Need help with college essay. I know its very long and i understand i have to cut it down but i just wanted to get all my ideas out. Feed back wold be appreciated or critiques.
Like all immigrants my Mothers parents thought the streets of America were paved in gold. With little in their pockets and two little girls they boarded a plane looking for the American dream, but the road they took was not an easy journey.
My mother came to America when she was five years old. The struggle to get to America didn't come easy for my grandparents. During this time Yugoslavia was a communist country. My grandparents needed to escape to create a better life for their family. However, this was quite difficult to accomplish because of an "iron curtain". At 22 years of age, they said their good-byes and made their first attempt to cross the border illegally. As my grandparents climbed over mountains on one dark and stormy night, they had no other option but to wrap my mom and carry her in a black garbage bag hoping to keep her safe. To most people this may seem like a scene you would see in a movie, yet this was far from fiction and was most certainly reality. The heavy down pour of rain frightened my mom as a small child causing her to cry. The pitter patter of rain on the black garbage bag combining with the cries of panic soon alerted the posted guards. My grandfather was imprisoned, and my grandmother was sent back home to her mom. This created a whole new situation, but nonetheless the same goal with even more motivation. Months later my grandparent's next attempt was successful but was filled with remorse as they were forced to leave my mom with her grandmother for 3 years until they were reunited. Along this path my mom earned a hidden accolade of courage, an inner trait that will always be deep inside of her.
The differences between my mother and father's life were significantly different, but the struggle was similar. My father was born in 1956. His father at the age of fifty had a massive heart attack. He was one of the first candidates for open heart surgery. The severity of his condition prolonged his stay for over a year. My grandfather was in and out of the hospital for years and months at a time. Unlike most boys, my father never had the advantage of spending time with his father, but the time they did share was quality time that will never be forgotten. Born in 1910, my grandfather Carmine was one of nine children in a poor Italian family. He grew up during the Great Depression where his family faced many hardships. At the age of ten he had no choice but to quit school and begin work in order to help his family.
Later in life after my father was born, my grandfather worked in a chocolate factory in order to pay the bills. My dad's family was very poor; they were living on social security checks because of the heart attack my grandfather faced disabling him from work.. My grandmother got sick when my dad was four years old and she died when he was in his teens. My dad learned at an early age to be independent; discovering life on his own. The biggest influence on my dad's life was his Aunt Babe, she was there for him when no one else was and still is to this day. Brought up to be humble and unselfish he never took anything for granted. When my grandparents were married my grandmother invited a black couple to the wedding hall. The manager at the wedding hall immediately called attention to this and didn't want to let them in. At that time it was quite odd to invite a black couple to a wedding. My grandfather said if my wife's friends aren't going to be allowed in, then there will be no wedding held at this hall. He was taught right from wrong. Growing up during a time of racial discrimination never affected him. He was taught never to look at the color of people only their character.
The connection between my parents fit perfectly; values and morals are important to both of them. Through each of my parent's life they have earned traits and held onto them since they were kids. It has helped them persevere and succeed in life. Both looked upon as super heroes, they contain two important qualities. In my eyes my dad was given the gift of independence, while my mom attained the power of courage. These two skills have been passed down to me and created the man I am today. I am lucky enough to have the ability of accomplishing many goals and always reaching for the stars. I have always been prepared, whether it meant completing a triathlon, biking long island, or being qualified for the Business Honor Society. I feel as though I am on a path for bigger and better things. The importance of family could have never been enforced enough. I now realize how necessary it is to have support and friendship through your family. Often I am told how lucky I am to have two brothers who are so close to me. This astonishes me because it seems only natural for me to consider my brothers my best friends. Family comes to my dad at such a high value because of the amount of time he spent alone. As trivial as it may seem, having family dinners together every night is actually a crucial aspect of my family that separates us from others. Over the years this ritual continuously dies down in society, but my parent's values have kept us from saving a tradition. My Aunt Babe always says to my dad "It shows how you have instilled your kids with the same dignity and respect that your dad implemented in you".
Hello Steve,
Your essay has great imagery but lacks a linear storyline. You need a beginning, middle, and end. It's too jumpy and some sentences go no where- they act only as filler with no apparent purpose:"My Mother came to America when she was five years old" reads as a random thought when compared to the sentences preceding and following it. Your title is about both your parents and should reflect that in the opening of your essay- if I didn't know the topic I should still glean the subject(s) from the onset. The word America is used four times in the first four sentences- the redundancy can come across as the authors lack of varied vocabulary or boring. So try to vary the feelings of your families desire live a different life.
It's also important that you give a specific date to when this story takes place. The sentence "During this time" does not work because there has been no mention of ANY time. What's great about a story like this is that you can give the reader a little history of the time. Give details on what the term "iron curtain" means and what it meant for people such as your maternal grandparents.
The introduction of your fathers side also needs to be linear. The reader assumes he was born in the same country as your mother and only when you mention the birth of your paternal grandfather do we see that he is of Italian descent.
There are too many short sentences that make the reader have to stop and start. But I feel if you have a linear storyline the sentences will flow together well and be more connected.
Do not capitalize mother when you are not using it as a title. Only capitalize when you do this:
I asked Mother what to do.---here, "Mother" is used as a title.
But here, do not capitalize:
Like all immigrants my mother...
Also, use an apostrophe:
Like all immigrants my mother's parents thought the streets of America were paved in gold.
didn't come easily for...
down pour
downpour
Through each of my pa
rents' lives, they have...
:-)
My Aunt Babe always says to my dad, "It shows how you have
but my parents' values...
I think your parents will enjoy this!!
