I read a book called "Forever" by Judy Blume in middle school. There was a statement that stuck with me, "Fuck isn't a bad word, hate and war are bad words." I didn't understand it when I was younger because I knew I would get in trouble for cursing "fuck" out loud but I would never get in trouble for saying "hate" or "war" out loud. Now that I'm older, I've learned the true meanings of the words and I agree with the statement. War. Hate. They are certainly not good things. People go through hell because of these two words. For me, the war I had was never-ending. I thought the keys for survival were to let go and surrender. My own personal battle started when I was younger. I wasn't unhappy and didn't want the life I had; I wished for more and better. I questioned faith to why it gave me this life? Why did I have to be Michelle? My parents love me but they had funny ways of showing it. I was the oldest of three and already mature for my age by seven. I lived the life as a third parent. My parents already had high expectations for me and I felt the pressure. I wanted to escape from the life I had and a way of doing this was secretly pretending to be other people and that I had their life.
The earliest memory of this was after watching a Disney movie called "Zenon." It's about an alien moving to Earth because she was got into trouble at home in outer space so her parents "grounded" her, meaning making to Earth. I remember a specific scene where Zenon didn't know what an apple was. It was fascinating for me because it was odd. I would watch the movie over and over and the next day, I started to pretend that I was like Zenon. It made my life more interesting to wake up one day and just pretend that I was "grounded" and didn't know anything on the planet Earth! It did work for a bit but it got boring.
As I got older, I started to mirror my friends. I imitated their laugh, words, and facial expressions. It gotten intense to the point I started thinking like them. I wanted to be like my friends. Whenever a tough situation for me appeared in my life, I would think..."What would Linda do?" and then I would, in my fullest potential, to do whatever I think she would have done. This kept going on for a few years until I finally got a wake up call. I've come to realize that I was a combination of everyone I knew and I suddenly didn't know who I was and felt like a duplicate. I was so far from my own reality that I've abandoned my life. I wasn't involved with my family when I should've been. This is my biggest regret. I grew up being a bad daughter and older sister since I was too caught up in my fantasy world. I reminisced my past and realized I've wasted my time pretending. This realization made me depressed because I didn't know who I was and lost my childhood trying to be others when I could've been myself. If I've had been myself from the start then I would've known who I was earlier in my life. I wanted to rewind and go back to the younger Michelle, the one that wished to be someone else and didn't want her life. I wished someone had told me that I was beautiful the way I was and not to be ashamed to express it.
This is a very personal experience for me because it is a huge impact which given me a new outlook on life. I've accepted who I am today, my past, and don't want to waste another minute trying to be someone I'm not. I'm fighting for individuality, the opportunity to show people who I am, and what I'm capable of. I used to be so weak and so timid. What I've learned in this experience is to fight for myself, to never give up, and always move forward. Before the war was entirely about me versus me. I hated myself and I wanted myself to die. I was consistently fighting with myself. Now, it's me versus the world because I am fighting for myself now. I'm not fighting against myself anymore. That war has ended because I saved myself.
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I know it is long but that's what I need help with! I don't know what I should cut out or be more specific and detailed about. Anyway, thanks for reading!
Sorry I forgot to include this: Prompt #2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Thanks
""grounded" her, meaning making to Earth"
Sentence incomplete?
I am curious as to how your intro will hit the readers. I'm sure it'll grab their attention but I hope you're praying for a more liberal reader.
Overall, the essay seems a bit vague and unclear. Never mind the how it's a bit generic, it seems a bit rebellious, something colleges take offensively. Sure they're looking for outgoing and different individuals, but giving that vibe of rebellion in an essay might seem negative.
My opinion, I suggest not putting any questions in your essay. Evaluators aren't really into reading questions even if it sounds rhetorical because they don't know you well enough to answer them anyhow.
i agree with pokiworms.... liberal reader might love the essay but other i dont really know...
pokiworms
Can you be more specific in how it's rebellious? Should I tone down the emotions a bit and keep it PG? Like I shouldn't curse??? Is that the rebellious part you're talking about? And what parts are unclear to you??
Quotations in your essay aren't a good idea in general.
Yes, the essay does give a slight...rebellious taste in one's mouth after reading it. While I don't know exactly this experience you've gone through, I have been at a place in my life where I didn't know who I was, and I just copied my friends. I'm pretty sure everyone has these moments sometime in their life. I also don't think "war" and/or "hate" is a good word to use. No matter how you put it, both of them are negative words. I'm not saying your essay should be ecstasy-like happy, but it shouldn't come off as so rebellious/negative. It's great to stick out, but you don't want to stick out with the words "war" and "hate".
I know it's a bit negative but what I'm going for is at the end, is to make it positive, which I thought it was. Are you suggesting I change the entire idea of the prompt and write about something else? I thought the last paragraph is very positive. Thanks all for the feedback, by the way. I appreciate it!
No, I don't think you need to change the whole prompt (although that is entirely up to you). There are a lot of things you could submit for these UC essays, and chances are that they've heard them all, so any story you give may be a bit generic. However, by putting your own personality into it, it can be made into a amazing, and original piece. The best way to tell people about yourself is by what you feel inside, and this essay does a great job with that.
The last paragraph of the essay is definitely positive, and I can see how you transitioned from negative to positive. It's just that the beginning is so negative, you still kind of feel it even after you're done reading it. Maybe you should try to slightly tone down the negativity at the beginning, just a little bit!
I'm not sure about the curse words, as some people are okay with it, and others may find it extremely offensive. Then again, you're not using them in an offensive way, so you may be in the clear. You should ask your teachers and see what they think of the usage to be sure.
Otherwise, fantastic essay, and I wish you the best of luck!
This is just my own opinion, but I don't think you should use the word "fuck." Colleges may find it offensive and immature. I see this more as a rant essay than a "Look at me and how special I am!" essay.
And quotations aren't suggested, as you are only putting YOUR thoughts and reasons, not what someone else said.
This experience is really strong, but it doesn't really relate with what you want to do in the future and why the UCs should accept you. Not to be mean, but everyone is going through a "me vs the world" battle.
Maybe you can talk about what you're going to major in and say how that made you become the person you are today.
Wow, thank you for all your opinions. I've definitely taken all of them in my thoughts and changed a lot of my essay. If you can, please read the revised version and leave me some feedback. I've definitely taken out all of the curse words and quotations, just so it doesn't sound so negative. Also I'm concerned if it's a bad idea to write in second person and address to the reader?? Because I say "you" a lot. Also, I'm using the word "war" as a metaphor...Anyway, I've posted both of the prompts onto this entry because I forgot to add it and figured I'd need help with both prompts. Thank you all for helping me!
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Prompt #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field--such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in organizations and activities--and what you have gained from your involvement.
The day I declared Psychology as my major, everything felt rightfully at peace. When I transferred to a new high school in 2006, my friends recommended AP Psychology. I didn't have a clear idea of psychology before but I took it because it seemed interesting. I registered for the class during my senior year and it was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Not only did I have a fun and educated teacher but I also found it as one of my favorite classes because there was never a dull moment. I was fed with extraordinary information on a daily basis about the explanations of the human mind. I envisioned myself in the field of psychology in the near future. I've never had any official experience in psychology but I apply it to my everyday life by relating theories and the ideas into my thoughts. For example, there was a time when I had social anxiety and in class, I learned that if I recognize my anxiety and try to suppress it by forcing myself to think happy thoughts, everything would get better. I enjoy thinking psychologically and reading anything associated with the study of the mind. Thanks to my Psychology class and teacher, I've gained the knowledge to view situations and ideas at an angle as a researcher and an observer. I also learned from my psychology class and psychological observations from my everyday life is to have an open mind in other people's feelings and perspectives. I've gathered a skill to comprehend more flexible and to analyze for attainable solutions from the discipline of Psychology. Earlier in the year, I changed my major to art history because I was confused and curious whether which would make me happier. But after taking art history classes, I figured it wasn't me. With full confidence, I switched it back to Psychology. That experience helped me realize how positive I am about Psychology as my major. I am completely comfortable with it and I strongly imagine myself in therapy and helping people through their tough times and struggles as well as the field of Psychology has helped me.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I read a book in middle school and a statement stuck with me; it stated that war is a bad word. I didn't understand because I never got in trouble for saying war aloud. Now that I'm older, I've learned the true meaning of the word. For me, the war I had was never-ending. I thought the keys for survival were to let go and surrender. My personal battle started when I was younger. I was unhappy with my life and wished for more. My parents love me but they had funny ways of showing it. I am the oldest of three and was mature for my age by seven. I lived the life as a third parent. My parents already had high expectations and I felt the pressure. I wanted to escape from my life and a way of doing this was secretly pretending to be other people and that I had their life.
The earliest memory was after watching a movie about an alien leaving to Earth because she got into trouble at home in outer space. It was fascinating for me because it was odd and adventurous. I would watch the movie over and over and the next day, I acted like I was her. It made life more interesting to wake up one day and act that I was from outer space! As I got older, I started to unconsciously mirror my friends. I imitated their actions. It got intense to the point I began thinking like them. Whenever a tough situation appeared in my life, I would think about what they'd do in the position rather than what I would've done and in my fullest potential, do whatever they'd have done even though I didn't support it. This kept going on for a few years until I finally got a wake up call. I've realized that I was a combination of everyone I knew and I suddenly didn't know who I was and felt like a duplicate. I was so far from my reality that I've abandoned my life and family. I wasn't involved when I should've been and this is my biggest regret. I reminisced my past and it grasped to me on how much I've wasted my time pretending. This awareness made me depressed because I didn't know who I was and lost my childhood trying to be others when I could've been myself. I wanted to rewind and go back to the old Michelle. I wished someone told me that I was beautiful and not to be ashamed the way I was and taught me that the way of life is to always progress.
This is a personal experience because it is a huge influence, which given me a new perspective and meaning of life. I've accepted who I am today, my past, and don't want to waste another second trying to be someone I'm not. I'm now seeking individuality and the opportunity to blossom to the person I am aspiring to be, which is someone strong and passionate about what she loves to do. I used to be so weak and timid. What I've learned in this lesson is to always move forward and to believe. Before I was my own worst enemy. I was consistently conflicting and fighting against myself. That war is over because in the end, I saved myself and rebirth to a whole new healthy living me.
I don't see what you mean by saying "you" a lot. All I see are a lot of "I"s, which is good!!
I really enjoyed your first prompt. I feel that it answered the question well, and...well I can't really provide much more feedback then that. Your first prompt is different than the one I have haha.
Your second prompt though, is really good now. Even without the curse words, it still retains it's power and intensity. Your personality flows very well with it.
I would change a few parts in the last paragraph though.
This is a personal experience because it is a huge influence, which given me a new perspective and meaning of life.
This kind of sounds generic. This sentence basically repeats the question of this prompt, and is somewhat un-needed.
That war is over because in the end, I saved myself and rebirth to a whole new healthy living me.
Pretty sure that's not a proper use of the word. Rebirth is a noun. I would suggest using something different there, such as "That war is over because in the end, I saved myself and was reborn into a whole new healthy living me"
Even then, that may require more work because "whole new healthy living me" might sound a bit out of place.
Those are just my suggestions though. I hope I haven't answered too late, but even then, I wish you good luck on your applications!
Thanks for your feedback, solid penguin! I too thought the last paragraph needed help with the second prompt. I hope you the best of luck with your applications too :)
