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"the passing of my father" - proof read and help expanding - One meaningful event


blackasaurus 1 / -  
Feb 10, 2011   #1
Just need a quick read through and help expanding, thank you

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative (400-500 words) in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

One meaningful event in my life that had a large impact on how I view and value education was the passing of my father, this occurred approximately eleven years ago. It left my mother as the sole provider for my entire family consisting of me and my three siblings. While I have always considered her to be a very determined and hard working person, which helped immensely, the one true life-altering factor that gave my mother the means to support our family was her education.

Before my father passed away my mother decided to pursue a degree and studied to become a lawyer. Without a career such as the one she has now she would not have been financially prepared to sustain a family of five by herself. It is through this that I learned how valuable the rigorous work needed to achieve a proper education really is. And these are the values that drive me to make decisions such as choosing to enroll in harder courses, in the pursuit of knowledge, despite the fact that they could lower my GPA. I believe that this one event has truly changed my entire outlook on education and has helped shape the hard working and persistent person that I consider myself to be today.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 12, 2011   #2
The first sentence is a run on sentence.
You should take out, "This was about..." just take the whole sentence out. It is not necessary.

Okay, you have a great approach, and the thing to do is focus on YOUR plan. Use this as a starting point, but write about your own plan and use a lot of details to tell what you intend to do. What will be your specialization in your field? What article are you reading lately?

:-)


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