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My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak


bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #1
What I am looking For: Right now my essay is 290 words and they say on the app 200 words so I need to find spots to weed it down. Also, just read for content and the usual revisions. Not afraid to rework the whole essay if you think the structure is bad, so just let me know. More specifically, do I need a stronger hook and conclusion? suggestions on either greatly appreciated.

Prompt:
1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

Essay:
My parents have always strongly believed in volunteer work. They not only verbalized this conviction, but displayed to my siblings and me the importance of such efforts through their actions. My mom has been extremely involved in the local school system since long before I was in kindergarten. She has positively affected the lives of thousands of kids, and many credit her for the new elementary school constructed in our town last year. My dad also volunteers, but he uses his career as a physician to do so. He has traveled to a multitude of third-world countries to provide medical care.

These actions inspired me to get involved whenever I heard about a cause I believed in. I organized my first fundraiser in third grade, and my sister and I ran a book drive in which we sold donated books. We raised over three hundred dollars, and from that point on the two of us never looked back in our efforts. We have run bake sales, ring sales, movie nights, Boston Harbor cruises, and dozens of other fundraisers together over the years. These efforts are both important and rewarding to me, and I look forward to continuing volunteer work for as long as I am able.

If you need help in an essay yourself say so in your comments and I will gladly take a look.
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #2
Also, is there anywhere that I should elaborate further on what I am saying?
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #3
Okay so this is due on the fourth and I am concerned about how it reads as of now. PLEASE HELP ME!! i will gladly edit any of your essays and do a good job.
IvanD 3 / 6  
Jan 3, 2010   #4
Hey,

I'm applying to Tufts too. I feel that your essay has a good point however it lacks the emphasis on YOU. The admissions tutor are making a decision on YOU, not your parents and how they are active in the community. It's all a good cause but take away majority of your parents. It should only be the intro to set the scene to allow you to talk about YOURSELF and how your parents affected YOU and YOUR volunteer work.

:)

Hope that helps,

Please return the favor by reading through my Common App essay :)
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 3, 2010   #5
ya that does help. Not sure what parts to take out though, anything in particular you would remove? Was thinking about a major rewrite and making all the parents accomplishments into like three sentences?
IvanD 3 / 6  
Jan 4, 2010   #6
Yes that would be better. Summarize their achievements, relate it to how it helped YOU develop as a person growing up and how it has made YOU the person YOU are today.

Remember, YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU.

Have a read at my Common App essay please.
Link's above.
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 4, 2010   #7
So I have it down to this, but still looking for ways to cut down parts on the parents. Suggestinos for rewording/what EXACTLY to remove? cause I am really struggling with it.
Sunshinydays323 - / 2  
Jan 4, 2010   #8
You can try removing the parts of your essay where you list things your mom has done and also the countries your dad has visited. Although they are your inspiration you ismply just have to say that they were involved. The essay inst about them so you do not need to list what they have done.

I hope this helps!
OP bilodeau54 3 / 19  
Jan 4, 2010   #9
Thanks for the help people! This is 206 words now so it should be good, but if anyone has any further suggestions feel free to help!
yikescollege 4 / 8  
Jan 4, 2010   #10
I think having some quotes are a little more anecdotes in there could help add life to the essay! its good though.
CobraRose 4 / 6  
Jan 4, 2010   #11
I think your revisements definatley helped to make it a better essay! You expanded on why it is important to YOU, which is always key.

good luck.


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