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the Pacific Ocean, Describe a personal event- common app


jeovanshadow 2 / 5  
Dec 22, 2009   #1
Hello friends, I'm atempting to answer the stanford suplement short answer that asks to describe an extracurricular or personal event in less than 150 words.

I would really like some feed back. I'm not really sure what i'm doing.

A sense of unbridled freedom besieged me as I greeted the Pacific Ocean for the first time my freshman year. Gazing at the grand seascape, only the sound of rocking waves, splashing with the rhythm of my heart beat, echoed in my ears; no fights, no ridicule, and no stress. At that moment, my mind was free to embrace the beauty of nature. Every creature, from the rigid coral reef to the playful dolphins, added splendor to the world before me. But as the brigantine began to turn, the city came into view. I lay aloft the mast until I had a clear view of the city. Polluted as it was, I realized there was life in it too; life that enriches the beauty of my world. Step by step I climbed down, ready to anchor the ship.
Monkey66 - / 9  
Dec 22, 2009   #2
I'm guessing that you mean the 150 word short answer of the common app about an extracurricular. Basically, just that describe an extracurricular.

It's a good start. Vivid descriptions and the sea is just such a powerful topic. You might want to add a little more about sailing, just to emphasize your passion and commitment to it.
OP jeovanshadow 2 / 5  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
Yes that is the one I am reffering to.
Thank you for your suggestions "monkey66". I have taken your advise and practically rewrote the entire piece. I wasn't sure if the reader understood what I got from it. So hopefully this does a better job at doing that. What do you think?

If there's anything i can help you with, please feel free to ask.

I greeted the Pacific Ocean for the first time my freshman year aboard the Exy Johnson brigantine. Coiling ropes with callused hands, I gazed at the grand seascape before me as a sense of discovery spawned in me. Throughout my membership with the Los Angeles Maritime Institute Topsail Club, I devoted my efforts to learning new skills inside and outside of the classroom. In the process, I developed leadership skills and a strong work ethic. Three years later, as I revisit the Pacific Ocean with Topsail, I find the scenery intact; everything but me. Where there once stood a young admirer, now stands a person in charge of his future. Throughout the course of three years, I have journeyed from a curious boy, to a strong leader. I continue to develop my leadership abilities today, and hope to use them in new and challenging environments ahead.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 24, 2009   #4
Here is an idea I had:
A sense of unbridled freedom besieged me as I was greeted by the Pacific Ocean for the first time during my freshman year.
Or the active voice:
A sense of unbridled freedom besieged me as I greeted the Pacific Ocean greeted me for the first time my freshman year.

As you compare those options for the first sentence, enjoy the rhythm of written expression.

Hey, you have a great way with words. This is very good!
autumnwave 11 / 35  
Dec 25, 2009   #5
I'm still bad at English therefore I couldn't help you improve vocabulary.
But through the paragraph, I feel you are sensitive and romantic. I think you have gift of writing.

A sense of unbridled freedom besieged me as I greeted the Pacific Ocean for the first time [hr]my freshman year.
Polluted as it was, I realized there was life in it too; life that enriches the beauty of my world- I think you revise this sentence because it's difficult to understand. In the eyes of me, I think I should write: Polluted as city was, it still enriched the beauty of my world

Have a good time.


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