing the excitement that you feel. If there are professors whom you know of who will be teaching subjects you plan to enroll in, mention and explain the excitement about that as well.

Always present the academic aspect of the school community alongside its social aspect. I realize that coming from a different country makes you excited to experience the American way of life as soon and as plentiful as possible, don't forget that you did not enroll in a party university. This is a serious academic institution that would definitely like to hear about how academically excited you are, alongside the social excitement. Just try to balance the discussion of the two in the essay and you should be fine. By the way, any reference to the city that the university is located in should be left for the very last statement. That is not really relevant to the excitement that you are expected to deliver regarding the academic and social community of the university.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 25, 2015   #4
Daisy, upon reading your essay, it made me feel like I'm reading an essay written by a
freshman, there's not enough points to consider as it's written quite poorly.

You have to strengthen your essay by re- writing it with conviction and choose the words that you associate in your essay,
make sure that you describe things and ideas precisely and not just in a subtle manner. I suggest that you also do a little bit of research

on terminologies use in writing an essay to the university as they will criticize your essay very well and they will make sure that
you know what you are talking about and you know what you are getting into.

I hope to see your revised essay posted here on EF so we can help you further.
OP daisylad 2 / 5 1  
Nov 26, 2015   #5
Thank you so much for your comments, they have really helped me! Here is the new draft of my essay. I hope it's more suitable for my application.

--

In high school, I spent my last two years working towards my International Baccalaureate Diploma. Although it was not easy, the rigorous curriculum kept pushing me to develop my intellectual, personal, social, and emotional skills. I was introduced to a globalised way of thinking and this inspired me on a daily basis. In those two years, the constant work load in both academics and extra curricular activities were key to my personal growth. However, after a year and a half in college, I find myself in a position where my growth has plateaued. Despite this observation, I realise that I needed this time to know which field exactly matched my talents. After studying in Enderun Colleges, my love for entrepreneurship has increased immensely and I now know that this is the field that I am most passionate for.

Nevertheless, I would love to have the opportunity to attend a recognised institution for entrepreneurship, and that is exactly what George Washington University is. When I visited GW this past fall, I was impressed by the breadth of offerings in business and management, and I absolutely love the integration of research experience for undergraduates in the academics, not to mention my intrigue in the Dolphin Tank event. Your approach to the field with a significant emphasis on research and global education has a great appeal to me. By attending GW, I hope to deepen my knowledge and experience in entrepreneurship, and in return, gain back the love for education that I thought I had lost.

Although I am transferring for mostly academic reasons, I am also excited for a fresh start in a new environment. Washington, D.C. is filled with innovation, and I have quickly fallen in love with its atmosphere. I decided to stay in the Philippines because it was closer to home, but now I am looking forward to putting myself in a new setting with new challenges and new experiences.

As my transcript shows, I have done well in Enderun Colleges, and I am positive that I can meet the academic challenges of George Washington University. I know that the BBA with a concentration in Innovation and Entrepreneurship perfectly matches my interests and professional goals.

--

Thanks again!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 26, 2015   #6
Daisy, your essay really went on too long for a response statement. You had a number of irrelevant statements that did not apply to the prompt expectations in terms of your narrative so I felt a need to just edit the paper for you. I worked on it offline and I will be posting the 135 word response to the prompt below. Please believe me when I tell you that your response cannot get any better, nor any more informative than this. Adding anything more would just result in a prompt deviation.

I would love to have the opportunity to attend a recognised institution for entrepreneurship, and that is exactly what George Washington University is. When I visited GW this past fall, I was impressed by the breadth of academic offerings in business and management. I absolutely love the integration of research experience for undergraduates in the academics.

I am fascinated by the university's approach to the field with a significant emphasis on research and global education. I will admit that it has a great appeal to me. By attending GW, I hope to deepen my knowledge and experience in entrepreneurship.

Although I am transferring for mostly academic reasons, I am also excited for a fresh start in a new environment. Washington, D.C. is filled with innovation, and I have quickly fallen in love with its atmosphere.
OP daisylad 2 / 5 1  
Nov 27, 2015   #7
@vangiespen Thank you again for taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it. Regarding your comment, do you suggest I keep my essay short and to the point? Is there anything else I could/should talk about that will make it a more solid response? Thank you!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 27, 2015   #8
Hi Daisy, I don't really see how else we can further improve your statement at this point. It is really direct to the point and will inform the reviewer in a more accurate and precise manner. I am afraid that if we add any more information to the statement, it will just muddle the discussion and force an unwarranted revision to the current essay. In my opinion, you can already use this version of the essay.

Now, I don't want you think that I am not giving you a chance to add information to the essay that you believe can improve it further. So, if you can think of any information that you want to add because you believe it will help enhance your response to the prompt, tell me about it in your response to this thread. I'll let you know if I think we can use it or not and why.

As of now, I believe that this is the most solid response that you can deliver to the GW reviewer. By keeping your essay short and to the point, he will come to understand that you are a serious candidate for admission who does not waste time or beats around the bush. This is a character trait that should impress him quite well :-) Remember, everyone else will present lengthy essays that will test the patience of the reviewer. You have to try to make sure that you separate from the pack by offering a different type of response :-)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 27, 2015   #9
Daisy, I read through your essay, the revised one and it seemed as though you modified it only for the sake of saying you modified and

did some changes.

Now, writing is not an easy skill, it takes a lot of time and dedication to the craft ad this is why the admissions panel will give you a room to improve for.

They will pretty much realize that you are trying hard to make your essay as good as possible and
as what is asked to the prompt and this is what you have come up with.

I just hope that after this essay you will be able to dedicate a few hours of your time everyday to practice
and hone your skills in writing, and oh, read a lot, this helps enhance your vocabulary and will give you a whole lot of pool

of new words that you can use in your writing.
OP daisylad 2 / 5 1  
Nov 30, 2015   #10
Thank you for the help! If ever there's something I'd like to add to the essay, I'll post it here. :-)


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