Hello I was wondering if someone could correct and critique my personal statement for prompt #1? Theres not much time left and I want to make sure Im sending something good. Thank you very much
Describe the world you come from - for example, your
family, community or school - and tell us how your world
has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
For years I focused on school and my academic career without a clear objective or purpose to why I did so. My parents are Mexican immigrants who came to this country in search of a better life for themselves and more specifically for my brother and I. Like many others with the same family background, I was told by my parents to work hard in school in order to obtain a better future. I found that many of my friends, like I did, wondered why they were consistently told that and questioned why we should do what we were told. There were plenty who simply didn't do what they were told but a few that went on to excel academically. Although they made different choices, they all discarded that wonder and search for purpose in their decision. I chose to strive towards academic excellence but never stopped questioning the purpose in doing so.
I remember a few times that I went to work with my dad during the weekends. I would go to help him in his construction job. He had a hard laborious job that required tremendous hard work and it seemed as if the rewards for doing his job were not enough. One Saturday afternoon, after a long day of work, he told me that he doesn't work so he can have a better life, his true reward for his work is seeing my brother and I succeed and obtain a better future. I realized then that my parents coming to this country was an act of selflessness. It was my responsibility to take advantage of that opportunity and chase a better life which many don't do and many don't have the chance to do so.
With this realization, I learned to be an individual who doesn't just accept what is told to me. In my community, academics aren't necessarily encouraged because of the low economic status and racial background. We are told that we have a smaller chance to be successful. Even though, that only motivated me to try even harder to prove that the economic status of a person or race does not determine their success. I was often insulted by classmates because of the effort I placed into my education but I knew that the effort I put in was the solution to the problem that my community seems to not want to change. I learned that while facing a problem, the desire but also willingness to solve the problem is what results in a solution. Facing constant opposition and mistreatment from classmates, I relied on that belief and the desire to solve problems. Problem solving led me to world of math. Math became my passion and I found it unusually understandable and comprehensible compared to the other students in my school. Mathematics enhanced my desire to solve problems and garnered me into the field of engineering. Engineering was the way to incorporate my math to solve real life problems and issues in the world. I became involved in engineering programs after school and then I realized that engineering is what supports what I believe in and my desire to solve problems.
My family and my community make up my world. My community may not be encouraging or supportive but my family and their virtues have taught me that even when a problem seems impossible to solve, what matters is that one puts the effort and hard work to solve it.
Like many others with the same family background, I was told by my parents to work hard in school in order to obtain a better future
Like in many other immigrant families, I too was constantly encouraged to strive hard in academics in order to obtain a better future.I found that many of my friends, like I did, wondered why they were consistently told that and questioned why we should do what we were told.
I was one among many of my friends who frequently wondered why our parents were pushing us hard and expected us to follow their instructions.In my community, academics aren't necessarily encouraged because of the low economic status and racial background.
Above you say that children are encouraged to study and therefore this line is contradicting what you said above. So, you need to present it a bit differently.
