Parents / Campus - UCF Admissions essay "bump in the road"

Hi, I am applying to UCF as an undergraduate student for Fall 2010. I am only required to answer 2 questions and these are 2 of the questions i choose.

I noticed that the essay are only supposed to be 500 words long and I went over the requirement. About 300 words longer than it should be. Some where along the essay I probably was just adding things that probably isnt important. So if you can help me make my word count smaller . Please and thank you in advance!

1.If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be very naïve to everything that is happening. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Throughout my whole life, I have learned that obstacles, struggles or a "bump in the road" is things that we just have to go through for us to grow and be a better person. When I was twelve years old I started rebelling against everything and everyone that was part of my life. My parent's relationship had withered away and later separated which was the major affect on me. I love my parents and the family we had together that made it difficult for me to accept and adjust to the circumstances that was happening. My parents were my support and I used their separation as an excuse to not be the great person that I am. As a whole my actions were to protect myself from any more pain and suffering that I had felt I was having. Soon later I was under the influences of alcohol and drugs. I was fighting recklessly for no meaningful reason with many people in school or on the streets. I was constantly harassed and abused by my father's family that said I will never be anything. Everything in between had affected my thoughts about caring for my education in school. My grades started to slip and next thing I knew I was suspended and was on a verge to being expelled from my middle school. Finally resorting to someone I had trust, I realized it was time for me to let go of what I could not control and make a change to fix my life while I still have the chance to. I decided to move from my hometown in Queens, New York and started living with my mother in Florida. This was one of the hardest choices I had made for I had to leave everything I knew and loved in my hometown behind. But since then I have never looked back and I am happy because I am who I am now. This change had helped me stay focus on myself and create the future that I want it to be, not how my family had proposed. From my family and through my own experiences I have learned the importance of overcoming struggles. We all need to struggle and overcome our challenges in life. We will become stronger every time we overcome our challenges. So if you encounter a challenge in your life right now, don't run away from it, face your challenge and develop yourself through the process. As a result, I will continue to help people overcome their struggles within the Central Florida community that I hope I can do as a student in UCF.

3.Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

I choose to apply to UCF because of the well rounded atmosphere the campus is presenting to future students like me. I have met wonderful people that speak highly of UCF and also influenced me to consider UCF as one of my universities that I believe will help me become a great leader and fulfill my expectations in a university. UCF offers everything I need in order to be successful; it has an impressive academic curriculum and the extraordinary environment to top it off. UCF has one of the best anthropology departments that I have learned about and fully supports archeology research which sparks my interest. I consider this university as an opportunity for me in regards to studying, learning and exploring the every aspect of human experiences. I am also fond of the choral department UCF has to offer. Coming from a very diverse high school, UCF supports that environment where I can be exposed to many different students incorporating the use of music of their peoples, times, languages, cultures and traditions. I also admire and applaud to UCF's softball team. They are strong and show great qualities as a team that I hope I can participate in. I like the university's location that which is close to both my family and potential job opportunities. It is located about an hour from my home in Central Florida, a more convenient trip for family members to visit. Throughout my high school years I have excelled in all my academic and elective classes. I participated in many extracurricular activities such as sports, clubs and societies that I have received much recognition for and performed excellent leadership abilities. UCF offers all that I need to continue being active in school. UCF sets the foundation for its students to be the best which is the why I choose to apply to UCF.

"I love my parents and the family we had together that made it difficult for me to accept and adjust to the circumstances that was happening."

I loved my parents and the family we had together but it was difficult for me to accept and adjust to the circumstances that was happening.

"Soon later I was under the influences of alcohol and drugs."- omit the word "later"

"I was constantly harassed and abused by my father's family that said I will never be anything."
I was constantly harassed and abused by my father's family who believed I will never amount to anything.

"Everything in between had affected my thoughts about caring for my education in school." - Everything affected my concerns for my education.

Finally resorting to someone I had trust,- who? specify in brief

This was one of the hardest choices I had made for I had to leave everything I knew and loved in my hometown behind- This was one of the hardest choices I made for I had to leave everything and everyone I loved behind.

We will become stronger every time we overcome our challenges. So if you encounter a challenge in your life right now, don't run away from it, face your challenge and develop yourself through the process.- . So instead of running away from challenges, we should face it as it helps to forge a strong character.

2.

the campus is presenting- the campus presents

also influenced me to consider UCF as one of my universities that I believe will help me become a great leader and fulfill my expectations in a university.- also influenced me to consider UCF. I believe it will help me become a great leader and fulfill my expectations in a university

Don't write cliches! If you can help it, don't. We all cliche sometimes...
But if you say under the influence of ---> alcohol and drugs, that is big cliche.

Holy moly, you should use paragraphs. Writing without paragraphs is like talking so fast that no one can keep up. I am intimidated by these big paragraphs that I have to dive into... here I go!

That first sentence about struggle sometimes being exactly what we need... it is intriguing! So, let that be the theme for the essay. Let the first paragraph express that theme and end with a thesis statement about it.

This is a run on sentence:
I love my parents and the family we had together; that made it difficult for me to accept and adjust to the circumstances that were affecting us.

I fixed it with a semi-colon!

All of this is pretty meaningless:
I choose to apply to UCF because of the well rounded atmosphere ...people that speak highly of UCF and...everything I need in order to be successful; it has an impressive ... and the extraordinary environment ...

Can you see what I mean when I say those general statements are "fluff," sort of meaningless, ambiguous nice ideas? Make every sentence pack a hard punch. This sentence packs a punch:

UCF has one of the best anthropology departments that I have learned about and fully supports archeology research which sparks my interest.
This sentence is real. It shows a real reason. Try to take out the fluff and add more specific ideas, examples, and images. Here is another good one:

I also admire and applaud to UCF's softball team. ---- this is powerful, because it is real.

However, this is fluff: They are strong and show great qualities as a team that I hope I can participate in .---- Fluff! Fluff!! Let every sentence say something specific. :-) It's a tough challenge, but you can do it.

... This certainly is a challenge.

I had taken out some lines in my second essay while I am still struggling with the first essay.
If there is any changes I should make please feel free to suggest them.

I choose to apply to UCF because of the atmosphere the campus has for future students like me. I have met wonderful people that speak highly of UCF and also influenced me to consider UCF. UCF offers everything I need in order to be successful; it has an impressive academic curriculum. UCF has one of the best anthropology departments that I have learned about and fully supports archeology research which sparks my interest. I consider this university as an opportunity for me in regards to studying, learning and exploring the every aspect of human experiences. I am also fond of the choral department UCF has to offer. Coming from a very diverse high school, UCF has a choir where I can be exposed to many different students incorporating the use of music of their peoples, times, languages, cultures and traditions. I also admire and applaud to UCF's softball team. I like the university's location which is close to both my family and potential job opportunities. It is located about an hour from my home in Central Florida, a more convenient trip for family members to visit. UCF offers all that I need to continue being active in school. UCF sets the foundation for its students to be the best which is the why I choose to apply to UCF.

"Has" is a weak verb, not much fun:

I choose to apply to UCF because of the atmosphere the campus has creates for future students like me.

I consider this university as an opportunity for me in regards to studying, learning and exploring the every aspect of human experiences. This sentence is not helpful, because it is too obvious! Of course it is an opportunity for study and learning.

This is well-written, but it should be divided into a few paragraphs. You cover lots of ideas. One idea = one paragraph. Use the first sentence of each paragraph as a topic sentence to tell the paragraph's main idea.

:-)