I would appreciate feedback on these essays. Spelling and grammatical corrections are good, but I would really like an honest estimate on how well I answer the prompt, and if you think I have a chance of being accepted. I also would like to know the tone of this essay is good, and if I need to add more detail, etc.
1.Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
A few years ago, I believed that I was fated to follow in my parents' footsteps. Neither of my parents have finished college, and both of them have careers which they dislike. I had thought that I was guaranteed to make the same choices as them, and end up unhappy. I soon learned, however, that this is not true, and that I can learn from their experiences to try to better myself.
When my father applied to college he was not yet prepared for the amount of effort it required. After attending for about a semester, he eventually dropped out and returned home. There, he started working in a grocery store, always maintaining that he would go back once he was "ready." Unfortunately, he never could muster up the will to do so, and now, several years later, he has a demanding job that he does not care for. He now wishes he could have pursued the degree in Film Studies that he wanted when he had the chance. My father's experience has shown me the importance of being determined and not hesitant or lazy.
My mother has a much different story. She is from Palau, a small island country in the Pacific Ocean. There, many people don't even graduate from middle school, let alone high school, but my mother was able to work through and graduate from high school. After graduating, she left for the United States to seek better opportunities than the ones offered on the island. She eventually decided she wanted to become a nurse, and tried to attend a local community college. She had much difficulty, though, because English is her second language. She, like my father, dropped out and didn't go back for several years. She then worked in several low-paying nurse's assistant jobs, until just this last year, where she decided to go back once and for all to get her Registered Nurse certification. Seeing my mother balance school work as well as her difficult job has shown me that I can do anything if I work hard enough.
My parents' mistakes have lead them to push me to do well academically, which I have tried to do to the best of my ability. They have also stressed the benefits of a college education, and how it is important not to wait or put things off because they are difficult. I have taken these things to heart, and that is why I am so determined to go to college, to try to improve my life in the long run.
I have also motivated myself by observing my parents' hard-working qualities. Once my father buckled down, he was able to obtain a managerial position in the grocery chain he works for, and is considered one of the best in the district. My mother has shown me how diligence and effort can help some one reach their goal, in her case, a nursing degree.
However I have realized that I need to apply these qualities, now rather than later, to get a degree and find a career I like. My parents' tendencies and choices don't have to be mine as well; in fact I can learn from them and make the right choices. Through my own perseverance and commitment, I will be able to decide my level of success in life.
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This one I had more trouble with. The intro isn't very good, and I think the examples are kind of weak.
Again, how well do you think I answered the prompt on this one?
2Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am not a person of many talents or abilities, but one of my good qualities is my tendency to be perfectionist. I am someone who has to have things just right, or else I will try very hard to get as close to perfect as possible.
For example, my perfectionism is one of the main reasons why I try to do well academically. It irks me to get any grade lower than a B, because that would mean that I am not doing my best to make things perfect. This leads me to work hard to keep my grades where I want them.
More specifically, my tendency to have things "just so" sets up a certain standard for a lot of the things that I do. I try to do well on most projects, and to make each one unique and worthwhile. Also, even if I'm not very good at something, I will set personal standards that I strive to meet. An example of this would be when I was on my school's cross-country team. I am not a very fast runner, nor am I good at running for long periods of time, However, I tried the whole season to reach small, personal goals, like getting to a certain best time and slightly improving my stamina. When I met these goals, I was satisfied and able to feel proud of myself. Having high standards in general helps me to create or do things that I can take pride in.
Additionally, when I do something less than perfectly, I will strive to either restart and fix my mistakes, or I will try hard to make the next thing just right. For instance, in my Honors English class, we were asked to do an extensive art project. I put this assignment off until the last minute, and as a result I got a bad grade on the assignment. I was irritated and embarrassed to turn in the bad project in the first place, so the bad grade on it was the final motivator to do well on the next art project. I ended up starting that one early. I planned it out and put a lot of effort into making it look good. In the end, I ended up with something very distinctive and visually appealing, and I received and A+ on the piece. This is the most I have ever gotten on an art assignment, and my teacher even kept the assignment as an example to show future classes.
My preciseness is a personal trait which has helped me to do well in many aspects of my life, because it adds a personal motivation to things which are difficult or impersonal. It is this motivation which helps me to do and make things as close to perfect as I can.
Hi, Ariana =)
I think u answered the 1st prompt very well, you gave a very lucid as well as relevant example of how ur parents' experiences have inspired you to surpass them and make a better future for yourself.
And about the 2nd essay,it's also relevant to the prompt, don't worry, u answered it quite well. It's just the first sentence that I think might give a little put off to the admission officers, although it's good to be humble, but I don't think u should mention that u don't have many talents or abilities, just go right away telling about ur perfectionism. I think the rest is good=)
He now wishes he could have pursued the degree in Film Studies ----Tell your father he is able to create films easily, now, because computers make it easy to do... he can make a great documentary, or he can write a script. College is good, but it is not necessary for artistic expression.
My parents' mistakes have lead led them to push me to
I will be able to decide my level of success in life.---I like the way you ended this first essay!
...to reach small, personal goals, like getting to a certain best time and slightly improving my stamina. ---I understand what you are saying, but I think this example is too simple. Improving one's time is what all cross country runners do.
Actually, it seems like this second essay is about all kinds of topics. You should choose one experience to focus on... just think of it this way: What experience could I write about in a way that shows how strongly I feel about the kind of difference I would like to make in my chosen field?
Additionally, when I do something less than perfectly, I will strive to either restart ---don't strive to restart. You either do or you don't...
I will either restart and fix my mistakes or try hard to make the next thing just right.
I think precision is a better word than preciseness. Another way to express it is "diligence" or "attention to detail." But I think it is important for you to choose one experience and make it the focus of the essay.... describe it, and then spend time reflecting on how it affects the "person you are," which is related to you major you will choose and the profession you will enter.
:-)
