I did this super quickly. Feedback please?
Prompt: Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)
Essay:
I am a painter.
Which is to say, I paint.
I paint in purples, hues of green, shades of that metallic-y orange seen on leaves every autumn. I paint in spirit, song, and dynamic. Every movement mimics the stroke of a brush- BANG. It is the thunderous clap of children hitting the pavement as they stroll about during recess time. It is the sound of Mr. Weatherly's cart wheels as he props open his hotdog stand and shouts: two for three, two for three.
I am in my jungle; it is concrete madness. But, I rather enjoy it. I like the youthful, urban-city vibe of my environment. It is inspirational, canvassing, in a helter-skelter motion, my easel and waiting for me to paint. Paint with words; I like to write. I've always found the written word to be the most communicative medium between two people. Or, perhaps a group. Two groups. Several thousand groups. English, the international language, is perhaps the only medium spoken by the masses.
English: seven tiny letters arranged not-so categorically. I cannot begin to explain my infatuation for the subject. Asking me this would be complicated- like asking Galileo what he found so preoccupying about the Moon. Perhaps, it is the flow of the language; each word can have so many meanings. But what of them? I cannot answer this question on my own- it demands the excessive attention of highly qualified professionals. I am hoping they can be found at the University of Pennsylvania.
Perhaps, the meaning of language can be found in a seminar with Melissa Sanchez- Feminist Theory, Milton: Major Poetry and Prose, Chaucer, all classes that dauntingly call for me. Or, perhaps it can be found in a Classics course taught by Rita Copeland. The faculty presented at UPenn seems unrivalled- where else are such magnificent professors, offering such amazing courses, found? They are unique to UPenn, and I- a self-proclaimed bibliophile and feminist- feel the utmost surge of affection to be part of that environment.
But, it is not only the diverse English program that attracts me to UPenn. Political science is another enticing UPenn department- the novel courses offered in, for instance, political theory allow me to gain a better scope of what kind of school UPenn is. It is a school for diversity, teaching everything from the meaning of democracy, to Hegel and Marx- an ironic combination.
UPenn is a place I believe I would receive a quality education, and be fostered and mentored by a wide range of academics and intellectuals. However, such could be done by the students as well- UPenn, I find, has a beautiful student life subculture. This Philadelphia based social hub is diversity pounding at my door. UPenn is the canvas I hope to embalm with memories, education, and epiphanies.
I am a painter.
I have found my canvas.
Okay, this is just... WOW. Just a couple of nitpicky remarks from a guy pretending to be an English teacher for the next hour:
It is the sound of Mr. Weatherly's cart wheels as he props open his hotdog stand and shouts: two for three, two for three.
Why don't you turn that end into an actual quote and end with an exclamation point? To me, that would seem more...err...natural.
The faculty presented at UPenn seems unrivalled
I had to laugh when I read and reread this statement. It's like the professors are up for auction or something... How about cutting the "presented"? Would that subtract any meaning?
That's all I could pick out, really. If you write like this "super quickly", I'd love to see what you could write given time. It'd probably put my own linguistics to shame. Anyway, Happy New Year and good luck.
I don't think there is anything wrong, except that the "official" way to type a dash is [space] hypen hyphen [space], rather than hyphen hyphen [space] as you have here :P Good luck!
