can post my fixed essay again
Yes!
I'll take a look now, too.
The immeasurable cultures and ethnicity of Rutgers University not only creates a more diverse educational experience, but also defines a proficient community.
I don't think this really means anything! Don't start with a complex sentence that does not mean anything. What is it to "define" a "proficient community"? Let me look for the wisdom in this essay...
I found it!----" One good turn deserves another." This phrase was embedded into my mind at a early age, as a result I made it a part of my responsibility to volunteering back to my community that nurtured me and provided my education. -----Let's make this the intro sentence! Do not get rid of the stuff that comes before this, but instead condense it into a sentence of explanation taht you can put right after this great sentence above.
Here is a sentence fragment:
Anything from donating cloths, to canned goods or even something simple as planting a tree in a park was helpful to the community.
Do this:
A good turn can consist of anything from donating....
Okay, so that is my advice! Make this wise saying -- one good turn deserves another -- into your theme. Get rid of that first sentence. And use paragraphs! Are there no paragraphs here, or does it just seem that way in the post? If you do not already use paragraphs, google this:
how to write good paragraphs.
:-)