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page 217 of your 300-page autobiography. (holland memories)

jennyz 6 / 18  
Oct 3, 2009   #1
please correct this and tell me what you think.
i'm trying to expose some of me and who i am.

here it is:

I lived in Europe for a while. It was in the suburban area of Holland the Netherlands. I was young then and my memories from that time are now vivid. To me, those memories are like a mosaic puzzle. I can't particularly pin point the story of every little piece, but the general big picture is there. Luckily, photographs exist, and each of those photos is a piece of the puzzle and a clue to my nostalgic mystery that's been covered up exceptionally well by time.

For some reason, this one photo reminded me of a certain event. It was a picture of me running on a snow covered road. I had wore red shoes, red pants, a big red hat, and an oversized brown sweater. It had been a very cold winter that year. So cold that the rivers froze thick enough to skate on. So on one of the cold winter days, my parents took me skating on the river. The picture was of me on my way there. I remember my parents putting on white skates, and putting me on a platform. They skated around while dragging the platform. It was such a fun time, and I remember not wanting to leave when the day started to get dark.

Perhaps this is nothing special to some people, but to me, it's worth more than gold. Every memory of Holland that I can find is precious. Someday, I will revisit Holland, and perhaps more memories will find its way back to me. For now, I will have to rely on the pictures. Even though I wasn't born there, Holland, to me, is my hometown, and some of the best days of my youth were spent there.

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 4, 2009   #2
Your sentence structures tend to be all the same, short and staccato, and you rely heavily on weak verbs. This makes your essay seem too simplistic. Worse the essay doesn't really demonstrate any particularly good quality about you. So, start over, this time focusing on a narrative anecdote that says something good about you. As you write, try to vary your sentence structure, and use the strongest verbs you can think of.
OP jennyz 6 / 18  
Oct 11, 2009   #3
it's not holland memory anymore but a game of volleyball
i rewrote the essay all over again
is this one any better?

My neighborhood is one of those small close-nit communities that always have 3 or 4 kids outside playing basketball or street hockey or has a little girl screaming running pass my window. Everyone knew everyone's names and where they each lived.

One time, the house across the street from us had a volleyball game. They started out with 4 people playing. Then a couple more people walking their dogs saw and jointed, including me. Slowly, the game started to get heated and competitive. As we played, us and the dogs yelling attracted the neighbors, and more people came to join in. After a while, there were about 20 people on each side playing the game. people as young as 7 were there, and grandparents were there too. Someone suggested that we play a tournament since we had enough people. So we separated into teams. There was a kids team, a parents team, grandparents team, and of course, a teens team, with me included.

First game was grandparents against kids. The grandparents were confident and said"Give the young'ns some advantage." So we lower the net and gave them 3 points lead. Everyone thought the grandparents would win anyway, but the elementary kids won 15 to 8. They huddled together and screamed with happiness. One little boy turned around, with both arms swinging straight back, yelled "Ha! We won!" everyone laughed at his dramatic facial expression.

Next up is us teens against the parents. I was confident that we could win, since we are strong healthy high schoolers in the best years of our lives. We started the game winning with 8 to 3, then the adults started gaining, and we tied at 9 points. It was Jake's turn to serve. Everyone on our team went "oh man." because he was one of the younger boys of our team. Stuck in middle school, he didn't want to join the elementary kids, so I invited him to our team. Instead of the traditional way of serving the ball, he kicked the ball high with his knees then batted it over the net like a baseball. It was one of those unbelievable moments that everyone forgets everything and just stares. That's how we won our 10th point. The game went on, and we tied again at 14 points. We took a rest and someone suggested that we integrate teams to play the next 2 points. The grandparents joins us, and the kids joined the parents. Which ever team gets the next 2 points wins.

The little boy who yelled "ha" taunted us by singing his newly made "winner song". we sang back with our "champion song". The game started, and the heat is on. I spiked the ball over the net, and someone was about to get the ball, but ended up missing it because a dog came loose and ran onto the court tripping him. My team cheered and thanked Cinnamon for helping out. I didn't think it was fair. So I talked with my team and we agreed to cancel the point. In the end, the parents and the kids' team won. Although I was disappointed that we didn't win, it was still a really fun game. The little boy who taunted us came back and sang his "winner song" again. Everyone took a rest and ended the day as it was getting dark. This game of volleyball was one of my fondest memory of my neighborhood.

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