I am exhausted. I feel numerous drops of sweat traveling throughout my body, teasing and tickling me. I look around. I see other people sweating equally. Some are hammering their thumb instead of the nail, a couple clumsily doing it more than once, some frightened to climb up the roof to put the shingles, others horrified to come down. Suddenly, I hear everybody violently belching out to Tim McGraw, unfortunately, not in unison, and then arrives a roar of laughter. As a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, I realize, this is what I yearn for each year; this wonderful allegory of camaraderie. There is not a single hint of picayune problem lurking over anyone's face. I observe the haggard looking yet incredibly jaunty students conscientiously working to build homes for families they have never met. Restoration of compassion and hope takes over, humbling me and everyone else. As I decide to be a part of this exhilarating project for a long time, I smile and keep on toiling away happily.
Sorry to say, I really didn't understand your idea. It may be a mistake on my part but I still didn't not get it. :)
Your descriptions are very strong, very vivid. Unfortunately, though I understand what you are conveying, it's a bit blurry. I get the main idea, and I like the way you are painting the image, but maybe laying down the foundation of what you are involved with exactly (describe your role in Habitat for Humanity in the beginning?) will help. Good luck! I'm sure if you'll do fine. The vision is there, but it's lacking a strong foundation, in a sense.
Thank you so much for the feedbacks. I tried to do my best because the word limit kind of stresses me out. I will definetely work with your guys' suggestions.
I agree with others that you have very strong vocabulary and grammar, but submitting such an essay can be risky because it may either be seen as a very outstanding one or an extremely vague one... I guess that is why many people still choose to write essays in a bland but safer way... like me... Anyway I think you definitely will be able to make it clearer while keeping it within word limit.
btw I have trimmed my PS down by 300 words, still long but hopefully better. Do take a look when you have time. Thanks in advance!
It is a bit confusing to understand.
I think you should work on your word choice
and also be alittle less wordy, it distracts the readers from getting your focal point.
Other than that, it sounds really good
Thanks guys. I already submitted this supplementary essay but next time, i will definetely take your guys' suggestions under consideration.
