AT THE 217TH PAGE, ANOTHER CHANCE BEGUN.-PENN U SUPPLEMENT ESSAY

I understand how silly it is for me to post this only today and this is my first draft believe me or not. Why? Read the essay you will understand.

Please comment, I will return your favor.
Thanks
TOPIC: You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

"Forget it." He put down his half-smoked cigarette and headed out of the room, waving the shape of the letter 'L' with his fingers - "Loser". I remained frozen on the edge of my chair, staring at the college list, wondering what had gone wrong? Just yesterday, I thought that I knew what I was doing. The truth was I had seen nothing yet. Closing my eyes, I realized that, only two weeks before my university deadlines, my chances happened to be thinner than a spider's thread.

"Yeah, life is unfair. But isn't it a good thing? You can govern it your way, but don't ever forget the price you will have to pay for your actions", said my father. I hated to admit it, but my old man was right. I had miscalculated the costs this time. You have seen me. Throughout my high school years, my head was all about planning. I had got mired in endless competitions. I struggled but I won. Now, I had fallen. When people said I had to choose between my A Levels and the SAT, I thought they were trying to provoke me. Was there anything I could not do? So I assumed. I never had enough time for both, but then I made time. I raced at school so I would have a few hours after mid-night to at least absorb some SAT vocabulary and skim through reading passages. My confidence told me that I should be fine. Yes, everything was 'under control' until I realized my exam schedule. Only one day after my SAT test, it would be the start of semester exam week. My solution? More coffee, less sleep. Suffering constant stress, my attitude became worse than that of the grumpy lady in our school office. I could hardly involve in the activities I usually take part in.But if that was all it took, I would be more than willing.

December 4th , 2009, eighteen more hours till my SAT, my eye lids hardly moved. My whole body turned hot, but not with energy. I had a fever, but at the back of my head, I was thinking about Physics formulae. The next morning, I missed many questions in the Critical Reading section as I had to lay my head on the table every so often. My exam week was more or less of the same bad luck. As I walked back home after my last test, I could flaming tear burning my cheeks. It was not bad luck, it was my complacency. I guess failure teaches me more effectively than glory.

"If I were you, I would remove University of Penn from your list. You lost it, dear". As I digested every word of my sister, I slowly deleted my ultimate goal from the common application. You don't believe it? Yes, I did it with my own fingers and my head was completely sane.

As I passed over the playground, a soccer ball flew in my direction. As I kicked it hard, a voice chimed: "I thought you'd forgotten how to shoot already!" Standing only a few feet away, my friend peered directly at me: " You are a loser, only for letting yourself down..." Before letting him finish his sentence, with adrenalin racing through my veins impulsively, I ran, not away from the reality of his words, but this time, back to face it.

"Friday, 1/1/2010", I read on my calendar, less than eight hours to go till the gate would be closed forever. My diary was opened to the page when I first entered grade six; it said: "Today, the girl next to me asked if I am dumb. She called me stupid and everybody laughed. I will show them who is stupid." The little girl's voice ran inside my head. It was neither my score nor my misstep that proved I did not deserve University of Penn, it was the fact that I had lost my belief in it.

With the common application website on my screen, a blank Microsoft word page in front of me,I began.
Another journey, so it said.

revise sentence..


actually say tears..

I liked your essay ,it gives a glimpse of ... NOW, which is really cool. It shows your personality also :)

Can you check out my NYU paragraph at the end of the thread:

and maybe read my common app to tell me what you think :)

OMG! THAT BAD? LIKE 1900! VERY BAD! I KNOW! I NEVER STUDIED SAT BEFORE BECAUSE I STUDY IN THE UK SYSTEM. I HARDLY KNEW OF IT UNTIL..IT BECAME TOO LATE. ACTUALLY, I DID NOT PLAN TO GO TO THE USA. BUT YEAH, I CHANGED MY MIND.

NOT REALLY 8 HOURS, I HOPE. Otherwise I still have a whole compulsory essay to make.

Thank alot for your help

there's no fun if there's no risk...

Really? I thought this essay is random. Because I don't know if they would be interested in someone who tries to apply in the very last minute. But thanks :)

rapoch basically covered all the grammar mistakes.

What I thought was weird was, you really think UPenn would accept a "procrastinator?" That's just my opinion. It would have been better if you told the story within an earlier date. Otherwise, the whole thing was written really well, I've got to admit- even for a first draft.

I understand that as well. That is also my concern, as you correctly phrase it: "a procrastinator".

However, it is just the truth of what happened. I really want to move the date but if I did, it lost the impulsion.

Thank a lot for your comment.

I really like this essay because it shows your perserverance. Now, if you're worried about coming off an a procrastinator, then you can just say "I looked at my calendar, I only had a limited amount of time till the gate would be closed" and therefore, the readers won't know how late you actually began the app. lol

I'll see if there is anything else that stand out, but I liked it overall!
Can you check my revision please, thank you!

@Stars11: already check for you ;)
Thanks.

Hey Vanessa,
I think this is a very creative essay. Good job !!!
Plan to fix some grammars and stuff but seems like other already did
Not sure what else to advise you ... just think it is a good essay . Tone of voice is not too dramatic or pathetic. It shows your spirit

Thanks :)

...waving an L letter with his fingers-"loser".
...wondering what has gone wrong? Just yesterday, I thought that I knew what I was doing.
...my chances appeared to be thinner than spider's threads.

...pay for your actions, " said my father.
You have seen meWho? the reader has? .
I strived after what? and I won.
When people said I had to choose between my A level and the SAT...
...raced at school so I would have a few hours after midnight to at least absorb in some SAT vocabulary and skim through reading passages.

Yes, everything was 'under control,' until I realized my exam schedule.

"If I were you, I would now startremovethe University of Pennsylvaniaof outfrom the list. You lost it, dear." As I digested the words of my sister, I deleted...

Before letting him finished his sentence, I ran...

...that proved I did not deserve UPenn , it was the fact that I lost my belief for it.

The common application website on my screen, a blank Microsoft word page open , I started.

OK, I think I got all the errors. Otherwise, it's good - I especially enjoyed the last two paragraphs and the conclusion. For a while, I thought it didn't have an overall message, but you incorporated one at the end.