Hey guys, i'm looking for some feedback/suggestions for my common app essay.
Sitting face to face, I knew this was the moment I had been waiting for. Across from me was the person I had lost to in a chess tournament as a child. I could still remember the manner in which I had lost. It was a complete domination and he had executed his game plan flawlessly, leaving me dumbfounded but dying for another chance at him. He played a more mature and experienced game than I did and I constantly found myself making novice mistakes as I became increasingly rattled by the pressure. Yet an opportunity for me to prove myself came and here we were in high school, facing each other again, both sitting at first board. Finding myself losing the game again and with my time running out, I knew I had to make the one gutsy move I had been waiting for the whole game. Unfazed by the crowd of people that had amassed around our board, I made the move that seemed at the time, uncalled for or a blunder. Onlookers were confused, whispering to each with baffled expressions but I had something they didn't: the knowledge I had gained from my loss to this person years ago. Looking back, this was the move that allowed me to come back and win the game was the turning point. Under pressure, I did what I couldn't do as a child; I took a chance using lessons I learned from a previous mistake and followed through with it.
The key to success is not only intelligence but also persistence. Each mistake I have made I see as a stepping stone to success. Not afraid of losing, not afraid of messing up has been an attitude I have always embraced. For it is how I have recovered and learned from these mistakes or setbacks that has given me the most. But it was not just this ability that allowed me to win the match. Being the last board still playing in the entire floor, everyone was crowded around our table, creating an atmosphere of intensity. The ability to stay composed with my team watching me and my time running down was ultimately what allowed me to pull out the win. As I sat there calmly thinking through my strategy, my opponent was visibly flustered and shaking. On paper, this was supposed to be an easy win for him as he was much higher rated than I but on that day it was the intangibles that I possessed that made the difference. I had remained poised as he self-destructed.
I have found that there is nothing more important than being able to work and function with stress and pressure. To be able to compete in today's job market it is necessary to deal with the challenges and obstacles that manifest themselves every day. This is an area in which I believe I have become prepared for all my life through experiences as simple as tough chess matches such as this one. Today, nearing the end of my high school days, I still find that when put in stressful situations like these, I don't panic but rather strive.
novanix,
You have great ideas,and a great direction for your essay.I enjoyed reading it.I have a few pointers/suggestions though.
-Try to break up your essay into paragraphs.It will be easier to read.
-There are quite a number of cliches(e.g. stepping stone,pull out the win,turning point).You might want to avoid these.
Grammatical error:'Looking back, this was the move that allowed me to come back and win the game was the turning point. '
otherwise,a good essay.good luck!(which schools are you applying to?)
looking at some average schools like Northwestern, Rice, Duke, U of M
anymore feedback would be great
Add a comma:
He played a more mature and experienced game than I did, and I constantly found myself making novice mistakes as I became increasingly rattled by the pressure.
Wow, you know, sometimes you can also have a bad game if you are playing a less skillful player. It can take away your skill when someone is playing in a totally amateurish way, and you can get taken off guard!
I did what I couldn't do as a child; I took a chance using lessons I learned from a previous mistake and followed through with it. --- this is very good..
comma: much higher rated than I, but on
I need to see a sentence that tells what the move was and how the game ended! Ah! I can't believe you left me wondering. You did a great job of conveying this idea that you won because of a mistake experience taught you how to avoid. What happened? Did you have to sacrifice a piece?
