I am not very good at writing this is my 2nd attempt to write this, see if you guys could point out some improvments. thank you so much.
It was a hot afternoon of June, 1998, in Jhelum, Pakistan, a place where the normal temperature recorded around this time of year is as high as 115 Fahrenheit degrees. Everything seemed to be melting with the heat waves. There was not a single bird or a fly in the sky or it would have been fried under these conditions. All eyes could see were dirt fields and dried grass and this one big tree in the middle which served as shade for a classroom of fourteen year old a2j. There was one blackboard on an easel with chalk and a duster. Everyone in the class was sitting on the dirt ground except an elderly guy with glasses, who was standing in front of the class holding a book. Regartless of the unmerciful weather conditions and the waves of heat burning the epidermis, Arsalan had a shine in his eyes, a shine that was hard to explain, a shine that could only come from satisfaction of achievement.
I will never forget those summers when nature and society were against my getting an education. The purpose of life in this part of the world was to survive and make end meet. I was brought up in a culture where as soon as a son is over ten years old, he is ready to do hard labor so he can provide for the family. I discovered from early on in life the enjoyment of reading and learning new things. Like anything else you have to pay a price for something you really want in life. For me it was either starve or go to school. The option for me was obviously going to school, so this classroom under the tree in 115 degree heat, without chairs was actually the biggest luxury of my life. I couldn't appreciate it enough.
Although I have always got good grades, my reason to get an education couldn't be any different than that of a student in school today. Today's student's high grades and finishing school to find a good job and earn good money isn't what I am here for. I believe in learning and applying it to make the world better for others, not just for my own comfort. Living under the conditions of my past, the only thing it taught me is that you can survive on one piece of dry bread and water. I have always admired the work of 20th-century scientists; their work in medicine, chemistry and other scientific fields is most admirable. I have always wanted to take the same path they did. I am fortunate to be here, I could have never thought of getting education from excellent teachers and students from around the world. I will continue to pursue my educational career to my fullest abilities.
a place where the normal temperature recorded around this time of year is 115 degrees Fahrenheit degrees.
All eyes could see were dirt fields, and dried grass and a big tree in the middle which served as shade for a classroom of fourteen year olds a2j.
Regartless Regardless of the unmerciful weather conditions and the waves of heat burning the epidermis, Arsalan had a shine shine is awkward, maybe a "twinkle"? in his eyes, a shine that was hard to explain, a shine that could only come from satisfaction of achievement.
Your ideas are good but your writing is awkward. GOOD luck!
Yes, this is good writing. I am starting to think that people who are good writers are still good writers even when affected by language barriers.
Here is the way I think ages are usually written:
fourteen year-old
It is nice to have a hyphen between year and old, because it adds some aesthetic detail to the text.
Because you are an excellent writer, I want to share an idea that is not a rule but is interesting and useful: Let the reader do as much work as possible. For example:
It was a hot afternoon of June, 1998, in Jhelum, Pakistan, a place where the normal temperature recorded around this time of year is as high as 115 Fahrenheit degrees. Everything seemed to be melting with the heat waves. I crossed off the second sentence, because it says the same thing as the first sentence. The reader might not have a lot of time or attention to invest, so make every sentence count, and bring them to that crucial point at the end of the first paragraph, where they will pause for a moment to reflect on the direction you seem to be going with the essay.
So, when I say "let the reader do as much work as possible," I mean "Show, don't tell" and I also mean "don't waste any sentences." The reader's mind is restless, so plant that image of a hot afternoon and then move on to complete the paragraph. Modern people need bite sized portions because of their short attention spans.
Again, this is just an idea and certainly not always necessary. But... I just think it's interesting: The opposite of redundant is subtle.
Great job!
