"A page from my diary - November 2062" - Jacobs University(Germany) Suppl. Essay

Hi, guys!
I'm applying to Jacobs University in Bremen, Germany. This is the supplement essay that the required. Here's the topic :

Please fill the space below with something that you find especially interesting or important. This may be a written text, a drawing, a graphic or photographic image, a poem, a collage, or whatever you would like.

November 22, 2062

The streets were wider than I remember them to be, but the heavy flux of automated vehicles and pedestrians made the difference less profound. It had been a long time since I walked those roads...

We both kept walking; I could hardly keep up with his sporadically energetic gait.

"Are we there yet? You told me it was just a short walk. I really hungry!" he said.

I looked at him with amusement. It was an unusually cold winter evening, yet Anshuman behaved as though we were just at strolling by the beach while I was feeling as though the chill would freeze the air in my lungs! How I envy his youth and innocence.

I bought him a pack of M'n'M Mooncandies and we continued to walk. I wondered if it would still be there. It seemed like an eternity had passed since I had last seen the place. Everything about the place had changed. Empty plots and shaded, old bungalows had now given rise to commercial buildings. We took a turn and entered the older residential block. It was relatively unchanged as compared to the rest of the area. And then I saw it, just the same as it had been. The building brought a feeling of nostalgia and reminded me of some very pleasant memories I had there.

"Is this the place you told me about Granpa?" asked Anshuman.

Yes, it was. After so many years, returning to that place was like making a pilgrimage. It was my dance school - the place that formed a focal part of my life while growing up.

"It looks so old! What do they do here now?" he questioned and broke my trance.

I wondered the same, but did it matter? It is irrelevant for what purpose the building is used now. But to me, it still is my dance school. I can still recall all the times I hurt myself trying to learn and perfect endless number of complex dance routines; the times my teacher scolded me for being late for recital practices; the invaluable friendships I cultivated there; the instances of stress when I earnestly looked forward to spending time at the studio to soothe my mind and all the little moments of joy that made growing up a much more pleasant experience for me. Even in moments of despair, it was the only place I found solace and hope.

There are some things in life that are transitory and go by without making a difference to us, but then there are some that alter our lives and define us as people. The six years I spent in the dance school have been one of the defining phases of my life. It was the place that taught me to love to dance and to live through my dance. Emotion is the thing that separates dance from movement and this was where I learnt to communicate in a way that transcends mere words. In the confines of the studio my spirit defied the rules of gravity and space. It drove my body across the room and allowed me to achieve much through my dance and brought me unsurpassable joy.

But most importantly, it wasn't just within the periphery of this building that I learnt to let myself be uninhibited. Dance itself allowed me to effuse the joy I felt while dancing to all aspects of my life. Just like stumbling, falling and injuries are part of being a dancer, setbacks and adversities are a part of life. Only through dance could I correlate such concepts and work to achieve positive results. Dancing gave me much more than happiness; it taught me to be disciplined, to be persevering, to believe in myself and more importantly to love something passionately. Even though it has been about fifty years since I last danced in my dance school, all the fond memories I gained there are as vivid as a palette full of vibrant colours...

"Granpa! You've been staring at the building for more than 10 minutes! Are you alright?!" Anshuman said, looking at me with his curious eyes.

"Sorry dear, I was just recalling some memories. It's been so long."

"Did you have fun here?"

"More than just fun my child. It's something that I will cherish all my life."

"I find it hard to imagine you could dance! You've always been so old and had white hair!"

"Who said I'm old? You think I can't race you home?"

"Are you kidding me?" asked Anshuman with surprise.

"Try to beat me if you can!"

And we both walked on....

Thank you for reading, I'm going to add a small picture collage after the essay.
What do think about the idea? I am open to any suggestions. Does it fit the topic? Please correct me on grammar wherever required and if there is something excess ofr unnecessary please help me edit it. :) THANKS again!

Great work man, I love the 'mooncandies' :D and the last conversation. But you sure about your grandkid's name? Not that it is a problem. You have to use some name. And I really love the transition from paragraphs to conversation. It works very well.

Hey thanks a lot for reading!
Haha, no I don't think that's going to be my grandkid's name, but I had to use some name.... Any other suggestions for that? ;)

Nope, the name is fine as it is. And your essay is really very good.

Hi, could anybody else give me some constructive criticism? :) Thanks!

Needs 'am?' Unless you're purposely trying to sound like a young child is talking, which is creative!


Needs a comma after about.

You're a talented writer! I find myself intrigued and wanting to know where you're gonna go next with your story.

The missing 'am' was a typo. Haha, but if it sounds better like that then why not? ;)

hehe, I should recheck all my direct speech parts for errors! :o :P

Thanks a lot for reading! :)

You write very well. It's as if your story s the beginning of a book. There are a few minor corrections though (mostly on the technical side).


There's a rue of three when it comes to using an ellipsis. It's also required, for some reason established by the MLA, to put a space before each dot, so it should be "roads . . ." That also applies to:



I think that the sentence isn't parallel because the first item consists of an adjective and a noun while the second item consists of just a noun (unless the pedestrians are automated which I think is possible since the setting is 2062) , so I think it should, maybe, look something like this "automated vehicles and busy pedestrians . . ." That also goes for:


You could try "The building brought a feeling of nostalgia and reminiscence." Just a suggestion.


You could also try "There are some things in life that are transitory and ephemeral . . ."


Here, I'm not sure if this makes it parallel, but you could try "stumbling, falling and injuring myself . . ."


I think you should rephrase this sentence 'cause it sounds a little awkward to me. (It could just be me though. It's best to get a second opinion)

You also forgot to put commas before some of the coordinating conjunctions that connect two independent clauses.



Lastly, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think you're missing the commas that come before the conjunction that connects three or more items (Oxford/serial comma)

Ex.


There should be a comma before "and" here.

Sorry if it seems like I'm nitpicking. I hope these are valid, and I hope these help. :D I really liked the story though. You connected the plot to your life very well.

Oh wow, thanks Miguel! You pointed out some all the grammar errors I wouldn't have noticed perhaps. :) I'm glad you liked reading the story.

Any more last minute help anybody please? It would be much appreciated..

Moderators? Anybody? I could use any help or advice. Thanks!

I am not familiar with German supplements so i can't advise you as whether you should include the picture collage...Although i am curious as to what u are going to show in the picture?? Dancing pictures??

Awesome writing once again...you have a real gift for taking readers into your mind acquainting them with your thoughts and views so that by the time they are finished reading,they probably have a clear picture of your personality...I envy this ability of yours.... great job and GOOD LUCK....

Yeah,im also not conversant with German supplements but i think you essay has addressed the question.The questions you posed in the essay adds to the reality of it.Well done and all the best.

Hey great job on the essay! It really flows smoothly from para to para. You are a great writer. I quite like it the way it is so i can't really find anything for you to improve on. Btw, I'm applying to Jacobs too! Hopefully we both get in! =)