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A short paragraph from my Why Northwestern essay.


fearless9 4 / 12  
Dec 19, 2009   #1
...It takes more than just outstanding academics to impress me. An excellent university must balance students' social lives with their academic lives, and Northwestern does exactly this. With approximately 35 percent of all students in some Greek house, Northwestern certainly provide students with a wide non-academic curriculum. The most celebrated symbol of Northwestern is probably the "Rock," a giant boulder on which students have the freedom to display their artworks or advertisements. Other student traditions I anticipate are the Primal Scream and Armadillo Day, which are great activities for students to socialize and to relax their minds. Through Northwestern's lively traditions and its vast number of student organizations, I hope to make many friends of different ethnicities and background...
Jenn1124 2 / 2  
Dec 19, 2009   #2
This is my first time helping people on this site so bare with me.

On this part here I would think about re-wording it- all students in some Greek house,
and I would add a "s" to the end of this ethnicities and background

I hope this helps just a little bit.

Over all I think it is good
RabiaG 1 / 30  
Dec 19, 2009   #3
I like how you start off the paragraph.

"with a wide- non academic curriculum" I think you should reword this, you might want to say instead how the curiculum includes diverse opportunities for other things... I just perceived that part as a criticism to the school.

before that, you say "in some Greek house", take some consideration of the name of that exact house, you sound hesitant about it.

I believe you should add some sophisticated vocab. words here and there.
But that doesn't mean just find a synonym of the word for example "great" think of a intellect word, that you might say.

I hope to make many friends of different ethnicities and background...
I love this idea, but the wording is simple, you might want to say,
"I would like to acknowledge multifarious languages and cultures...etc etc
icysakura 4 / 8  
Dec 19, 2009   #4
With approximately 35 percent of all students in some Greek house, Northwestern certainly provide students with a wide non-academic curriculum.
Sounds a bit like a stat...
"some Greek house" could either mean
A. what you mean (which i totally understand)
B. they are all in the same Greek house, which is some random Greek house you don't know the name of.
I suggest using "a" instead of "some"
Also, it would be "Northwestern certainly provides "

Overall- well done! It was clear you did quite a bit of research :)
When you start talking about the Rock, though - perhaps its just sentence structure - it sounds more like you are reciting facts about Northwestern (which I'm sure ad-coms know quite well) instead of explaining why you love Northwestern/fit there.

The student traditions part 'till the end is excellent; it pinpoints specifically what you love about Northwestern.

Good luck, and hope my suggestions helped!


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