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my parents push me to work hard in school - Personal Statements

orange07245 1 / 6  
Nov 21, 2009   #1
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Some people may say that the world they originated from doesn't really resemble who they have
transformed into or what their educational intentions are. They have an urge to step away from
their tedious lives and alter themselves into their separate world. Conversely, I take a different
approach to this topic. I feel completely satisfied of where I have come from and the person who I have changed into. Having accepted where have I come from has absolutely inspired myself to make a difference and to carry on that ambition for the future.

Please feel free to make any comments!
pheelyks - / 19  
Nov 21, 2009   #2
alter themselves into their separate world

This doesn't make sense--a person cannot alter themselves into a world (i.e. they cannot change into a world; they can change their world, or their perspective of their world, or the person that they are). I understand what you mean, but you should put this more clearly.

While listening to my parents, it made me become aware that I can't let myself down and live such a sorrowful life.

Eventually, my mother always

Eventually makes no sense here.
seivert9 4 / 8  
Nov 21, 2009   #3
Some people may say that the world they originated from doesn't really resemble who they have
transformed into or what their educational intentions are.

This doesn't really seem to grab my attention from the start.

-Great work otherwise!
sweetpotato 1 / 2  
Nov 22, 2009   #4
there r some errors grammatically.

for example,
pronouns dont agree with their subjects in number
ex) one-they (thus, verbs too)

Additionally, I think more interesting introduction is needed.

dshay07 1 / 3  
Nov 22, 2009   #5
has absolutely inspired myself to make a difference
change "myself" to "me"

My mother always told my sister and I to be determined by working hard in anything we choose to do in order to have a splendid future ahead of us

You should rephrase this sentence. Try to avoid the word "splendid," I don't think it works very well in this sentence.

Change all of your contractions.. such as "can't" to "can not"

You should work on being more direct in your essay. For example, you may want to take a clearer direction. The first paragraph does not seem too relevent. You should use the first paragraph to talk about your mother and the ethics she has taught you.. maybe mention the influence of your mother as you grew up, and what kind of woman she is.

Just try to be more specific about your life, and definitely keep things relevant. You'll get there!!
Guest /  
Nov 22, 2009   #6
I would agree with some of the people above, try to get a more clear focus. A bit confusing on how the struggles came in, and then the rest of it seem tied to religion
LorxX099 4 / 10  
Nov 23, 2009   #7
Alright, it is overall a good essay. The first two sentences of the first paragraph are a little awkward so maybe rephrase them? Also, a sensual petal of a carnation? Sounds a little... corny, try using something else to describe yourself. Use more description in your essay because it is very listy and not very memorable.
mrdtt18 1 / 4  
Nov 23, 2009   #8
Honestly, it is a good essay with many good ideas. Yet, I would look for passive verbs, also known as "to be verbs". Without them, your essay will sound that much better. When I was editing my UC essay with my English class, the teacher told us to look for passive verbs on our essay. So, I have highlighted the verbs I could find. Good luck with your applications!!!

During my life, I have realized why my parents push me to work hard in school and to become a better person. They had arrived in America not knowing how to speak English and struggling to live a happy life. It was very crucial to my parents that their own children do not have to face the same struggles that they themselves had been confronted by. Listening to my parents, made me become aware that I can not let myself down and live such a sorrowful life. While keeping this in mind, I decided to throw my old clothes away and start my life fresh.

While growing up from childhood my parents taught me how to be religious, courageous, determined, and knowledgeable. From a small age, our mother would also teach us religious prayers and we would pray two times a day. She knew that God played a crucial role in our lives, plus I was continuously told that our actions and thoughts always reflected how we are portrayed. These were the vital elements that carried me on till now and has encouraged me to develop into a sensual petal of a carnation. Additionally, the way to become a better person is to perform good deeds, pay attention on our education, and to be religious. I came from a strict and a very affectionate family who believes that achieving goals and performing the best in school is tremendously important. I was taught all these moral and educational ideologies that would help me achieve internal satisfaction in any circumstances. My parents constantly encouraged me to do my highest potential (try my best?)in school by receiving acceptable grades and they advised me that they would do anything to help me achieve educational success. All these ideas were taught so I could be the one in charge of my future and I would be able to live life to the fullest.

Likewise, I am aware that many things in life can be challenging but I assure myself that everything will pay off after college with that ever lasting motivation. My family's encouragement helps me envision that I am capable of reaching any dream or passion that I have a positive attitude towards. Like my parents, I have constantly heeded education and moral values as worthy portions of my life. Furthermore, I have that confidence in myself that will let me attain my goals and to strive harder for everything in life.

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