a paragraph that updates my activity in a waitlist letter.

Hi, are my sentences ever redundant? any way to make this more interesting? txs in advance
esp check for grammar mistakes and i do realize some sentences might be confusing :(

Dear Sir or Madam:

C University remains my absolute first choice university; thus, I intend to hold my place on the waiting list. I find C engineering to be amongst the top engineering programs in the world, so if a spot does indeed open up for me, I will immediately enroll.

I recently attended one of C's campus tour sessions, and this visit further ensured me C is my best match. I have expressed in my application my interest in the Engineering Communications Program, the Kessler Fellows Program, and the student project teams. Through the information I gained from my visit, I increasingly admire C for establishing and supporting these endeavours. My involvement in the Canada Arm Competition mentioned in my application has highlighted, for me, the complex number of steps involved in realizing an engineering idea; thus, I look forward to joining the student project teams, because these teams provide unsurpassed opportunities for one to learn about coping with the intermediate stages involved in reaching an engineering goal. From manufacturing an idea to realizing it, these teams thoroughly prepare their members for any other complex projects. C fits my academic aspirations because I seek for integration between essential knowledge and hands-on skills, and the student project teams allow for such education by bridging together the engineering quad and the external community. Apart from these resources, I also enjoy the atmosphere of C. Sitting in the valley of I, C resembles a sleeping dragon. The campus was quiet on the day of my visit, yet within this peaceful quietness there was energy. There, I saw students walking with books under their armpits, instrument cases in their hands, and sport equipments on their backs. Zooming in and out, I saw twenty students in love with twenty different activities. While the student guide spoke about the giant pumpkin that appeared mysteriously on the tip of a tower in C years ago, I laughed at the rich tradition of the C campus. That day, I took a picture and preserved, with my camera, the elite minds of today and the driving force of tomorrow.

I continued to participate in the activities of my interest over the past few months. I noted in my application that I was appointed as the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) student delegate to the Better School, Brighter Futures conference in November. This conference was only the prelude of my mission to amending the educational system of Toronto, and a series of new responsibilities followed. Soon afterwards, I became responsible for publicizing the information obtained during the conference. Over January and February, I gave a number of speeches at my high school and called out for the opinions of my fellow students. This is a mission for the class of 2013, but also a mission for me to discover the underlying tenets of life and success. As I progressed through the activity, I came to understand the importance of keeping pace with the changing doctrines of time and technology, and about reaching out into the community. After this activity, I learned that a good school seeks to work in partnership with community institutions in order to provide a wider range of opportunities for students. Inspired by this idea, I started an organization that brought my school Earl Haig into partnership with the St. Johns Rehab Hospital. As a founder of the organization, I aimed to create volunteer experience for my fellow students and began my own quest towards thinking big and reaching out far. As my high school years came close to an end, I became less bound by my grades and more eager to make changes in Earl Haig. In late March, I volunteered for the Biology department of my school and refurbished all of the bio bulletin boards in the science hall. Furthermore, I became an equity ambassador in early April and proudly took on the mission to build a school environment in which all are equal. I am confident that with these updated activities, I will become a valuable addition to C if admitted.

I want to attend C. To help me achieve this dream, my parents have decided to tighten their belts and raise the amount they plan to contribute to my undergrad education to twenty thousand dollars per year.

Always cut to make writing better:

I continued to participate in the activities of my interest over the past few months. I have noted in my application that I was appointed as the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) student delegate to the Better School, Brighter Future conference in November.

Perhaps you should add a new opening sentence in place of the one I cut (about continuing to participate in activities of your interest.


No! Actually, this sentence is interesting; it leads me to visualize you in front of lots of students on many occasions. I almost want to recommend that you find a way to make this your opening line.

The opening line is so important, not just to catch the reader's attention but also to get you inspired to write.

I am excited to discover that the need to understand and cooperate about keeping pace with the changing doctrines of time and technology and the need to about reaching out into the global network of today's (name of field of interest). are not only the essences of a good educational system, but also the wisdom to achieving any long wanted success


No, not weird, but I think it should be the first sentence of a new paragraph. Is this all one long paragraph? Use 2 or 3 paragraphs.

Furthermore , I became an equity ambassador in early April and proudly took on the mission to build a community in which all are (is?) equal.

"are" is right. I hope you have success with this!! Sounds like you are a motivated, inspired person.

thanks Kevin

hi, now i've got the whole letter except the ending (havent got one yet). help me look at the paragraphs as a whole and see if everything flows. i need help on grammer and rambling sentences. thanks in advance

This part is not so good. It does not go with the rest of the essay, and I doubt it helps present you in a positive light.

The rest of this is great, though! Except... I want to offer an idea for the opening paragraph:

I find C engineering to be amongst the top engineering programs in the world, so if a spot does indeed open up for me, I will immediately enroll. I intend to hold my place on the waiting list, because C University remains my absolute first choice university.

Oh great advise for the openin.txs kevin. and lol i agree the money part is weird will take that out

Great! Good luck, I hope it is well-received.