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"my parents were truly disappointed in me" - Common Application Essay

silvercat 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2010   #1
Anyone Pleaaassseeeee!!! give me advise on how to make my essay better;
Heres the Prompt:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I need brutal advice!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- I set in my bed, not wanting to think about anything. This time my parents were truly disappointed in me. I had passed the limit. Not only had been suspended from school I and sent to another educational institution for a period of time, I had also failed to heed the advice of the people I new. Everything I had done just comes pouring down on me and my reasoning starts to unfold. I realize I've messed up.

In retrospect I find that I wasn't born with the most privileges; I wasn't born in the most affluent neighborhood and both my mom and dad came from a ranch where planting crops was valued over than education. Living in these conditions just wasn't the most fortunate situation but I always wanted to perform my best in school. The moment I though I was on the right path, problems both at school and at home began to effect me. At home my parents were going through some conflict and my determination in school began to wilt. I would leave when I wasn't feeling "right" and began following friends who where usually older than me. In a way I was living a double life; I was a trouble student but I would also set limits and never cross them. I would leave school, probably go to someone's house but I knew not to do drugs. I found it easy to live this way since many people who I socialized with did. After some time of being a follower, I ended influencing other people. Yea, for a moment I felt like I had the stage, but I still felt vacant. I finished my freshmen year with a GPA close to 1 and earned a credit. At one point my Assistant Principal searched through my records to send me to another educational institution and by accident saw my elementary records. Seeing my commanded performances on test and how involved I was in school, he promised me that somehow I would change before the year was over; but before he could, he moved to be the principal of another school.

Couple of weeks before school ended I lost one of my closest friends and so practically stayed in my room. Over the next weeks everything started pouring back over me like cold water. I though I had the stage but how was the curtains now closing on me? Pondering over the situation I was in, I determinedly pick up my bible next to my bed and started reading nonstop. The more I read the more I loved it. I felt like a burden I was carrying was just unmounting. It took sometime to realize I had control of my own fate and so to prove it I began by making good grades the following year. Humbling myself was the toughest part. I hardly had time to talk to anyone and was alone most of the time; I couldn't fathom how I ended up in this place. I spent my next summer in school and doing other activities. I was a grade behind but I took summer classes, additional online classes, credit by exams, and also self studied some courses. I routinely went to my counselor's office for further advice. It still seemed though that the further I was from my freshmen year the more I regretted it. I know I made mistakes, but now I find it outstanding to see how much a progressed since then.

This has been a journey that has allowed me to explore my abilities to persist, humble myself, and control my future. It hasn't broken me but rather has allowed me to show my potential. Now as a senior I've eliminated all of the traces of freshmen year except for my GPA and some people who I knew back then and are surprised to see me again. When they ask what happened, I don't hesitate to answer; I actually enjoy giving speeches at different schools including my old Assistance Principal's. I've learned that even though one doesn't have the privilege to choose where there born and raised, one does have control over his or her own fate.

Thanks all of yall <-- I'm from texas:)
Ngozi93 3 / 30  
Dec 21, 2010   #2
Hey I love the idea of your essay and it definitely have the potential to be great. However it can go two ways, is either you talk about your friend or your parents. I think you should talk more about your friend and his passing. Simply focus on that one thing and describe the impact it had on you. Also mention how he or she inspired you to want to do better in school if you can if not then its okay as well. Also describing your parents about being disappointed in you seems to me as cliche because I bet alot of other applicants are writng the same. My advice is to start off with a story or dialgue if you must between your friend and you or you can just talk about how you two met and grew up with each other. And in the end describe your emotions you had when he passed away and reflecting back on it now. ( its important to make your story vivid and descriptive)

hey sorry for your lost....
OP silvercat 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2010   #3
Thanks for the advice. I like the idea of starting off with a dialogue with my friend. I'll do that.
Ngozi93 3 / 30  
Dec 22, 2010   #4
hey no problem:)

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