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'The pain is temporary' - David's United States Naval Academy Personal Statement Essay


davidsrosario0 1 / 4 1  
Jul 17, 2015   #1
In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:

(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and

(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

I just wrote this essay and I would really appreciate honest and helpful feedback. I want to make this essay the best it can be! Thanks!

I grew up with parents that encouraged me to strive for the best and not settle for anything else. Whether it was grades or sports, they always taught me to do my best. My father was always telling me about his experiences in South Korea with the army. He showed me that the military is a great place to start out one's adult life. When I was younger, I went on camping trips with the Cub Scouts and when I was old enough, I became a Boy Scout. I became a Patrol Leader and took a course called National Youth Leadership Training, which taught me how to effectively lead and teach. My parents as well as the Boy Scouts have ingrained within me the desire to learn, the desire to lead, and the desire to challenge myself in all that I do to better myself and others. These ingrained character traits are what has led me to applying to the Naval Academy. I believe that The Naval Academy will fulfill these desires as well as open up opportunities for my future. I believe the Naval Academy will set me on the path to reaching two long term goals: To lead others while serving my country and to become the best I can be in my work field.

In 2008 my parents got divorced. I was at the tail end of 4th grade when they split up and it came as a surprise to me. I was confused and couldn't understand why they were getting divorced. I remember the day my dad was packing his things to leave. As he was packing his things, I sat nearby on a bucket with a quarter in my hand and told him if I flipped the coin and it landed on heads, he would stay. Looking back now I realize how simple the world seemed to me back then. A few months later I was entering 5th grade at a new school where I knew nobody. It was hard to come to terms with how much my life was changing in such a short time, and for a while I was lost. My parents split up on horrible terms, and they fought all the time. When my dad would come pick my sister and I up, my parents often yelled and argued over unresolved problems they had. I constantly tried to mediate between them and help them try to forgive each other, but it never worked. Although one could look at my experience and see how it negatively affected me, I choose to look at the positive. This experience taught me the value of family and how you can't take anything for granted. It taught me that pain is temporary. It also taught me the world is complex and full of challenges; how I deal with those challenges determines my success.
ChristineB - / 108 55  
Jul 19, 2015   #2
Hi, David. I'll help you with your essay:

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I grew up with parents that encouraged me to strive for the best and not settle for anything else.

I grew up with parents thatwho encouraged me to strive for the best and not settle for anything else.

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My father was always telling me about his experiences in South Korea with the army.

My father was always tellingtalkedme about his experiences in South Korea with the army.

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He showed me that the military is a great place to start out one's adult life.

He showed me that the military is a great place to start out one's adult life.

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When I was younger, I went on camping trips with the Cub Scouts and when I was old enough, I became a Boy Scout.

When I was younger, I went on camping trips with the Cub Scouts;and when I was old enough, I became a Boy Scout.

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I became a Patrol Leader and took a course called National Youth Leadership Training, which taught me how to effectively lead and teach.

I became a Patrol Leader and took a course called National Youth Leadership Training,;whichthis taught me how to effectively lead and teach.

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I hope that helps you some :)
OP davidsrosario0 1 / 4 1  
Jul 19, 2015   #3
Thank you! I appreciate the help.
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Jul 20, 2015   #4
Your essay is just two paragraphs, each one answering a question. What you need is proper form. You could introduce the two questions with a thesis statement.

my parents as well as the Boy Scouts have ingrained...

This could be your thesis statement. But then you need to make the rest of the paragraph into a new paragraph.

Although one could look...

This could be the forth and last paragraph. Then you just need to tie it into the Naval Academy question, and end.

Your word choice and punctuation are good. You just need to add some traditional form and style to the essay. This will make it stronger! Just add a thesis statement and a conclufibg statement that tie it into one piece.

Good start!

ef _carol


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