In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
(Start)
A significant accomplishment of mine that comes to mind is being part-owner of a business. I own 20% of my local Tae Kwon Do school and it has given me insight into the business world. The fact that I was deemed trustworthy to be given part-ownership, based on my dedication to the school, is an honor in itself but it has shown me the great responsibility of running a small business. It has taught me values and virtues that I will take with me throughout my college years and beyond.
What I can bring to the UF campus through this accomplishment is a strong foundation of leadership and responsibility. It taught me the determination and procedures needed in accomplishing tasks. Being part-owner has exposed me to the inner workings of the market and first hand experience to what it takes to compete in the business world.
As a part-owner of the Tae Kwon Do school and simply by just being a student, I have learned to be disciplined and respectful. These and other merits taught at the school are, sadly, vanishing in today's day and age. We teach honor, respect, discipline, patience, integrity and many other virtues in the school. Qualities such as these will be brought with me to the University of Florida.
Good time-management is another vital skill I have acquired through ownership and will help me acclimate to the new college life and schedule more smoothly than the average student. I have learned how to balance school with fun and friends, and in my case, also business, in an efficient way. As well as being adept in managing my time, the business has taught me to work well with others.
As a part-owner I am required to work with others and have learned how to both make my contributions and listen to ideas of another. I work and teach a variety of students of varying personality and backgrounds. Being able to compromise and work with my peers and colleagues is an important quality to have in today's culture.
It has taught me leadership skills that I have already taken with me to high school. I am vice president of the marine biology club and treasurer of the Spanish club. I have received a head start on qualities treasured in society today.
My accomplishment of being part-owner of a business is one of my grandest achievements. I am proud of it and have grown a lot because of it. It has taught me many values and a strong foundation to help me succeed as a college student.
(END)
What do you guys think?
This is a brainstorming process, but the essay will take form as you refine these ideas.
You are 20% owner of the school, but this fact takes up 90% of the essay. It is great, but you can do better if you make your role as instructor/part owner 20% of the meaning of the essay so that it leaves room for a greater theme.
For example, you can make a theme out of a particular lesson you learned the hard way, and you can tell how that lesson would be applied by someone entering the field you intend to enter (or completing the major you choose). Talk about being part owner as a means to an end, not as an end in itself. This essay and your application are celebrations of the school and steps into a particular field... so make them central to the meaning. Talk about your intentions for the future.
Try to not repeat "part owner" so many times. I think I see it repeated 6 times. See what I mean? Refer to it once and give a sentence or two of explanation, but then move on. However, keep a central theme... something very interesting.
I am vice president of the marine biology club and treasurer of the Spanish club.--- this is great. It shows that you are not only a martial artist but also that you take leadership roles in other ways.
So... as you revise, concentrate on one very cool theme. Something interesting for the reader. What I think of is "A lesson learned the hard way." But I don't know why that comes to mind for me...
:-)
