Hi everyone, I have written this essay . It is a rough draft and it would be splendid if you guys could check it out. I promise to return the favor.
When I was very young, I dreamed of being a princess. When I became a little older, I dreamed of being a zookeeper. But now, when people ask me what my dreams are, I have only one answer "I have a dream that I will solve the world's energy crisis. I have a dream that I will make my parents proud. I have a dream that I will contribute".
Despite living away from of my native land, I never truly left my kindred. I see India as a diverse country, with unique dialects, traditions and cultures. It is also, one of the most rapidly developing countries and its technology is expanding in leaps and bounds. But, at the same time, I view India as one great paradox - as our nation advances in the world, our poverty increases; as my country finds new resources, she also faces an impending energy crisis; as the rich get richer, the poor, only get poorer. There are some people that are given a lucky set of numbers in life and there are some, who aren't. In Bahrain, being exposed to my school's multicultural environment made me realize that our lives can be as infinite as we wish them to be and so, there can be millions of numbers with every person's set. Hence, I want to ensure that an equilibrium exists between the two groups, that instead of an energy crisis, we face an energy breakthrough, instead of a disparity in livelihood, quality of living improves; that instead of having a million numbers in the set, they can have a million plus one.
My parents are my support- they bolster my ambitious dreams and encourage me to do my best and put in my 100% at everything I do. Sitting with them while watching the news, or in a classroom, where I am learning about the same made me realize just how imminent and how extensive the problems we face really are. Thus, I am inspired to contribute to society and do my bit - whether it is to refine pharmaceuticals to improve healthcare systems or develop safer methods for using nuclear energy. I want to help build a stable society and therein lie my reasons for choosing a chemical engineering major. Chemical engineers have knowledge about subjects as varied as engineering to management and economics and gain an analytical and technical understanding of the world and its components - it's chemistry and biochemistry. Thus, I believe it to be the course that will help me get a head start on my dreams. I believe it to be the course best for me. So one day, when I am on the cover of newspapers worldwide for enabling alternative energy and medical resources to be feasible and available to all, I will be seen as someone who's made her mark on this world by daring to dream big.
Any help will be really appreciated :) I think my essay is really mainstream so any advice or criticism ..please do share it with me :)
Thanks once again
I think this is a great essay! I think it is well written. I have two critiques. First is your introduction. I think you need to start it off differently. Maybe just talk about your current goal to contribute. I wouldn't have the dream of being a princess in there because it's every girls dream when they are young. The second critique I have is about your last sentence. Maybe try wording it differently. It just seems a little awkward.
Other than that it's awesome:)
This is a great essay with good insight about living in India and comparing it to life here. I have no ideas for changes for you, it was well written.
Thank you so much for reading through it :D I was just wondering though if it adheres to the topic? Also, is it too mainstream? even if i remove the line about the "princess"?
Here's a guideline for answering this question;
1. Remember what "influence" means.
Influence is defined as, "the action or process of producing effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of another..." The fact that you admire someone doesn't necessarily mean they've influenced you. There needs to be some action or change in your actions, behavior or opinions. That means you'll need to give specific examples of those things. Deciding to improve your behavior in school, visiting a particular college you previously refused to see, spending more time volunteering at the soup kitchen-if you did those things because of someone else, that's influence.
2. Don't choose this prompt to try to sound impressive.
The Common Application actually gives you five choices of essay prompts. A lot of students who choose this one write about a famous activist, politician, or someone else notable in an effort to sound impressive. Again, you have to remember what "influence" means. The admissions committee doesn't need to be convinced that Martin Luther King or Gandhi are admirable. Unless you can point to specific examples of how someone famous really has affected your actions, behavior or opinions, choose someone else (or chose a different topic).
3. Focus on the influence, not the person.
The exact wording of the question is, "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." The subtext there is that you shouldn't spend the entire essay describing why this person is so wonderful. Spend the essay talking about you-your behavior, actions and beliefs-and how those have changed or strengthened as a result of this person's influence.
4. Write an essay nobody else could write.
An essay about how your mother has inspired you to work hard is a nice essay. But it will read exactly like hundreds of other students' essays. Instead, be specific. Give details. Write an essay that no other student could write. And if it's about your mom, give enough specific examples so that nobody else's essay about their own mother will be quite like yours.
You can find even more advice in our video, "How to Write Great College Essays." It's $12.99 and available as a streaming download.
