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Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician...


neil098 3 / 8  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician and tell us about the experiences that you have had which have helped to shape this ideal.

Prior to the seventh grade, I had never experienced any serious injury in which I was in need of a doctor. However, one experience showed me the manner of a true physician.

When I was 11 years old, I obtained a foot injury while I was in school. Sharp spasms of pain shot through my foot and ankle after my foot slipped down the long staircase. Since walking became a challenge, I was wheeled over to the school's main office and was sent to a local hospital. When I arrived there, a radiologist took several x-rays of my foot. I was later seen by a doctor who handled my injured foot with meticulous care and carefully examined my x-ray photos with astounding precision. The small fracture in the tarsal of my right foot was so tiny that it seemed almost invisible to my untrained eyes. However, the doctor pinpointed the fracture as if it were clearly marked. The doctors who cared for me showed that their sole concern was to tend my injury and make sure that I received proper medical attention.

My experience with my foot injury has helped shape my ideal of a model doctor. An ideal physician is compassionate and would express selflessness to all of his patients. Although he may be fatigued or concerned with other matters, the wellbeing of his patients should be his primary goal while in the workplace. A physician must also be optimistic, but he must always tell the whole truth regarding any situation. His sole purpose while on the job is to care for and help patient I have been cared for by many doctors and hospital staff members that have some of these ideal qualities. Their benevolence and altruism is the reason that I am here today.

This essay is required for entry into the Scholars for Medicine program at Stony Brook University. Please give advice, comments, corrections, etc. Thank you very much!

linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 18, 2009   #2
You are not showing but telling with this:
An ideal physician is compassionate and would express selflessness to all of his patients. Although he may be fatigued or concerned with other matters, the wellbeing of his patients should be his primary goal while in the workplace. A physician must also be optimistic, but he must always tell the whole truth regarding any situation. His sole purpose while on the job is to care for and help patient I have been cared for by many doctors and hospital staff members that have some of these ideal qualities. Their benevolence and altruism is the reason that I am alive today.

Try to describe the doctor you had as a newborn, instead of making generalities. Did you have a good pediatrician? (I do and I could describe her for this essay. She's the ideal physician who spends more time listening than talking, who takes time to explain her diagnosis is, who has a great sense of humor.) Try to bring this ideal to life relating to you as a person...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #3
Neil, this is great writing, but I agree that you are not going to seem outstanding if you submit it this way. Like linmark said, this prompt refers to something visual. They want an essay that is beautiful DESCRIPTIVE writing about a physician.

Google: descriptive essay

You will have no trouble reworking this! Just take inspiration from this version, and write an essay that is all about a person. You have to see her, and describe her.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 26, 2009   #4
You've really improved the essay by recounting vividly the experience you had at 11. It could be much better if you closely relate the verbal portrait with your example (to comply with the prompt.) The ideal you wrote doesn't read convincingly (from the example that is supposed to have "helped you shape this ideal." The two seem to be disassociated.


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