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"The Party" National Merit/Common App Essay


ingenium 5 / 13  
Oct 4, 2010   #1
Describe an experience you have had and why it is meaningful to you.

"Knock, Knock", "Is anyone home", I bellowed at the top of my voice, and saw the fog rising from my lips. Even the bleak and chilly winter afternoon could not dampen my enthusiasm, as this was the moment I had been waiting for an entire month. The air was still, as if it was waiting with mirrored anticipation for an answer from inside the house. Today was my first birthday party for Hospice, and if not for the excitement, I may have realized the significance of the event. After what seemed like an entire day the door half opened and the wrinkled, pale hands of a woman beckoned my group and I in. At first I noticed the pugnacious odor that hung around the house and the numerous cat hair shedding's littered on the wooly floor. In the dimly lit room, I could now discern the face of an old fragile woman, wearing a flower patterned shirt, sitting in a stern manner in the timeless arm chair in the corner, almost in an identical pose as my own grandmother. Consulting the patient sheet, I realized that she was 99 years old. Wow! I thought, she is very active for 99, as the house, except for the occasional cat shedding on the floor, was in pristine condition. The usual pleasantries were exchanged between us and the patient and then it happened. I will never forget how she began the story that changed her life and mine.

"The Albanian throne was once mine". Angela, the patient, had once been part of the ruling family as the princess of Albania. She was forced to flee the country when the communists overthrew the government, making Angela and her family political prisoners. During the escape, Angela was separated from her family and has not seen them in over sixty years.

At the time, the story was as chilly as the weather outside and it still gives me goose bumps when I think about it. While to Angela it may have just been another retelling of the story, to me it was a cathartic experience that made me realize that there are many trivialities in life, the pugnacious odor in the house that I focus on rather than the big picture. Now instead of micro managing every small detail of my life, I changed to a macro management approach. For example, rather than writing a to do list for a specific day, I make weekly and monthly goals that have to be met. This allows me to have more fluidity in my life and still accomplish the important tasks. Macro management has also applied itself to clubs at school. In debate, when arguing a case I can now anticipate rebuttals from the opponent and plan accordingly. I can account the application of macro management to at least five victories in debate. This change in lifestyle while seeming trivial, has allowed me to reprioritize my life and reduce stress. I have continued to visit Angela on a fairly regular basis and have a formed a strong connection akin to one of a grandmother and grandson and it strengthens as she continues to tell me more life stories. I will never experience a catharsis or change in lifestyle as extreme as the first visit, but I continue to improve my life with the stories she tells me.
joliefille - / 1  
Oct 4, 2010   #2
Hey!

This is a pretty good essay, however, I would recommend that you take what you learned from Angela, who sounds absolutely fascinating, and apply it specifically to college/National Merit/whatever you're using this essay for. The last paragraph talks about the lesson learned in pretty general terms, it might be better if you applied it something specific.
OP ingenium 5 / 13  
Oct 4, 2010   #3
Hey!

Thanks for the response. I am slightly confused by what you mean when you say apply to national merit? For example, for UF prompt states to apply your experience to college, however the national merit prompt states to explain why it is meaningful for me, so I tried to keep it broad and in the context of change sin my life. Any clarification of what to apply it to would be appreciated. Also I did a revision so here is the better version

Read above
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 7, 2010   #4
Today was my first birthday party for Hospice

Can you give a sentence to explain a bit more what you mean? This part confused me.
I understand now, but I did not understand until I had read the whole essay.

"The Albanian throne was once mine". Angela, the patient, had once been part of the ruling family as the princess of Albania.---- wow, fascinating!!

At the time, the story was as chilly as the weather outside, and it still gives me goose bumps when I think about it. ---- this is a good simile, and I am impressed by your eloquence. I added a comm, though.

In debate, when arguing a case I can now anticipate rebuttals from the opponent and plan accordingly. --- excellent, it is especially good when you say something to geta rebuttal to which you can quickly respond by making an excellent point.

:-)
whomp123 6 / 36  
Dec 23, 2010   #5
I really like this essay.
I was curious for a little bg info on Angela though.

At the beginning, I had a difficult time connecting with Angela and the pains that she had experienced in her childhood. Now, when I returned to volunteer, I related with her and the other patients and families on an entirely new level.

I also didnt understand why your uncle's death helped you connect with Angela.

Also, I don't know if this is a contradiction but:

The decision was difficult, but in the end I decided to sacrifice my comfort in order to gain patient experience. + my love of helping others.

Did you help because you wanted experience and then found a love for doing it?

It is a little unclear
OP ingenium 5 / 13  
Dec 23, 2010   #6
Thank you for all the responses!

Ironically I did have a bit of background written in, but I decided to take it out because it seemed to not have any direct connection to the story. Here is the background info, could you tell me if I should add it in before the paragraph beginning with "As I was helping"

She was forced to flee the country when the communists overthrew the government, and her family became political prisoners. In escaping, Angela was separated from her family and had not seen them in over sixty years; however, last year she was finally reunited with her brother.

Anymore suggestions would be much appreciated!


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