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"Parents Shaping My Future" -UC Prompt

BlahBlahBlah 1 / 3  
Nov 5, 2011   #1
UC Essay 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As I flutter in and out of sleep, I hear a muffled sound of shuffling footsteps and water running in the bathroom sink. I look through my window and see an orange glow light up in the dark sky. I then glance to my right and see as the clock strikes six o'clock. My parents are up bright and early like every other morning preparing for yet another day at work. In about an hour I hear them head down the stairs and out the house. After a grueling day at work at about six pm my parents are pulling up to the driveway. As they walk in the house, signs of exhaustion and fatigue are shown across their faces, yet the next morning I hear again the muffled sound of shuffling footsteps and water running in the bathroom sink.

My parents have had a large influence on my dreams and aspirations. When I was younger I would watch as day to day they would diligently wake up in the morning and go to work no matter how they were feeling. It was then that I made a goal to be like them when I grew older. As I grew older, I began to understand the importance of good work ethic. Watching my parents being so hardworking and determined allowed me to have a great example to carry out how I worked. I applied the same qualities that my parents have to my education.

My parents are always there to encourage me through my various activities whether it is to cheer at my basketball game, support me at an award night, or motivate me for a test. They are always there to push me to do my best. They make me want to strive be a better me. Their encouragement gives me the motivation to succeed. Knowing that they believe in me to do and be whatever I want, allows me to have a stronger belief in myself. They constantly remind me that nothing is impossible. If you can think it you can do it. I can achieve anything I want, if I put in the hard work and effort.

My parents have been a large factor in shaping my dreams and aspirations. They have served as excellent models of hard work and have been a source of encouragement and support. They encouraged me through elementary school, middle school, high school, and soon college. They have pushed me throughout these thirteen years in my education and I know they will continue to push me and encourage me in my future endeavors. Through the guidance and support of my parents I know my dreams will soon be realities and my aspirations, accomplishments.

adamduun 1 / 3  
Nov 6, 2011   #2
So can you tell me what it is you need help with??? As what i can see you have written the assignment correctly. Is it on purpose you didn't leave a question???
OP BlahBlahBlah 1 / 3  
Nov 6, 2011   #3
Oh sorry, I just wanted some feedback on maybe what I could improve or add. I just needed more point of views from other people to look at my essay and kind of tell me whether I should maybe edit it some more or if it's good enough to submit to colleges or not.
wendywing 2 / 1  
Nov 6, 2011   #4
maybe it's better to change the sentence structure a bit more for the first sentence of each paragraph. ^^
OP BlahBlahBlah 1 / 3  
Nov 6, 2011   #5
Thanks I was kind of thinking that too so that it can flow better. Other than that would you say that it's a good essay for colleges?
iamzj 3 / 8  
Nov 6, 2011   #6
I agree with wendywing, and you can add some various conjunctions.
lisa6394 4 / 7  
Nov 6, 2011   #7
More about your yourself, instead of your "my parents." Remember, they're admitting you, not your parents. Talk about yourself. Open up more.
PurpleBear 2 / 6  
Nov 7, 2011   #8
I really like how your essay begins! Its very interesting!
But I agree with lisa6394, you should try to add more about yourself.
OP BlahBlahBlah 1 / 3  
Nov 7, 2011   #9
Thanks! All your suggestions really help. :)

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