I just want to know how this essay looks and how it could be improved if need be. Thanks.
PROMPT:In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
The formation of Event Horizon was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. It all started freshman year, in study hall. My friend Alex Gammon and I were talking about music one day when he told me he played the guitar. I promptly responded that I played the bass guitar and that we should form a band. Back then I had just met future bandmates Robby Sutton and Jeremy Probst who told me that they played instruments (the guitar and the drums, respectively), so I arranged that we all meet in my garage the next Friday and learn the song "Bring it on Home" by Led Zeppelin. From the instant that the opening riff was played on that fateful day, I knew that this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
One of the things I learned from Event Horizon that will definitely help me at UF was how to collaborate with my peers. We would balance out each other. There were many times where Robby, the rhythm guitarist, would play off time and I would signal to him with my foot the correct time while playing. There were also many times where we were to cover a song that I absolutely despised, but I looked beyond myself and told myself it as for the good of Event Horizon.
Another quality that will help me at UF is initiative, which, if I didn't have, our band wouldn't even be together. It took a lot of ambition to get our first gig at "Riverview's got Talent," our school talent show, in which we placed third. There were also many obstacles that we had to overcome, like only having one band member with a driver's license. I had the drive to arrange rides home to make sure that we got adequate practice in before gigs. I was also and still am enthusiastic about learning new material and bettering myself.
Another thing that will help me at UF is creativity. Creativity is the cornerstone of the band. Writing songs like "Hard to Sleep" and "Chill" with my bandmates really expanded my creativity. Jeremy (our drummer) and I co-designed our current logo so we could put it on flyers, posters, and banners to advertise our band to the masses. I also exercised creativity in coming up with the name Event Horizon. The name is based on the event horizon of a black hole, which is the threshold that, once past it, nothing, not even light, can escape. This refers to the magnetic quality of our music, as our music draws people in.
The experience of being a part of Event Horizon since its inception has taught me many things, including collaboration, initiative, and creativity. I aim to use these skills at the University of Florida to study Mechanical Engineering and quench my everlasting thirst for knowledge.
My friend Alex Gammon and I were talking about music, and one day when he told me he played the guitar.
Back then I had just met future bandmates, Robby Sutton and Jeremy Probst who told me that they played instruments, (the guitar and the drums, respectively) , so I arranged that we all meet in my garage the next Friday and learn the song "Bring it on Home" by Led Zeppelin. ---Good choice!!
...the beginning of a beautiful relationship.---Yuck! This is a cliche.
One of the things lessons I learned from---Try not to use the word "things." Some words are just weak.
I took out the names, and I took out some other unnecessary details. The trick is to ask yourself what experience you want the reader to have while reading this essay. the names of the people are not usually important in a story like this... So, focus on what is most important. What is the most important insight?
:-)
