I just finished with the first draft of my UF application essay. The prompt is: describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Are there any errors in this? Is there any way that I could make this better? Thank you.
Bullets whiz past your head, allies scream out tactics, and all while you're sitting behind a piece of plywood. Standing up gets you killed, but staying put gets your friends killed. This is paintball. A game that teaches you to be brave and tough; it teaches you mortality. When every second could be your last, hesitation is deadly. Quick thinking and improvisation skills save your life. No other games can teach you these things the way paintball can. Only paintball lets you harness your fears, and turn them into strength. The day that I started playing paintball was the beginning of the rest of my life.
Perhaps the best thing about paintball is how its necessary skills translate into life skills. The courage needed to charge an enemy fortification is the same as the courage needed to ask for a promotion. The toughness that is earned by being lit up by professionals allows you to take whatever life throws at you. Mortality is the biggest lesson to be taken from paintball. Obviously you don't die when you get shot by a paintball; however you are dead in terms of that round. Knowing that you must do what is necessary to survive that round is a lesson learned in life as well as paintball. If you play conservatively, you will die without accomplishing anything. If you charge without planning or any thinking, you will surely die a fool's death. If you have a plan, however, you can accomplish great things and not die a useless death. If there is a better metaphor for life than paintball, I would love to hear it.
Life, as in paintball, requires a tactical strategy for success. This leads me to the University of Florida. I believe that UF is perfect for me because, not only is the university home to a top 20 national paintball team, but because of a world renown teaching staff, and a top tier business school. Since paintball is an expensive sport, I began loaning my friends money, and always made sure they had enough money left over to play paintball, so business is a career interest of mine. I am an ideal fit for UF because I have all of the skills mentioned before, and I always work my hardest to be something that my family and friends can be proud of. I may or may not be one of the elite students at the University of Florida, but I will do anything and everything possible to become one. You will not make a mistake by accepting me, guaranteed.
Standing up gets you killed, but staying put gets your friends killed.
Awesome... this essay makes me want to try paintball...
Only paintball lets you harness your fears, and turn them into strength. The day that I started playing paintball was the beginning of t
he rest of my life. Nope!! You can think of a better way to end this sentence! :-)
If you charge without planning or any thinking, you will surely die a fool's death.-- you have a great style of writing, and I'm impressed by the way you convey your enthusiasm about paintball.
One more suggestion:
In life, as in paintball, a tactical strategy is required for success.
Or
Life, like paintball, requires...
If there is a better metaphor for life than paintball, I would love to hear it.
It's a shame not to pack more punch in this sentence instead of "I would love to hear it..."
Your examples are so vivid and engaging, but mostly concentrated on survival. What about the life after survival? List your most important rewards i.e. victory, leadership, team spirit, better skills, teaching others to survive?
I may or may not be one of the elite , but I will do anything and everything possible to become a successful student at the University of Florida one. You will not make a mistake by accepting me, guaranteed.
I would tone down the salesmanship in your closing paragraph. Just demonstrate your determination to succeed, compare it to your ability to survive and win in paintball.
