This is a rough draft so please excuse any errors. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated! It's my second go from a previous common app question.
Thanks again guys
PROMPT: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
Essay:
My feet pound against the pavement. With each forward step I take, the pain in my legs get worst. I try to breathe through it but no amount of air ever satisfies. Then all of sudden the alarm on phone goes off and my legs begin to stop moving. My lungs begin to fill with air again and my legs go numb. I look at my phone and try to articulate its meaning out loud. " 5 minutes and 30 seconds" I say to myself, " I can now run a mile in 5 minutes in 30 seconds." I sit down before I move on to my next exercise. I am in pain I am tired I am happy
In my life, when I need a getaway, I go to the gym. When I'm in the gym the world around me stops. For a brief moment, all my troubles are gone and life becomes incredibly simple. I have my weights, I have my machines, I have my goal, and nothing can compare to the feeling of euphoria and adrenaline.
My first hesitant step in the gym was both a feat of courage and of necessity. At the time I was under a lot of stress that was causing both mental and physical problem. Physically, when I am under stress I clench my mouth, which damages the roof of my mouth. Mentally, it was effecting my academics. When I went to go see my doctor about it, she recommended exercise as a way to alleviate it. What started out, however, as a way to alleviate stress quickly turned to a getaway from it. For an individual such as myself, the stress of academics, social, and home life obligations can feel overwhelming and suffocating at times. When I am the gym this pressure is lifted off my shoulders. Ironically I feel I can breathe better when I'm gasping for air in a workout. Along with this, I have a tendency to over complicate things within my life, adding more to stress. The gym simplistic manner makes it impossible for the complicate it and allows me to stay focused.
Along with being my getaway, the gym has become one the most meaningful places for me. For a short time, I was homeless and with little sense of belonging. The gym gave me a sense of community when I needed most. I was immersed with like minded people, who accepted me as I was and aided me obtaining my goals. I was offered a job to aid with payments. They waived my monthly subscription until I could be back in feet. More importantly though, they gave me a family when I had none around. The people at my gym mean the world to me, and although I can never repay them for there generosity, I will always cherish the time I am with them.
People often fail to recognize the potential in something due to its difficulty or complexity. I am glad that I was able use the gym to its fullest potential. Working out will only and always be what you make out to be, and for me it was a lot more than another mundane health obligation.
There are quite a number of grammatical errors in the essay that I am currently refraining from correcting as there are a number of paragraphs that need to be revised. Once you have completed the revision, we should be able to start working on the grammar errors and tightening of the essay. Does it have a maximum word count? Are you within range?
Along with being my getaway, the gym has become one the most meaningful places for me. For a short time, I was homeless and with little sense of belonging. The gym gave me a sense of community when I needed most. I was immersed with like minded people, who accepted me as I was and aided me obtaining my goals. I was offered a job to aid with payments. They waived my monthly subscription until I could be back in feet. More importantly though, they gave me a family when I had none around. The people at my gym mean the world to me, and although I can never repay them for there generosity, I will always cherish the time I am with them.
- You need to clarify that the gym owners offered you a job. Right now, that portion of the paragraph is unclear. The idea is confused and thus not properly developed. Revising this paragraph should help clarify that.People often fail to recognize the potential in something due to its difficulty or complexity. I am glad that I was able use the gym to its fullest potential. Working out will only and always be what you make out to be, and for me it was a lot more than another mundane health obligation.
- This paragraph deviates from the essay prompt. Try to rephrase it in such a manner that the environment of the gym and the gym itself becomes the center of the closing statement. After all, it is not the exercise that you are describing in this essay but the place and environment that helps you feel a sense of contentment .
