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My parent's smile and joy- experiences that helped to define you as a person


ms_bella 1 / 1  
Aug 12, 2009   #1
hi. pls help me on my essay.give me suggestions to improve my piece. actually this is not yet done because i dont know what to write next!mental block here. help pls! so here it is. (fingers cross)

"Who are you?" A very straightforward question. Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers themselves.

Every single one of our past experiences was characterizing us, serving as our road of becoming who we are now. Every single experience that a person has contributes to their individuality, be it in a profound or an inconsequential way.

When I was writing this piece, memories started to flash back. I suddenly travel back through time. As JK Rowling would say, I entered the pensieve, just like Harry Potter and Dumbledore. Extremely vivid memories were rapidly swimming in my thoughts. It was like a collection of movie clips playing so fast. It is there. The one when I was little and don't have a care in this world. It's just me and my world. Then abruptly, I was being pulled in a different dimension. I can see myself clearly on my very first day of school. How my chin wobbled and my eyes started to water because I feel so alone. And in just a mere second I saw myself going up the stage receiving my very first award, my parents being so proud of me. But in an instant my moment of happiness was transformed into moment of humiliation. Why? Because my tampered memories came into view. Tampered because I don't want to remember them, since it was all losing memories.

"I was not delivered into this world into defeat nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be lead by my shepherd, I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny. I will persist until I succeed"

So you see? I was afraid of losing. I don't want losing. Cause I am not a loser. I was brought up with the expectation from my parents that I should always be on top. Hell. It was a pressure. So there's nothing that I can do but to reach that expectation. I always work hard. Often, I will spend sleepless night just to do a task what was asked of me. Even if sometimes I just want to tell them that I can't do it anymore, I keep a happy façade because me being on top makes them happy. Say it is masochist but I can sacrifice my own happiness just to see the smile and joy of my parents whenever I achieved something.

Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 12, 2009   #2
"Who are you?" A very straightforward question. Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers themselves.
Every single one of our past experiences was characterizing us, serving as our road of becoming who we are now.

Got some tense issues here.

Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers themselves.

"not decide what to say" = "being uncertain of the answers"

When I was writing this piece, memories started to flash back. I suddenly travel back through time.

unnecessary.

As JK Rowling would say, I entered the pensieve, just like Harry Potter and Dumbledore.

This little comparison is out of the blue.

When I was writing this piece, memories started to flash back. I suddenly travel back through time. As JK Rowling would say, I entered the pensieve, just like Harry Potter and Dumbledore. Extremely vivid memories were rapidly swimming in my thoughts. It was like a collection of movie clips playing so fast. It is there. The one when I was little and don't have a care in this world. It's just me and my world.

Come to think of it, I think this whole passage should be omitted because it describes your thinking process.

And in just a mere second I saw myself going up the stage receiving my very first award, my parents being so proud of me. But in an instant my moment of happiness was transformed into moment of humiliation. Why? Because my tampered memories came into view. Tampered because I don't want to remember them, since it was all losing memories.

What? This is so random. Tampered? How did you get an award on the first day of school?

"I was not delivered into this world into defeat nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be lead by my shepherd, I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny. I will persist until I succeed"

Again, What? I am utterly confused.

So you see? I was afraid of losing. I don't want losing. Cause I am not a loser.

huh?

I'm sorry but I do not understand the last half of your essay at all.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 12, 2009   #3
"Yet, it is surprising that many of us could not decide what to say, being uncertain of the answers ourselves ."

I am utterly confused.

Me too. The introduction is intriguing. The whole essay is intriguing. But mystifying too. Who asked a group of people who they are? Where did this happen? Was that the incident that set you off on this train of thought? Where does the train take you?

It might help us to know not only where you're going with this but also what is the essay prompt you are answering.
OP ms_bella 1 / 1  
Aug 13, 2009   #4
thank you for your advice. can you please help me to construct an opening sentence?cause i dont know what to write anymore. i finished the whole essay now but the opening sentence is still missing.help pls.tnx.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 13, 2009   #5
We can't help you construct an opening sentence because we don't understand what you posted so far and have not seen the rest of the essay. Perhaps, if you have revised and finished the essay, you could post what you have so far. Please take our commentaries seriously: What you posted so far was not comprehensible and will not serve you well as an admission essay.


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