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"my own Indian heritage" - My Rutgers about it vibrant community and culture,etc


notorious1 1 / 1  
Oct 17, 2010   #1
Rutgers essay

I would appreciate if someone could make this shorter to 3800 characters n give me some input on what i should change any sentence structures or new thoughts or maybe take something out entirely. I dont know how many characters there r exactly because processor only tells me word count which is 583 words which may or may not be over the 3800 character limit.

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

The immeasurable cultures and ethnicity of Rutgers University not only creates a more diverse educational experience, but also defines a proficient community. My insurance relating to the broad culture of the University consists of my own Indian heritage which would greatly supplement the culture found at Rutgers University; in which I hope to spread the different ethnic cuisine, dances and music while simultaneously quelling my own ardor for other cultures, divergent cuisines and languages through the atmosphere at Rutgers. I never had any experience with other cultures due to living in a community consisting of only Indians; my cultural knowledge was very limited that was until I was enrolled in grammar school. I recall a fairly large class of twenty-five students which contained knowledge of over seven different languages and cultures from every corner of the world. My class was no different from a world map with all of us inputting our own little innocent stories of our home country or simply how our lifestyle is at home; listening to these conversations was similar to taking a flight around the world within a matter of minutes. This experience with cultural backgrounds from long ago has left no cloud of doubt in my mind that I desire Rutgers University to be my first-choice of school. " One good turn deserves another." This phrase was embedded into my mind at a early age, as a result I made it a part of my responsibility to volunteering back to my community that nurtured me and provided my education. Anything from donating cloths, to canned goods or even something simple as planting a tree in a park was helpful to the community. I was inspired by the Uncultured Project which is one man's vision of ending poverty by using the power of Youtube to donate to countries around the globe. During one of my travels to India I decided to volunteer at a food bank and I felt this feeling of fulfillment regardless if it counted as community service or not. It had given me a new outlook on my hectic life and divert some of my attention to the less fortunate. I was always a curious individual; having the passion of wanting to know why and how things worked like they did. At the age of five I would destroy or for a lack of better word "reverse engineer" my toy cars to find out why the car moves on its own? Or how does remote give the signal to the car? Can I make it go faster? I farther evolved on my curiosity when I join the Applied Technology Magnet in High School, which proved quite beneficial to learning the concepts of engineering. Which is why I wish to advance in my studies by enrolling in Rutgers's noble Engineering Program and joining the Environmental Science and engineering club. I would on every occasion read an article about students in Universities nationwide achieving a goal in designing a more fuel efficient car than what is available on the market today or even something as simple as designing a house as cuts greenhouse emissions. Its time I stop reading and start participating in these projects and bring glory to my college. Rutgers gives me the best opportunity to advance on a more "hands on " educational experience while setting my career on a firm instructive basis . I plan to join and depart as a member of society with a capacity for moral decisions with progressive education.
AMazz 3 / 6  
Oct 18, 2010   #2
The word count is 583; there are 3,348 characters (with spaces) so you should be OK.

You have a few VERY long sentences. Break them into 2 or more and/or review your punctuation. You will also need to break this down into several paragraphs. Here are a few other comments. Good luck.

This phrase was embedded into my mind at an early age

At the age of five, I would destroy, or for a lack of a better word "reverse engineer"

I was always a curious individual; having the passion of wanting to know why and how things worked likeas they did.

It had given me a new outlook on my hectic life and diverted some of my attention to the less fortunate.

This phrase was embedded into my mind at a early age,.aA s a result, I made it a part of my responsibility...

During one of my travels to India, I decided...

OrhH ow does the remote give the signal to the car?

WhichThis is why I wish to advance in my studies...
OP notorious1 1 / 1  
Oct 18, 2010   #3
Thanks for the help, ill fix it right away btw i can post my fixed essay again right just to make sure ? and considering i fix the mistakes what was your review on the essay? and also the mistakes you helped fix , were they the only ones?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 21, 2010   #4
can post my fixed essay again

Yes!

I'll take a look now, too.

The immeasurable cultures and ethnicity of Rutgers University not only creates a more diverse educational experience, but also defines a proficient community.

I don't think this really means anything! Don't start with a complex sentence that does not mean anything. What is it to "define" a "proficient community"? Let me look for the wisdom in this essay...

I found it!----" One good turn deserves another." This phrase was embedded into my mind at a early age, as a result I made it a part of my responsibility to volunteering back to my community that nurtured me and provided my education. -----Let's make this the intro sentence! Do not get rid of the stuff that comes before this, but instead condense it into a sentence of explanation taht you can put right after this great sentence above.

Here is a sentence fragment:
Anything from donating cloths, to canned goods or even something simple as planting a tree in a park was helpful to the community.
Do this:
A good turn can consist of anything from donating....

Okay, so that is my advice! Make this wise saying -- one good turn deserves another -- into your theme. Get rid of that first sentence. And use paragraphs! Are there no paragraphs here, or does it just seem that way in the post? If you do not already use paragraphs, google this:

how to write good paragraphs.

:-)


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