Here's my essay:
My parents stimulated my interest in mathematics when I was a young child. Because my parents are immigrants unfamiliar with English, mathematics was the only subject familiar to them that they could teach me, and so they did staring when I was in first grade. During my educational career, I've always spent my afterschool evenings doing homework and studying before relaxing; my peers, however, chose fun and games over education and consequentially were unprepared for exams. Disappointingly, I chose to aid my peers ...
After edits:
As a child my parents always told me to do the right thing, and up until 8th grade the right thing had seemed obvious to me. Throughout my educational career, I've spent my afterschool evenings studying before relaxing; my peers, however, chose fun and games over education and consequentially were unprepared for exams. Disappointingly, I chose to aid my peers during exams, despite it being unethical. I believed that I was doing the right thing my parents said I should; I soon found-out however that I wasn't.
In 8th grade, my math teacher Mr. Paul was aware that students were cheating off of me during exams. One day, as he passed by me, he said "You're not helping your classmates by giving them the answers." I pretended that I didn't know what he was referring to. He and I both knew I was lying. I became unhappy with my decision; I've always maintained a healthy relationship with my math teachers because math was the subject that my parents taught me since 1st grade. My parents immigrated to the United States in 1990, and mathematics was the only subject familiar to them that they could teach me. My teacher-student relationship was now on the line. Not only was I participating in educational dishonesty, but I was also displaying a lack of integrity to my instructors and peers.
After Mr. Paul let me know that he was aware of what was occurring, he began to isolate me during exams. Consequentially, my peers' grades plummeted. It was disconcerting to watch my peers fail. Although I wasn't the source of their problem, I had become part of the problem, and thus I was obliged to be part of the solution.
As I contemplated on how I would redeem myself, I recalled a quote told to me by a teacher, "Give a man a fish, he'll eat today, teach a man to fish he'll eat for the rest of his life". I then realized that if I just gave my peers answers, they would forever require help. However if I instead explained the approach to the problem, they would no longer require my help, and be able to solve It by themselves.
The very next day I asked my friend Eimy if she wanted me to tutor her. She responded with a smile, and declared yes; so I did. It felt great to see Mr. Paul smiling at Eimy and me while handing out her first 100. My tutoring had paid off; I was able to instill confidence into my friend and gain Mr. Paul's trust back, while sharing my passion for mathematics with Eimy. I didn't stop tutoring after Eimy; I continued and tutored my other peers as well.
After seeing my peers excel the true definition of help became clear. True help is the devotion of time to serve others, not the giving of answers or objects. I can proudly say that I've done what my parents wanted, the right thing.
Critique please.
I edited my essay to reflect the changes you suggested.
As a child my parents always told me to do the right thing, and up until 8th grade the right thing had seemed obvious to me. Throughout...
...
Thanks for the advice, Is there anything else I can do to improve it?
As a child, I (did something)...
As children, my parents did something...
But don't do this: As a child, my parents...
"As a child" refers to the person you are about to write a verb about. :-)
When I was a child my parents always told me
Sometimes adverbs make sentences worse. Most of the time, actually. Disappointingly I chose to aid my peers during exams, ...
No need to include the name... it detracts from the reader's experience:
In 8th grade, m My math teacher Mr. Paul was aware that students were cheating off of me during exams. One day, as he passed
This is a good place for a colon:
...say that I've done what my parents wanted: the right thing.
This essay is great!
