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"MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay...


Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
This is my first draft. So, errors are bound to happen. I want to know whether the concept clicks to the reader or not. Here, I tell a story through which I try to reflect myself. Feel free to comment on it. Suggestions and criticisms are welcomed. Also tell me the parts that I can dispose off. I dont want to make it long and boring.

My own curious case

Almost eleven years back, my mom gifted me with a table-clock. With a pink and white body and arms that fluoresced at night, the clock looked perfect. Its beauty was my source of pride and its rhythmic ticking, my inspiration. Only once in a while, when the battery would be completely used up, would it bother me. We were happy together for two years till one day it stopped breathing. I bought a fresh pair of battery but still it did not come back to life. In desperation, I asked my dad to get it fixed but he replied annoyingly,

"Can't you see I am busy? Here, take mine. I will get you a new one tomorrow."

Get a new one? I was infuriated. I decided to mend it myself. Stealing my dad's tool box, I managed to open up the clock. To my dismay, inside of it was even more complicated than a human body! I started to inspect it carefully, like a cell under a microscope. Then, I tried to forcibly move its second-hand. It still did not work. I pressed the spring of the clock just to create even more trouble. Next day, I again tried different techniques. I checked the metal plates connecting the battery and moved the oscillating wheels. Nothing worked at all. Next, I borrowed my dad's table-clock and opened it up as well. I compared its inside with that of my clock. Just like a corpse alongside a living body, they looked exactly identical, except for the sound one made and the haunting silence the other possessed. Third day, in absolute despair, I took off the wheels and all the hands from their places. I then fixed them back to their positions. Without much expectation, I still connected the battery. To my surprise, I heard an abrupt sound "Tick". Then, in a perfect rhythm, the sound started to repeat "Tick, tick, tick". My clock was working!

But something weird was happening. The second-hand was moving in the opposite direction. What had I done? After five minutes, the minute-hand shifted from six to five. I thought of dismantling the whole thing again. "But what will I do if it stops working altogether?" I put on its cover and kept it gently in its precise position on my tiny table. I thought God must have had played a trick on me. In naïve revenge, I planned to trick God instead. I took my permanent marker and marked '6' in big font above '12'. Similarly, '9' of the clock became my '3' and '3' my '9'. My darling clock looked different from its peers, yet as efficient as any other of its kind in the world.

Few months before, while I was watching "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", I saw a clock in that movie which functioned exactly like mine. While that giant clock was deliberately designed to work in the reverse direction, mine was by chance. For seven years, it had served me without ever complaining. When I think of my clock, I realize that we do not just share an emotional bond, but a huge part of our identity itself. We do not give up that easily. When my clock was not working, I did not just go out and buy another one. Instead, I tried in every way to fix it. When I succeeded, it went on to live for five more years, in reverse direction, defying its very basic rule. In a way, we look quite stubborn; determined I would say. We are not the ones who perpetually freak out. No wonder why my friends and family got more worried than I when I did not enroll in any college last year.

We two share a common take on life- things may go reverse, still we move forward.
anhammond 3 / 28  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
i really like the idea!
try to capitalize more one the similarities you share with the clock in the end and cut out some of the story itself.

the revelation you made from the clock is the most important part to the admissions officers anyway.
OP Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
anne..thanks a lot. I will add a line or two at last. Also, like you said, since I am present alongside my clock througout the essay, I dont feel the need to talk about myself directly.

No other comments? I thought I'd decide on whether to use this or not keeping in mind various comments. HElp please!
swuvvy 7 / 20  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
Wow, the story is really captivating! The idea is original and I got a great sense of who you are from the essay.

Below are some edits I made:

We were happy together for two years till one day it stopped to breathebreathing .

but still it did not breathe back to life I'm not sure whether "breathe back to life" is a smooth phrase...perhaps "come back to life" would be more appropriate

but he rather replied annoyingly,annoyed, [...]

I rather decided to mend it myself.

Stealing my dad's tool box, I managed to open it up the clock . (The "it" here can be a bit confusing. When I first read it, I thought "it" referred to the tool box and that you opened up the toolbox. You should specify that you opened up the clock, rather than use "it")

First and foremost, we do not give up that easily.
gynn92 3 / 30  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
Nice essay! I especially like the comparison with the clock. The way you write your essay is rather comical than informative, which is a good thing. It keeps the readers entertained.

I would take this out : I thought God must have had played a trick on me. In revenge, I planned to trick God instead.

Some might find it offensive. But other than that, your essay is nicely written.
Good luck =)

Take a look at mine?

Thank you!
goldeneye98 2 / 32  
Dec 24, 2009   #6
Nice! I really like the allusion to Benjamin Button; that's a really good take on it. But I'd add some more about how you and the clock are alike. And you have some spelling errors... like "desperation" and "despair."

Other than that, it's golden! :)
OP Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 28, 2009   #7
I need some more constructive feedbacks please!! I will reciprocate the favor :)
justbee 3 / 9  
Dec 28, 2009   #8
Almost eleven years back, my mom gifted me with a table-clock.

Till my clock did not work, I tried in all ways to get it fixedWhen my clock wasn't working, I didn't just go out and buy another one. Instead, I tried everything I could to fix it. .

I especially like the last sentence!
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Dec 28, 2009   #9
I swear i already read this one and gave some comments, but i dont see my name, so oh well:)

Anyway, i dont like the word breathe in the first couple of lines, awkward, im sure if you really think about it then it would make sense, but an adcom wont do that. There just seems to be a better word for that, and i know your trying to establish a certain connotation w/ breathe, but i dont think you get the effect your looking for.

While you are a solid writer, i think you could come up w/ some more colorful/vivid/impactful/insert whatever word you want, phrases like I started to inspect it like a doctor dont really get a reader to think, theres nothing special to them like there needs to be if there going to be in your essay, and there are other ex's of this in your essay.

The whole idea of god is a bit risky, i know your not trying to get philosophical, but you run the risk, even though you dont talk about god for the rest of the essay the reader is prone to think that there is some greater symbolic meaning you might be getting at and thats something you want to stray away from. You can come up w/ another phrase for this other than god.

My biggest comment: This essay ends waaaay to abruptly and i dont think just adding another line or two is good enough, really when you talk about a reverse clock like this, what the reader will take from it and ultiamtely how an adcom will judge you is how you reflect on this and how it affected you, because it really varies soo much from person to person and that really is where the significance of the story lies. Your conclusions do leave something to be desired, your last line is waaay to easy, things may move in reverse but we move forward, thats the obvious ending and the other obvious ending you have is we dont give up easily. Go beyond that, you have a solid essay, a solid story, but then you just leave the reader w/ nothing, it ends so abruptly that nothing can really be made by it and in the end the significance of the story loses meaning. I know this is easier said than done but come up w/ a unique ending, something more powerful, something that will get the reader to think because i could have easily guessed your conclusion. I feel like if you make some of your story descriptions more vivid or whatever and leave the reader w/ something to think about and go deeper into your reflection, you'll have something goood. Good luck

Could you take a look at mine if you get a chance, i know i sent you two but the second one, the penn one is priority so if you only read one, thats the one to read. Thanks alot.
spacerelay 3 / 19  
Dec 28, 2009   #10
Hi,
I really like this essay. Well done!
However this line:
"So, what I did was borrow my dad's table-clock and open it up."{
is a little awkward and i feel it kinda interrupts the flow of the essay.
OP Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 31, 2009   #11
I'd love some more comments. This is my edited version. I tried to take in account everyone's comment. However, I did not want to lose my essence and so stuck to few points.

srandhawa: Thanks for your elaborate comment. But for now, I am really finding it difficult to come up with new ideas. Maybe, I ll try to do that for Jan15 deadline.
sixfoottall 3 / 17  
Dec 31, 2009   #12
wow i must say i really like the way ur essay progress. It was really interesting and very original. :) and i think your writing is really good.

Just one suggestion: I thought the ending was relatively curt and abrupt. I thought that you could expand more on the last part where your personal thoughts are written about the relationship of you and your clock.

I really like your essay! Keep it up, and thanks for commenting on mine too. Though i must say im not a good judge on application essays. All the best for you!
starkizzlers 3 / 10  
Dec 31, 2009   #13
I really enjoyed your essay. It was creative, and it really gave a sense of not only your personality but also the way you approach problems and think. You already have replies concerning grammatical errors, etc, so I wont bother with all that jazz, but I do wish you the best of luck!

If anyone has spare time, any suggestions/criticism on my nyu supplements would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!


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