Hey fellas. I would appreciate any feedback on this essay. Critiques, thoughts, ideas are all welcome. Thanks!
Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My parents had always been like the Sun - the center of my life around which my thoughts and actions revolved around. Providing me with light, guidance, and warmth, they watched over me and kept me anchored in their gravitational sphere, making certain that I never went astray or awry. This was the security I had grown under, and this parental supervision was something I had taken for granted; like the Sun or the other stars in the sky, I always expected my parents to be there, unchanging and static.
But regardless of how long they live and how accustomed we grow to their presence, all stars must die. Sometimes it is the long drawn out process until only a neutron star remains, while other times it is with the force of a fiery supernova explosion; my parents' divorce was a bit of both. But regardless of how stars end, their demise means the end of order for the celestial bodies orbiting it. I was dropped into a world of chaos I had never known before, a previously unimaginable place of family clashes between parents in which I was stuck in the middle. Like a planet lost in space, unsure of its proper place, I was constantly in limbo between falling under the orbit of my mother or that of my father. The unanswerable question of which parent to live with became an everyday struggle as I wrestled with the idea of living with only one parent and alienating the other.
But as I look back, I am glad for this struggle, for it taught me much. The world didn't end as I expected it to and I managed to escape the confusion of disorder and to even find my own rightful spot in the universe. The absence of my parents led to new, stronger, and more meaningful relationships with people that helped to fill the gap my parents left. This disorder also taught me to take the unexpected twists and turns of life as they come, and I now have the confidence in knowing that I can endure whatever else life has in store for me.
But most importantly, I learned to rely on myself. All parents must leave their children's lives eventually, and mine simply exited in a messier fashion. I still love both my parents dearly, and I never did choose one parents to live with, deciding instead to hold them both equally close to me. But my astronomical position is not somewhere in transition between them. I have since discovered that if my parents were the star I relied upon in the past, I am now my own star. My decisions and belief about who I am no longer revolve around my parents, but around myself, thanks to the self-awareness I've gained from this struggle.
The idea that you have is superb, nonetheless, you are not making a strong impression.
From reading this essay, I know more about how the solar system works, then relative to how your mother and father's possible divorce will effect you and how this motivates you to become whatever it is you wish to pursue. This is a prompt designed to GET TO KNOW YOU, not an assignment to create a long metaphore/analogy. You don't have to force big, uncomfortable vocabulary into areas where simple words & structures work best. For example : " I wondered what the repercussions of this apocalypse would be".
You also need to SHOW, not tell.
An example of telling :Sue walked around the block a few times and decided to sit on the curb.
An example of showing: Sue paced along the cement lined sidewalk until she reached the end of the block. She glanced at the curb and to her it just looked so comfortable after walking the block many times.
Don't misunderstand. You have VERY good select sentences that SHOW, but the important sentences that portray who you are, are very weak and abstract.
The saying goes family before friends, but I see this as a false statement.
This sentence is irrelevant as it stands with the rest of your essay. Again, you should be talking about yourself, not about cliches and there association with your family.
The first two paragraphs are very thoughtful and well written, you manage to draw the readers with your creative writing style. I think you may strengthen your point more by talking about how you learnt to be your own star in the last two paragraphs : make it tangible, show how that has changed you. You need to show not tell
"The absence of my parents led to new, stronger, and more meaningful relationships with people that helped to fill the gap my parents left. This disorder also taught me to take the unexpected twists and turns of life as they come, and I now have the confidence in knowing that I can endure whatever else life has in store for me. " This is a very good point, elaborate on how you are ready for life's turns and twists- the fact that you know you survived your parents divorced? Or the fact that you can rely on yourself?
"I am now my own star. My decisions and belief about who I am no longer revolve around my parents, but around myself, thanks to the self-awareness I've gained from this struggle." This may be reworded differently. Overall beautiful essay!
thanks for the input. ill change my essay to incorporate those
Beautiful essay. Very well written.
